Agreement regarding college expenses?

[Anonymous]

The ones I know with agreement on college are all paying into a 529 while the kids are minors. No obligations on LCD the kids turn 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally schools don't just take kids' word for it that they are independent. (Lower cost or state schools may; expensive private schools don't.) Otherwise everyone would claim to be independent to get more financial aid from the school. Students often have to show legal proof that a parent is not contributing, letters from clergy or others, or something.

It was a huge hassle for me at the time - my dad made much more than my mom. He claimed he would help, but I knew that would never, ever happen and he would never have signed something saying he wouldn't be contributing. My financial aid package for nicer private schools always included a parental contribution that was utterly unrealistic.

(I went to a state school on a full ride, so no harm done.)

Question, do you resent your Father for not contributing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Generally schools don't just take kids' word for it that they are independent. (Lower cost or state schools may; expensive private schools don't.) Otherwise everyone would claim to be independent to get more financial aid from the school. Students often have to show legal proof that a parent is not contributing, letters from clergy or others, or something.

It was a huge hassle for me at the time - my dad made much more than my mom. He claimed he would help, but I knew that would never, ever happen and he would never have signed something saying he wouldn't be contributing. My financial aid package for nicer private schools always included a parental contribution that was utterly unrealistic.

(I went to a state school on a full ride, so no harm done.)

Question, do you resent your Father for not contributing?

I have managed to control my resentment, but maybe because I didn't end up with any undergraduate debt because of my scholarships. I was proud of working my way through, studying abroad multiple times, being summa cum laude, etc. And I don't come from more typical DCUM stock - I wasn't always surrounded by people with relatively high incomes like a lot of metro DC kids are.

I am resentful a bit now that I learned that my dad and his wife paid tuition and rent for my older stepsister (40-ish) when she decided to go back to school after dropping out in her early 20s. My dad said it was because she has kids she couldn't really support (post-divorce) without better job prospects. Cry me a river!

Funnily enough, I used to look down on people whose parents paid for everything (college, grad school, weddings, downpayments). I have more friends now that come from that kind of background, and in general I would say they ended up pretty grounded, normal, hardworking, etc. It didn't ruin them, and they don't have the stress I have of paying several hundred dollars a month for grad school loans or extra mortgage because I had to put down $0 on my little fixer-upper.

[Anonymous]

Seems weird to me that people assume their ex (of either gender I suppose) would change their approach to wanting to pay for college due to the divorce. The divorce certainly diminishes the household resources so maybe there's just less money available to contribute but that could happen if they stayed married and one parent lost their job. Or is it the remarriage thing and one choosing to devote their financial resources to the new family to the exclusion of the old? Just doesn't make sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems weird to me that people assume their ex (of either gender I suppose) would change their approach to wanting to pay for college due to the divorce. The divorce certainly diminishes the household resources so maybe there's just less money available to contribute but that could happen if they stayed married and one parent lost their job. Or is it the remarriage thing and one choosing to devote their financial resources to the new family to the exclusion of the old? Just doesn't make sense to me.

I'm not sure where you got that this is a change.

OP here, my ex has always said he would pay for college, but now that he has a legal document he doesn't want to. Which tells me, he doesn't want to pay for college but keeps up the charade to look like a good Father to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Generally schools don't just take kids' word for it that they are independent. (Lower cost or state schools may; expensive private schools don't.) Otherwise everyone would claim to be independent to get more financial aid from the school. Students often have to show legal proof that a parent is not contributing, letters from clergy or others, or something.

It was a huge hassle for me at the time - my dad made much more than my mom. He claimed he would help, but I knew that would never, ever happen and he would never have signed something saying he wouldn't be contributing. My financial aid package for nicer private schools always included a parental contribution that was utterly unrealistic.

(I went to a state school on a full ride, so no harm done.)

Question, do you resent your Father for not contributing?

I have managed to control my resentment, but maybe because I didn't end up with any undergraduate debt because of my scholarships. I was proud of working my way through, studying abroad multiple times, being summa cum laude, etc. And I don't come from more typical DCUM stock - I wasn't always surrounded by people with relatively high incomes like a lot of metro DC kids are.

I am resentful a bit now that I learned that my dad and his wife paid tuition and rent for my older stepsister (40-ish) when she decided to go back to school after dropping out in her early 20s. My dad said it was because she has kids she couldn't really support (post-divorce) without better job prospects. Cry me a river!

Funnily enough, I used to look down on people whose parents paid for everything (college, grad school, weddings, downpayments). I have more friends now that come from that kind of background, and in general I would say they ended up pretty grounded, normal, hardworking, etc. It didn't ruin them, and they don't have the stress I have of paying several hundred dollars a month for grad school loans or extra mortgage because I had to put down $0 on my little fixer-upper.

I'm sorry to hear that PP. I'm trying to do my best for my child, but I know there will probably be resentment like yours no matter what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex is paying for the equivalent of in-state tuition for our two children for a total of four years each, provided they keep above a "C" average. In exchange, I let go of all my rights to his pension and retirement accounts. Plenty of people said that I was crazy, but I knew what I wanted for my kids.

Thanks PP. My ex doesn't want anything in writing. I'm also giving up a lot for it, but I know this is mandatory. Was he unwilling to pay more than state tuition (eg private school).

Don't give up any of what's owed to you unless your ex puts it in writing that he'll pay $X for college. Otherwise, you know what happens when he changes his mind, has a new family/spouse, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems weird to me that people assume their ex (of either gender I suppose) would change their approach to wanting to pay for college due to the divorce. The divorce certainly diminishes the household resources so maybe there's just less money available to contribute but that could happen if they stayed married and one parent lost their job. Or is it the remarriage thing and one choosing to devote their financial resources to the new family to the exclusion of the old? Just doesn't make sense to me.

I'm not sure where you got that this is a change.

OP here, my ex has always said he would pay for college, but now that he has a legal document he doesn't want to. Which tells me, he doesn't want to pay for college but keeps up the charade to look like a good Father to other people.

I meant the comment more generally as I was having a hard time keeping track of the different posters. But, since you mention it, your situation seems odd to me. I mean, you're married for X number of years during which presumably you discussed whether the two of you would pay for college so I assume if you had stayed married household resources would be used to pay for college. I just don't understand why the divorce would change that one way or the other except to some degree to reflect a reduction in resources. It's really an open-ended question as to why someone would decide after the divorce that they don't want to pay for college and also why someone would, assuming the original plan in the marriage that the kids would be on their own for college, decide to change things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems weird to me that people assume their ex (of either gender I suppose) would change their approach to wanting to pay for college due to the divorce. The divorce certainly diminishes the household resources so maybe there's just less money available to contribute but that could happen if they stayed married and one parent lost their job. Or is it the remarriage thing and one choosing to devote their financial resources to the new family to the exclusion of the old? Just doesn't make sense to me.

I'm not sure where you got that this is a change.

OP here, my ex has always said he would pay for college, but now that he has a legal document he doesn't want to. Which tells me, he doesn't want to pay for college but keeps up the charade to look like a good Father to other people.

I meant the comment more generally as I was having a hard time keeping track of the different posters. But, since you mention it, your situation seems odd to me. I mean, you're married for X number of years during which presumably you discussed whether the two of you would pay for college so I assume if you had stayed married household resources would be used to pay for college. I just don't understand why the divorce would change that one way or the other except to some degree to reflect a reduction in resources. It's really an open-ended question as to why someone would decide after the divorce that they don't want to pay for college and also why someone would, assuming the original plan in the marriage that the kids would be on their own for college, decide to change things.

For me, the OP, the exact thing you are pointing out is why in getting divorced. Imagine, on a life-scale, living with someone who constantly lies and promises, then turns around and breaks those promises. A walking contradiction. So I'm not surprised he's trying to convince me that he will help for college, let's just not put it in writing. I'm wise to his ways at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your ex's behavior has been as consistent as you describe then it sounds like you know what's likely to happen when college rolls around. Regardless of the DCUM consensus on whether or not it's a parent's obligation to pay for college, your ex refusing to put a plan in writing but "promising he'll help" is a bad sign. Either pursue this with him and don't back down or make a solid plan B for paying for your kid's education. Remember the old adage: when people show you who they are, believe them.

[Anonymous]

In DC child support runs through age 21. So 18 is not necessarily a legal terminus. As far as agreements go, as many of us know, they are hard to enforce. This essentially comes down to good will and finances. Remarriage can complicate this to the nth degree.

[Anonymous]

15:21 To posters who do not understand how divorce changes a parent's commitment to cover college, it's one of many, many things divorce can change. This is truly an area that depends on the will of the parent. And yes, the willingness to cover can change over time, due to a number of things. Financial woes, remarriage, a sense of being screwed by the original financial settlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:21 To posters who do not understand how divorce changes a parent's commitment to cover college, it's one of many, many things divorce can change. This is truly an area that depends on the will of the parent. And yes, the willingness to cover can change over time, due to a number of things. Financial woes, remarriage, a sense of being screwed by the original financial settlement.

Is this how you feel PP?

[Anonymous]

Not in the least. Fortunately my child's father is doing what he agreed to do as far as college expenses go. I've seen college expenses become a sore point with others. I'm trying to explain it to PP's who do not seem, based on their comments, to get the financial implications of divorce, and how they can shift over time due to circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing, at 18, the kids are adults. It should depend on the child's relationship with the parent (s) and their willingness to pay. Married parents are not required to pay, so divorced should not be either.

So if you don't like your kids the don't get to go to college?

That is how the system is set up.
No kid has the money to pay for it themselves and no law can force a parent to provide beyond the 18 years