Would you ever let the fact that your kids don't want to move keep you from moving?

[Anonymous]

High school might make me pause, but otherwise no. In your case, OP, if they will be going to the same school, then probably not even for high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A child doesn't analyze things that way. You also seem to infer that Santa Barbara, California is preferable to Kokomo, Indiana for some reason. How would you know this, since you never had a chance to compare?

It was preferable for collegiate opportunities, outdoor lifestyle, and proximity to family. You cannot put a dollar value on those things.

It was definitely the right choice for our family. We all sigh with relief that we didn't end up moving (laughed about it last Christmas when we were all together again). I am grateful that my parents included us in those discussions. I value my relationship with my grandparents and my cousins so highly. I would not have that to the same extent if we had moved, and my parents may not have realized how important we felt those relationships were if they hadn't asked.

Don't get me wrong--if it had been a clear cut, "This is absolutely what is best for our family, no questions" situation, my parents would have packed us up and moved us. It wasn't clear cut though. My parents saw benefits to both, and wanted our opinions.

Every family and every move is different. This is what worked for my family.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, the parents have to make the right decision for the family, including balancing job opportunities, finances, long-term pros and cons, etc.

That being said, I also think it's wrong to discount kids' feelings about moving. I moved often my entire life at home with my family (military brat) and we were not only given no choice, it didn't really matter how sad we were about it. We just had to suck it up. We never had close relationships with extended family because we often were outside the US, or across the country. It can affect your ability to form close relationships long-term if you're never given the opportunity to do so outside your family. It can also make you internalize feelings of powerlessness about your life that can last into adulthood, even when objectively you now do have control over your life.

We recently made the difficult decision to move back to this area after seven years in a great university town elsewhere. Although we knew it was going to be hard on the kids, we underestimated how hard it would actually be, and for how long. My daughters cried every day for several months into the school year. We have had to go through a lot of sadness as a family. Although it was the right decision for us to move, as both my husband and I got better jobs, we all made sacrifices -- from our own house with a great yard in a great neighborhood to a rental townhouse, from great small schools to OK but not great large MoCo schools, MoCo traffic, no place to play or ride bikes in the neighborhood. In many ways our kids have had the worst of it on a day to day basis. Again we had to make this decision in the best long-term financial interests of our family, but I would never -- based on my own experience, or that of my kids -- dismiss their feelings and tell them to suck it up.

[Anonymous]

We moved our two teenagers 18 mos ago, and found it was harder for one kid and actually a very positive experience for the other one. In the end I try to just help the one who is struggling more and take the view that the move was for the best. It resulted in better job opportunities and lifestyle for our family.

[Anonymous]

in your situation, absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

As someone that moved a lot as a kid and went to 9 different schools, I will
Never move my children unless absolutely necessary. I was a shy, introverted child and it was awful
To leave relationships I had whenever we moved. I was left without a sense of roots and very tea earful
That my father always put
His career ambitions over his children's needs. I am a well adjusted adult that has a good
Life now, but I don't feel as
If I have a home
Like many of my peers. I want my
Children to have a lifelong home with friends they have known forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving within the same area and school district, that is. Not talking about leaving the area.

Last year my dd (8 yo) was unhappy about us potentially movin. We were staying in the same general area in terms of county, but it would be a new school cluster. She's a pretty shy kid and it did make us worry about whether we were doing the right thing, but when we found the perfect house for us we decided we really had to go for it and we moved. She has adjusted beautifully. I know, we are very lucky and it could've easily turned out totally the opposite which would've made us very regretful. But I think that if you let your kids express why they don't want to move and acknowledge their concerns, that is the best way to deal with it. In the end you have to do what's best for your family. Kids do adjust.

[Anonymous]

How hard is it to move kids in high school? We may have an opportunity to move when my dd is starting sophomore year but worried it would be too hard.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to move, OP? That would help us answer better.

[Anonymous]

If kids are younger than middle school and high school age, I would move them. Once they get older, I'm less likely to move them, unless it was someplace amazing. This is what I've done with my kids.

I grew up as a military kid, and we moved every year or two, all over. I loved living in new places, but it was really rough moving in the high school years.

[Anonymous]

We moved around a lot when I was a kid. I will not do that to my children.
Sure I coped, I had no choice.

I love that our house has the children's height measurements notched in the doorway. I love how regularly the kids want to see if they've grown, or if they're as tall as sibling was at a particular time. It's goofy, but it's a tangible symbol of place that I never had when I was a kid.

I would only move if there were no other option or if the family as a unit agreed it was the right choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone that moved a lot as a kid and went to 9 different schools, I will
Never move my children unless absolutely necessary. I was a shy, introverted child and it was awful
To leave relationships I had whenever we moved. I was left without a sense of roots and very tea earful
That my father always put
His career ambitions over his children's needs. I am a well adjusted adult that has a good
Life now, but I don't feel as
If I have a home
Like many of my peers. I want my
Children to have a lifelong home with friends they have known forever.

The lifelong friends I have all moved away at some point.

Living in the same spot doesn't guarantee lifelong friendships.

[Anonymous]

I agree context kind of matters here - sure it's the grownups' job to make good financial decisions for the household and to make a lot of the quality of life decisions that children may weigh in naive, to say the least, ways. But I can see situations in which their preferences would matter. Many, many of my military colleagues try to make the last posting they take before retirement in an area that has good highschools and public universitiies for their kids and will even do a geo-bachelor positing if they already have everyone settled in a good place. Similarly a move that will dislocate kids and put greater demands on parents - great house but longer commute type trade off might be something you'd want to take their preferences into account.

[Anonymous]

I'm with most of the others. I would very much try not to move a high-schooler, but for 5 and 7? No way do they get a say.

[Anonymous]

The internet makes it a little easier.

With skype, texting and online gaming, my tween and even my second gradee are able to maintain active relationships with their cousins and friends in a way that would not have been possible even a decade ago.

That said, it was very easy to move our younger and elementary aged kids. Young children make friends easily, and childhood friendships are not often the lifelong friendships.

Now that we have a middle schooler, it is more difficult to deal with moving. However, since we have moved every year-two, that child has very strong friendship skills.

With a high schooler, I would definitely allow the child input.