Agreement regarding college expenses?

[Anonymous]

Married parents do not raise their children under court order. The legal system could enforce college savings requirements up to age 18. It chooses not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:21 To posters who do not understand how divorce changes a parent's commitment to cover college, it's one of many, many things divorce can change. This is truly an area that depends on the will of the parent. And yes, the willingness to cover can change over time, due to a number of things. Financial woes, remarriage, a sense of being screwed by the original financial settlement.

15:21 here. I get finances shifting with divorce, each side now has to pay all household expenses (rent, utilities, etc.) instead of splitting them so the resources of the family unit are diminished and I think I referenced that in my original post. And yes, I also understand about things changing over time (job loss, etc.) but I don't group either of those within the category of things changing exclusively because of the divorce. I mean, even if both were married a job loss would still affect their ability to pay for college so maybe in that situation one parent is unfairly attributing the willingness of the other to pay for college to the divorce rather than underlying circumstances.

Your last point is interesting and it's one I'd never considered but I see what you're saying. That's one reason why I think everyone should have some form of a pre nupt / marital agreement so that they know the expectations of the other party with regard to alimony and property distribution.

I can also see, in the case of a higher earner, there might be an unwillingness to pay if one feels the custodial parent was wasteful or used child support money on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College is between the child and the parent. A parent is not obligated to pay for college.

+1

[Anonymous]

11:05 A job loss with a one-earner household, which is what you have if a divorced person does not remarry/repartner, is not the same as job loss in a two-income household. How can this not be clear? Are you divorced? Me senses not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:05 A job loss with a one-earner household, which is what you have if a divorced person does not remarry/repartner, is not the same as job loss in a two-income household. How can this not be clear? Are you divorced? Me senses not.

11:05 here. When I think of decisions made solely related to the divorce I think more of things like not being happy with how the financial settlement worked out or I guess bitter about the split or something. I think of losing one's job as an economic change (magnified obviously by the fact that there's now only one earner) so it becomes an issue of "cannot" rather than "will not" pay for college.

Completely understand what you're saying, I probably just didn't express myself clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing, at 18, the kids are adults. It should depend on the child's relationship with the parent (s) and their willingness to pay. Married parents are not required to pay, so divorced should not be either.

So if you don't like your kids the don't get to go to college?

That is how the system is set up.
No kid has the money to pay for it themselves and no law can force a parent to provide beyond the 18 years

Everyone's situation is different. My husband and I were wiling to help pay but on certain conditions - a relationship with him (I didn't care about me) - one visit per year we pay for and weekly phone calls, full disclosure of grades and finances and living situation. They said no, just send money. He said no relationship, no money. Sounded reasonable to me. They only call for money or gifts now. When we do send them, never a thank you (we are done as of this year). When my married parents paid for my college they made it clear good grades, they get copies of grades, they have full financial control (they did pay for everything so it was fine with me), visit them holidays/summers and be reasonable about spending. Oh, and pick a major that would lead to a career (i.e. no art). I agreed, followed the "rules and they paid (though some holidays I visited my grandparents instead).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing, at 18, the kids are adults. It should depend on the child's relationship with the parent (s) and their willingness to pay. Married parents are not required to pay, so divorced should not be either.

So if you don't like your kids the don't get to go to college?

That is how the system is set up.
No kid has the money to pay for it themselves and no law can force a parent to provide beyond the 18 years

Everyone's situation is different. My husband and I were wiling to help pay but on certain conditions - a relationship with him (I didn't care about me) - one visit per year we pay for and weekly phone calls, full disclosure of grades and finances and living situation. They said no, just send money. He said no relationship, no money. Sounded reasonable to me. They only call for money or gifts now. When we do send them, never a thank you (we are done as of this year). When my married parents paid for my college they made it clear good grades, they get copies of grades, they have full financial control (they did pay for everything so it was fine with me), visit them holidays/summers and be reasonable about spending. Oh, and pick a major that would lead to a career (i.e. no art). I agreed, followed the "rules and they paid (though some holidays I visited my grandparents instead).

That's weird your kids would only visit once per year. Almost everyone I knew at college would go home for winter break and most people went home for Thanksgiving unless they lived across the country. I fully support payment being conditioned on performance. My parents had minimum grade expectations as well.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced at the end of my junior year in high school. The plan was that they were going to pay for me to go to college. My father was an attorney and my mom was a SAHM. College payment was not part of their divorce agreement. My father remarried immediately and during the first semester of my freshman year of college, my step-mother convinced him that he should not pay for me to go to college. Her reasons ranged from kids should put themselves through college to I wasn't respectful enough of her. Bottom line is that remarriage can change everything, including a parent's willingness to pay for college. My father had spent years lecturing me on the importance of going to college and with his new wife he was like a different person - suddenly I was on my own. I could not get financial aid because of my father's high income.

[Anonymous]

Pp, he paid for your freshman year. Did ypu thank him fo that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing, at 18, the kids are adults. It should depend on the child's relationship with the parent (s) and their willingness to pay. Married parents are not required to pay, so divorced should not be either.

So if you don't like your kids the don't get to go to college?

That is how the system is set up.
No kid has the money to pay for it themselves and no law can force a parent to provide beyond the 18 years

Everyone's situation is different. My husband and I were wiling to help pay but on certain conditions - a relationship with him (I didn't care about me) - one visit per year we pay for and weekly phone calls, full disclosure of grades and finances and living situation. They said no, just send money. He said no relationship, no money. Sounded reasonable to me. They only call for money or gifts now. When we do send them, never a thank you (we are done as of this year). When my married parents paid for my college they made it clear good grades, they get copies of grades, they have full financial control (they did pay for everything so it was fine with me), visit them holidays/summers and be reasonable about spending. Oh, and pick a major that would lead to a career (i.e. no art). I agreed, followed the "rules and they paid (though some holidays I visited my grandparents instead).

That's weird your kids would only visit once per year. Almost everyone I knew at college would go home for winter break and most people went home for Thanksgiving unless they lived across the country. I fully support payment being conditioned on performance. My parents had minimum grade expectations as well.

They live cross country and have all kinds of excuses why they cannot visit. The youngest expects us to pay for his live-in girlfriend. We did once but refused this time as she will not talk to us and treats us poorly. If they were my kids, yes they come home holidays and summers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp, he paid for your freshman year. Did ypu thank him fo that?

He initially paid for the first semester of my freshman year, but then sold my car (which I had paid for and left at home) to cover the expense of the first semester of my freshman year. I don't know whether it covered the full amount - it was in the 80s so one semester of college was much less expensive back then. Of course, the issue here is NOT whether children are appreciative of parents who pay for them to go to college. The issue is that some parents do intend to pay for their children to go to college and then change their minds after getting divorced. I am going to pay for my kids to go to college not because I want them to thank me, but because I feel it's my responsibility as a parent to help them get this positive start in adult life. It is something I want to do and I can afford to do. If a parent doesn't feel it's their responsibility to pay for college, it is certainly their right to have that opinion -- but again, the issue here is that divorce can change a parent's opinion about whether or not to pay for college.

[Anonymous]

23:07 Mean, mean. PP got screwed by remarriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:21 To posters who do not understand how divorce changes a parent's commitment to cover college, it's one of many, many things divorce can change. This is truly an area that depends on the will of the parent. And yes, the willingness to cover can change over time, due to a number of things. Financial woes, remarriage, a sense of being screwed by the original financial settlement.

This happened to my DH when he went to college. His parents filed right as he began his freshman year and his dad suddenly refused to contribute anything to his undergrad or grad degree. Meanwhile, his parents paid 100% of his older sister's (she's 2yrs older) tuition and living expenses for both undergrad and grad. She finished with no debt, DH has a lot and it has caused huge resentment issues, esp since she's always telling him he "should have made better life choices". His father is remarried and has a 2nd, much younger family (his kids are younger than our kid) and DH has almost no relationship with him. DH asked him once why he helped older sister with college and not DH, his father said that DH's mother took his pension and received support, so she should be the one to help DH out, not him. DH still had 2 siblings at home and his mom couldn't afford to help much.

In my divorce, college expenses are not discussed. But then, XH doesn't even pay child support like he's supposed to, so I knew upfront that he wasn't going to agree or be able to help with DS's school costs. You can't get blood out of a stone and it wasn't worth the fight to me to bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Well, if you loose your pension, you cannot pay for college as well. College you can borrow, retirement not. Many intend to pay for at least some college, but in an ugly divorce, the lawers take the money

[Anonymous]

So disgusting. I can understand an ex-husband not wanting to pay anything to his wife, but a father not wanting to pay for his kids college? This is disgusting!

I hope when he is older and sick his kids come and spit on him.