Grandparents consulting parents on gifts for grandkids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs do tend to run things past us for the big gifts but they don't always let us know before they actually buy it. I don't really care so much who gives the gifts but if it's something big or expensive, I just want to make sure that no one else is already getting it. I do have a "rule" that they need to run anything by me that is a big toy. We have limited space in my house so I want to either clear a space for anything requires a lot of room or plan to get rid of something else to accommodate. I think that is common courtesy though.

Yeah, my mom will ask before she buys anything that's large in size, because she knows that we don't have a ton of extra space, which I appreciate. She'll ask for ideas, but it's understood that wish lists are not binding. I suppose I would care about it if they were considering something really expensive or potentially something I might want to hold off on, like their own iPad or something, but I kind of feel like they would ask anyways before buying something like that. Otherwise, I don't care, and if they want to buy big-ticket gifts, more power to them. I'd rather they buy the bike than me. If they were buying too much stuff, we'd have a chat, but so far it hasn't been a problem (knock on wood).

[Anonymous]

I'm with all the people who said they'd be happy that they didn't have to make such a big purchase themselves. Of course, my mother and I usually discuss any big gifts we are getting so we don't both get the same things. If your parents/inlaws don't do that I don't think it would hurt to mention a few months before Christmas that you were planning to buy x for DC so you wanted to let them know before they made any big purchases and ended up with duplicates.

Aside from that, I don't really care who buys what. As a PP said, it's not taking away from the experience. You are still there when DS opens the present and when he rides the bike for the first time etc. My children thank everyone for every gift they get and I don't think they really even think that hard about who got what, just that they got some cool gifts that they like a lot.

What does bother me though is what my MIL does which is to ask me for suggestions and then not actually get any of them. All she has ever given the children are books and clothes. She never gets the right size clothing and we have so many books already that we always end up with duplicates. If she didn't ask me what they would like I really wouldn't care, I honestly do believe it's the thought that counts, but it just annoys me that she will say "I don't know what they would like so that's why I always get books and clothes but I'd like to get them something else they'd enjoy." And then when I give her suggestions she never gets them and just goes back to books and clothes. Why ask if you aren't going to follow through?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]Big, significant presents like a bike are the parents' prerogative, no question. Grandparents should ask first and then be ok with it if the parents say no. Certain things are things we parents look forward to, just like the grandparents did when they had kids: first solid food, first haircut, first bike, etc. [/b]

OP, it's not too late for your DH to tell them nicely and regretfully that you're planning to get him a bike for spring, so they'll need to get something else. If they're pissy, they're pissy. If they don't bother to ask beforehand, they risk being inconvenienced when they have to change their plans.

Uhhhh is this written in the parents' rule book that comes out with the afterbirth? I could have not cared less if my parents or inlaws gave my kid a bike. What is a parents' perogative varies according to families. Some of you people need to take a chill. 'What is the big deal -- hey mom we wanted to do that -- make it something special.' Don't need to make it out like they violated the Geneva convention like the pp is suggesting.

[Anonymous]

My ILs never consult us and consistently buy age-inappropriate things. In 3 years, there's not a single thing they've given that we can give to our kid. My personal favorite might be the 400 page book on Catholic saints for her first birthday. The lives of saints are not really something I'm going to read to my one year old.

[Anonymous]

Relax young parents, not all parents have the money to buy the gifts and if the grandparents want to buy a toy or a gift, be very lucky, be very appreciative as money does not grow on trees and remember it is all about the children and not about the parents of the child. Consider yourself lucky and don't be rude children of parents. Grandparents love their grandchildren and how long will they live let them enjoy it and swallow your pride. Be happy to have grandparents that love them and it's not spoiling them it's having the means to buy them something. Be grateful and kind to grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Right, I totally agree. Say thank you and be respectful and kind. If it's not something you like you can always donate it to someone else, put it in a box in a closet, or even better open up your own wallet and spend the money. Young parents are very spoiled nowadays.. look at third world countries. The children there play with a ball made out of yarn or hay come on this is out of proportion it's a toy it's a book it's close it's something from grandparents who will not always be around. Say thank you and smile and move on you've got a whole bunch of years ahead of you than to worry about a gift that was given to you.... Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Meh. I got over it after the first year. My parents main love language is gifts and they can afford all these things for my kids that they couldnt for me and even have those experiences. They bought my kids very nice bikes, those stay at their house as its better for riding (flat quiet street) and they are there nearly every weekend. Now we mostly need to deconflict which lego set they get and which we get. I know my kids love me and their dad and love their grandparents and not because of the gifts. My inlaws either buy from a list of gift a vintage kids book which is lovely as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relax young parents, not all parents have the money to buy the gifts and if the grandparents want to buy a toy or a gift, be very lucky, be very appreciative as money does not grow on trees and remember it is all about the children and not about the parents of the child. Consider yourself lucky and don't be rude children of parents. Grandparents love their grandchildren and how long will they live let them enjoy it and swallow your pride. Be happy to have grandparents that love them and it's not spoiling them it's having the means to buy them something. Be grateful and kind to grandparents.

Hopefully OP is a bit more relaxed about the bike 11 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs never consult us and consistently buy age-inappropriate things. In 3 years, there's not a single thing they've given that we can give to our kid. My personal favorite might be the 400 page book on Catholic saints for her first birthday. The lives of saints are not really something I'm going to read to my one year old.

This is my in-laws to a T. They find it really rude of us to have a wish list so I’ve given up. I’d love for them to want to buy my kids a bike or something actually useful and age appropriate.

(And yes this is a resurrected thread but a timeless issue, it would appear)

[Anonymous]

Hmm - I agree grandparents should consult parents - but more so they don't duplicate gifts or buy things that parents don't approve of/can't use.

I am happy when my parents cover the big ticket items since they have more money. As long as they are not buying duplicative presents not sure I understand the issue. Also I like my child having a connection with the grandparents and always point out when a gift came from my parents. (That elmo shirt you love came from Oma! - never mind that I actually picked out the favorite elmo shirt - she financed it so happy to give her credit.)

[Anonymous]

Grandparents on both sides give a card with $100 bill in it on holidays and birthdays. They don't know what my kids need and want. My kids do not need to spend money yet, and each has a few thousands in their piggy bank.

[Anonymous]

A bike without checking is a mistake. First of all I wanted my kids to have lightweight no pedal bikes to learn faster. The guardian or woom bikes are much easier to learn on. You will be the one working with him on it to teach him do you need to get one that works for you and your kid. I would tell them you respectfully decline and ask them to pick something else.

[Anonymous]

It's nice if they consult you on gifts but it is their money and they can spend how they choose. Maybe your child told them he wanted a bike.

[Anonymous]

A bike is sort of on the line, probably ok. Electronics are a hard no without checking. My kid has a chrome book from school and a Nintendo; we have no intention of buying him an iPad or equivalent, not a phone before middle school at least. If grandparents gave those items I would refuse them. Fortunately they know that and check with us.