Grandparents consulting parents on gifts for grandkids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, my MIL has never bought my kids a gift. You are lucky! So they bought your kid his first bike. I think it is great and sweet of them. Count your blessings!

My mother sends gifts from the dollar store. Get a grip and count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Different families have different attitudes and traditions about gift giving. Growing up, my grandparents always checked in with my mom. Logistically, it made sense. The year I was asking for ice skates, my mom talked it over with my grandparents -- "Anna's really been wanting a pair of skates, but she's also asking for a doll. Would you like to give her either of those?" My grandparents wanted ideas and they wanted to buy me something that I liked and wanted. My husband's grandparents just bought him whatever they thought their grandkids should have. There was no discussion.

There isn't a right or wrong way to this. Both families approach it differently, even now. My mom checks in with me about what the kids need or want, then she does her shopping. My husband's parents just buy whatever they (the grandparents) want to give them. I'll admit, I like my mom's way better. Our finances are pretty tight, and with my mom checking in, we'll be sure to get things the kids could really use.

Just use this as a learning experience. Down the road, if there's something special you want to buy your kid, make it known to the grandparents far in advance. But I agree with the other posters who say that you're lucky that your kids are getting presents from the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am so grateful they love DS so much, and we always thank them. But what if we wanted to buy the bike this Christmas? It is a big deal to me that they'd give my son a bike on Christmas Eve without checking in with me first (we see them on Xmas Eve and exchange gifts), and then I don't have the big Santa gift to give him on Christmas morning and I miss seeing his excited "look what Santa left under the tree for me" response.

I'm also concerned about the precedence. Will they give him an iPad without talking with us? MIL mentioned she "almost" bought a leap pad instead of the bike, so it's not unimaginable that she'd gift him a phone or something without discussing it. I'm wondering how I can gently nip this in the bud without offending. A gentle discussion will solve the problem, but in DH's family gentle discussions do cause offense. They will be hurt and angry. I'm waffling between just dealing with this for years and trusting to my parenting skills to take a phone or whatever away, versus hurting their feelings over a gift which, I agree, is a GIFT not a wish list demand.

[Anonymous]

I was bothered at first because i thought the purchase of a bike was too extravagant. but then I look at my bank account and go, that's totally fine with me if grandma (MIL) gets you a bike, or whatever else she wants.

For my mom, if i tell her not to get it, she's ok with it. haha. That doesn't bother me either.

So, take it easy. Don't be bother by what grandparents like to spend on their grandkids. Alot of time, they just like to buy things for kids. It's a good thing.

[Anonymous]

I am a control freak, hate surprises, and generally politely guide my parents as to which gift would be a good idea. They play along, and everyone is happy. MIL goes even further and sends money so that I can select a gift on her behalf, bless her.

So yes, OP, I would be completely frustrated that your family is doing this.

I would start by having a list of important gifts that YOU want to either select or give, well in advance of the occasion. Then tell the grandparents in advance either that you plan on buying it so they should select something else, or that if THEY want to buy it, it should be such and such model (with link and where to buy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents don't ask. In fact, I don't think they generally even tell us? We find out at Christmas or if they happen to mention it, or if they've already asked what they want.

They have 3 kids and 9 grandchildren. None of us have ever bitched about presents from either set of grandparents, unless it was the quantity and where we will find room for it all. My sister's MIL is notorious for the sheer amount of fancy clothes she buys my niece.

Be happy your parents do this -- some grandparents don't care that much.

We NEVER received any gifts from our grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am so grateful they love DS so much, and we always thank them. But what if we wanted to buy the bike this Christmas? It is a big deal to me that they'd give my son a bike on Christmas Eve without checking in with me first (we see them on Xmas Eve and exchange gifts), and then I don't have the big Santa gift to give him on Christmas morning and I miss seeing his excited "look what Santa left under the tree for me" response.

I'm also concerned about the precedence. Will they give him an iPad without talking with us? MIL mentioned she "almost" bought a leap pad instead of the bike, so it's not unimaginable that she'd gift him a phone or something without discussing it. I'm wondering how I can gently nip this in the bud without offending. A gentle discussion will solve the problem, but in DH's family gentle discussions do cause offense. They will be hurt and angry. I'm waffling between just dealing with this for years and trusting to my parenting skills to take a phone or whatever away, versus hurting their feelings over a gift which, I agree, is a GIFT not a wish list demand.

I totally understand where you're coming from. When I was *pregnant,* my ILs bought a bike for DS. We live in separate states, and he uses it when he visits, so I feel OK about it now (it's his bike for *their* house, we still bought him a bike....when he turned 4), but at the time, I felt like they were "beating" me to giving him this. Even though I understood they were just excited and how lucky I was to have such caring grandparents, it still felt weird to me. I guess it's because them doing things like this isn't just being generous and giving, I see it as being kind of selfish -- it's about them, they didn't consider how that might feel to us.

They started asking a little about Christmas now bc 2 years ago, we both bought DS something very similar.

It's hard bc I know they loved being parents, just as I do, and they are trying to relive the beauty of it with their grandkids, which I totally understand and will probably stuggle with myself someday. I try to put myself in their place as much as I can, but I also feel like you get one chance to be the parent, and then you get a chance to be a grandparent. And being a grandparent is different -- you need to consult with the parents to find out what they expect, you don't get to run roughshod without checking in with the parents.

[Anonymous]

Generally, my parents (who are in their 70s) and in-laws (in their 60s) ask for suggestions for our kids' gifts. They don't shop online and they are pretty much lost when it comes to technology and video games and the like, so we don't even go there. I try to give as many helpful hints as possible, like "DS loves to draw and there's a great sale at Michael's this week..." Sometimes they follow our suggestions, sometimes they get something totally different. Usually they are on the mark, but there have been times that they've gotten totally inappropriate gifts. For example, when my daughter was two and a half years old, my dad got her a pair of those Infantino foot rattles that are meant for newborns and very young babies. When my son was 8, and well into reading chapter books, they got him a set of Cars board books that are meant for two or three year olds. We graciously thanked him for the gifts and donated these to Toys for Tots and Goodwill. My mom just gives us money and asks us to pick something for the kids that they would like - we wrap it up and say that it's from Grandma. I don't worry about it at all. "You get what you get and you don't get upset!"

[Anonymous]

You may all laugh at me, but I felt the same way when my mom bought my son his first pair of underwear. Son was 2.5 and I mentioned to my mom (on the phone - she lives in a different state) that he was starting to use the potty. A few days later, a package arrived for my son with new Thomas the Tank Engine underpants. He was still wearing pull-ups at the time as potty training was a slow moving process for him. My husband and I had been talking up "going to Target and picking out your very own underpants, when you stay dry all day long". But then they arrived in the mail. I felt like that was overstepping boundaries. I know in my heart that my mom was just excited about her grandson growing up, and wanted to play a part, but it just hit me as forcing herself in the parent role. I hid the underwear (he was 2.5 - he didn't remember) and called my mom and told her that we already had a plan for his first underwear, but thank you, and we'll give it to him when we're ready.

So I understand where you are coming from with the bike, OP. Just thank your parents for the bike, since it's already purchased, and ask them to give you a heads up, please, for next major purchases.

[Anonymous]

They should check in with you if they are going to buy a big item. My parents and in laws do check with me on things to buy, but they also just send stuff out of the blue. I'm not stressing it because financially it's helping me out. Not to mention, someday those gifts may and will end or severely decrease especially as they get older and you'll miss it.

But honestly this is not something worth ruining your relationship with your in laws over in my opinion. If anyone should say something it should be your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am so grateful they love DS so much, and we always thank them. But what if we wanted to buy the bike this Christmas? It is a big deal to me that they'd give my son a bike on Christmas Eve without checking in with me first (we see them on Xmas Eve and exchange gifts), and then I don't have the big Santa gift to give him on Christmas morning and I miss seeing his excited "look what Santa left under the tree for me" response.

I'm also concerned about the precedence. Will they give him an iPad without talking with us? MIL mentioned she "almost" bought a leap pad instead of the bike, so it's not unimaginable that she'd gift him a phone or something without discussing it. I'm wondering how I can gently nip this in the bud without offending. A gentle discussion will solve the problem, but in DH's family gentle discussions do cause offense. They will be hurt and angry. I'm waffling between just dealing with this for years and trusting to my parenting skills to take a phone or whatever away, versus hurting their feelings over a gift which, I agree, is a GIFT not a wish list demand.

But you didn't want to buy the bike this Christmas. You wanted to buy it for his spring birthday. So they're not taking anything away from you. Personally, I'd be thrilled to not have to shell out for a bike. However, I understand your point. Why don't you talk to them and ask what they have in mind for him next time, instead of expecting them to read your mind on what they should/shouldn't get him? Be proactive. Again, work with them and not against them if what they do or don't give him that *that* important to you.

[Anonymous]

Unless it was something we were totally opposed to like play guns or porn -- I'd think -- yippie -- I don't have to spend my money on a bike..and get something else.
Now if I had really set my heart on making a big to do about the bike -- I can see saying 'hey -- i know we didn't tell you but we wanted to buy his bike -- make it a special thing we picked out together, can you take it bike and get something else...maybe the helmet and other acesssories -- he really likes star wars -- he would be super excited if you found those things to go along with the bike'
otherwise -- take it down a notch..they are giving him a bike not cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You come across as kind of bitchy and overreacting here. Yes, it would be nice to let you know that they wanted to buy your son a bike for Christmas, but I don't think it's "rude" or a deliberate slight that they choose a gift they want to give rather than buy something off the list you send them. It sounds like your kid is the right age for a bike and they chose it because they thought he would really like it. A wish list is not an order form--I give my mom some ideas for the kids, but she often comes up with gifts not on the list that she'd like to give, and they are often great ideas and things I might not have thought of.

Couldn't disagree with this more. When you're giving a big and/or expensive gift to a child, you check with the parents first. Period. Parents could have a million reasons for holding off, and it is their decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may all laugh at me, but I felt the same way when my mom bought my son his first pair of underwear. Son was 2.5 and I mentioned to my mom (on the phone - she lives in a different state) that he was starting to use the potty. A few days later, a package arrived for my son with new Thomas the Tank Engine underpants. He was still wearing pull-ups at the time as potty training was a slow moving process for him. My husband and I had been talking up "going to Target and picking out your very own underpants, when you stay dry all day long". But then they arrived in the mail. I felt like that was overstepping boundaries. I know in my heart that my mom was just excited about her grandson growing up, and wanted to play a part, but it just hit me as forcing herself in the parent role. I hid the underwear (he was 2.5 - he didn't remember) and called my mom and told her that we already had a plan for his first underwear, but thank you, and we'll give it to him when we're ready.

So I understand where you are coming from with the bike, OP. Just thank your parents for the bike, since it's already purchased, and ask them to give you a heads up, please, for next major purchases.

I have now read it all -- buying underwear is overstepping bounds? Lot of touchy folks on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, my MIL has never bought my kids a gift. You are lucky! So they bought your kid his first bike. I think it is great and sweet of them. Count your blessings!

My mother sends gifts from the dollar store. Get a grip and count your blessings.