Grandparents consulting parents on gifts for grandkids?

[Anonymous]

Do your parents and inlaws consult with you regarding what to buy for your kids? How did you make that happen? I just found out my inlaws have already bought DS a bike, which we had planned to give him for his spring birthday. They enjoy shopping for him and want to get something that excites him. I can understand that it's less fun for them to be given a wish list from us, but I also think it's rude that they would buy a large gift for him, especially something as classic as his first bike, without consulting us!

We could say something, but it will offend them. I've tried emailing them simple ideas or his wish list, but they ignore it except for a small token $10 item. It's a deliberate response on their part.

I find myself really frustrated by this. I'm glad my parents are courteous and don't buy anything without asking me.

[Anonymous]

A bike is a right of passage gift. They got to go through that with their own kids. Say something now. Offer suggestions of something you know he will be excited about. Provide specifics - "we are getting Billy a bike for his next birthday, but he has been begging for x". If they sulk or get angry, remind them that you want to create memories with him that you or your spouse/partner have of them. Be firm but kind.

[Anonymous]

You come across as kind of bitchy and overreacting here. Yes, it would be nice to let you know that they wanted to buy your son a bike for Christmas, but I don't think it's "rude" or a deliberate slight that they choose a gift they want to give rather than buy something off the list you send them. It sounds like your kid is the right age for a bike and they chose it because they thought he would really like it. A wish list is not an order form--I give my mom some ideas for the kids, but she often comes up with gifts not on the list that she'd like to give, and they are often great ideas and things I might not have thought of.

[Anonymous]

13:45 again. Yes, I had to overtly tell my parents these things. If you keep the anger out of your voice, I'll bet it will go okay.

[Anonymous]

My parents don't ask. In fact, I don't think they generally even tell us? We find out at Christmas or if they happen to mention it, or if they've already asked what they want.

They have 3 kids and 9 grandchildren. None of us have ever bitched about presents from either set of grandparents, unless it was the quantity and where we will find room for it all. My sister's MIL is notorious for the sheer amount of fancy clothes she buys my niece.

Be happy your parents do this -- some grandparents don't care that much.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. I can understand your fustration. My parents always ask for suggestions and are around enough to have an idea of what we'd like. With my MIL on the other hand, it's been a bit difficult. She really likes buying DS clothes but doesn't check with us what size he's wearing first. So the stuff she sends is typically too small for him or seasonally inappropriate. And they're from random mom & pop stores not in this area so we can't exchange them. DH has tried telling her nicely several times, but she doesn't get the hint.

[Anonymous]

OP, the only way I knew this was you writing this and not me is that I have a daughter, not a son. Right there with you, and it makes me insane. The ironic thing is that I would probably say yes to most things if asked, but every time we've mentioned this to them, we've been accused of being ungrateful or trying to kill the element of surprise. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your parents and inlaws consult with you regarding what to buy for your kids? How did you make that happen? I just found out my inlaws have already bought DS a bike, which we had planned to give him for his spring birthday. They enjoy shopping for him and want to get something that excites him. I can understand that it's less fun for them to be given a wish list from us, but I also think it's rude that they would buy a large gift for him, especially something as classic as his first bike, without consulting us!

We could say something, but it will offend them. I've tried emailing them simple ideas or his wish list, but they ignore it except for a small token $10 item. It's a deliberate response on their part.

I find myself really frustrated by this. I'm glad my parents are courteous and don't buy anything without asking me.

This makes you sound like a controlling pain in the ass. My parents will often see something in a store and buy it for one of their grandchildren. They don't call to "okay" it beforehand. Loosen up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You come across as kind of bitchy and overreacting here. Yes, it would be nice to let you know that they wanted to buy your son a bike for Christmas, but I don't think it's "rude" or a deliberate slight that they choose a gift they want to give rather than buy something off the list you send them. It sounds like your kid is the right age for a bike and they chose it because they thought he would really like it. A wish list is not an order form--I give my mom some ideas for the kids, but she often comes up with gifts not on the list that she'd like to give, and they are often great ideas and things I might not have thought of.

13:48 here. depending on the ILs, it can absolutely be deliberate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A bike is a right of passage gift. They got to go through that with their own kids. Say something now. Offer suggestions of something you know he will be excited about. Provide specifics - "we are getting Billy a bike for his next birthday, but he has been begging for x". If they sulk or get angry, remind them that you want to create memories with him that you or your spouse/partner have of them. Be firm but kind.

How do you not get to create a memory with your kid if the grandparents buy the bike? Presumably, you're there when they receive it, and you're there when he rides it for the first time, right? My grandparents bought my first bike, and I don't recall my parents being jealous of that. My dad was still the one who taught me to ride it.

If there is something that you feel very strongly about buying your child yourself, you should say something, because not everyone is going to have the same idea of what constitutes a "right of passage" gift.

If you do say something, don't go in angry and offended. Start with the assumption that they love their grandkids and that they acted in order to provide their grandkids with something they would enjoy. Assuming goodwill is going to get you a lot further than, "How dare you buy Billy a bike? I wanted to buy him a bike!"

[Anonymous]

Wow, my MIL has never bought my kids a gift. You are lucky! So they bought your kid his first bike. I think it is great and sweet of them. Count your blessings!

[Anonymous]

I agree with those saying to loosen up. What is it about buying the bike that you find so important? You will end up teaching him how to ride it, and it is one more big ticket item that you don't have to pay for. Buy the helmet and pads or accessories for the bike if you want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bike is a right of passage gift. They got to go through that with their own kids. Say something now. Offer suggestions of something you know he will be excited about. Provide specifics - "we are getting Billy a bike for his next birthday, but he has been begging for x". If they sulk or get angry, remind them that you want to create memories with him that you or your spouse/partner have of them. Be firm but kind.

How do you not get to create a memory with your kid if the grandparents buy the bike? Presumably, you're there when they receive it, and you're there when he rides it for the first time, right? My grandparents bought my first bike, and I don't recall my parents being jealous of that. My dad was still the one who taught me to ride it.

If there is something that you feel very strongly about buying your child yourself, you should say something, because not everyone is going to have the same idea of what constitutes a "right of passage" gift.

If you do say something, don't go in angry and offended. Start with the assumption that they love their grandkids and that they acted in order to provide their grandkids with something they would enjoy. Assuming goodwill is going to get you a lot further than, "How dare you buy Billy a bike? I wanted to buy him a bike!"

I agree. You say that you can tell they love shopping for him and want to get him something that excites him. You have the same common goal - to provide your son with attention and love. Work with them, not against them. You are really lucky.

[Anonymous]

My parents are always glad to get suggestions; my inlaws don't want suggestions. they occasionally "run something by" us but their feelings are hurt if we respond that we don't have room for the toy. (we have a rowhouse; we don't have anywhere to put a fullsized piano that she won't be able to play for several years, or even a giant play kitchen). after a couple of years of getting their feelings hurt, they stopped asking. sigh. so, I haven't figured this one out either. I love that they want to get nice things for my daughter! And I always give effusive thanks. but jeez, that play kitchen might not come out of the boxes until they're coming to visit. after they leave, it's going to good will.

[Anonymous]

Is there that much emphasis on who buys what? Is your child really going to know (or care) that your in-laws bought it versus you?

My kids thank everyone for presents, whether it was a $5 toy or $200 electronic and aren't going to like or favor one person or another over their gifts.