Abusive Mom, now first time Grandma - advice?

[Anonymous]

great advice posted here.

Just want to add that in general, people don't change much. Don't care if SHE wants to try a do-over or what her motive is, it's not about HER it's about your DC. You're a mama bear now. Protect.

[Anonymous]

OP, congrats on your baby!

We have some similar dynamics in our family - specifically with my father. He was a very abusive parent (phsyically and emotionally) but is a pretty good grandfather. However, we (my husband and I) have spent A LOT of time talking about the likely challenges we'll face w/ my father's behavior, how it will trigger me, what we will/won't allow, what I handle vs what my husband will handle, etc... And we made it very clear from very early on that husband and I would set the rules. Grandparents (we have three sets) are warmly welcomed and very much desired as important parts of our kid's lives, but we are the parents and we set the rules and parameters around visits, discipline, food, schedules, etc...

It is so hard. But a new baby is a great opportunity to reset relationships. The battles you fight now, though they may seem trivial in the individual circumstance, set the tone for the lifelong relationship.

"Mom, I want you to be a part of X's life, an important part. However, I need you to respect our rules and requests. This starts now - I do not want heavy perfumes in the house - for both my and the baby's benefit. If you cannot respect that I understand, but then you cannot visit. I am sure that I will make other decisions you won't understand or agree with, but husband and I are going to build our family in the way we choose. We hope you want to be part of it, but if you are unable to accept our decisions we will respect that. "

Good luck.

And allow yourself a little time to get your equilibrium with your new reality. Becoming a mother is a trip - it really shakes things up physically, emotionally, etc... Give yourself sometime to figure it all out, and give yourself the freedom to set the rules for your nuclear family that you and your husband want.

Time will heal a great deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is really curious to me is, even if your request were utterly trivial, since it could jeopardize access to the grandchild, you would think she would do it, right? Well, the thing is, she thinks there is no danger of that. You have to set her straight.

How you set the tone here would probably save you loads of stress in the future. As a matter of fact, you *should* make trivial requests, and until she complies fully, the grandma/mom relationship is still rocky, given your past history.

My DH had a similarly abusive mother. He recognizes that she can be a good grandma but a piss-poor mother, but for the sake of his sanity, he lays down the law. And does make trivial requests. Oh boy, there was kicking and screaming in the beginning. She threatened to kill herself. She thought her boy was bluffing. Uh, no. Then she got scared because we basically gave her the impression that we didn't give a shit if she offed herself. Now she rarely acts up, but he has to be on guard. He has to be like a drill sergeant.

You are in for a world of stress if you let this woman run roughshod back into your life. Please, please, please train her, like the mean dog that she is. Some people only respond to pain and authority figures. My DH can be that figure, but he finds it very draining. He can only take her in limited doses.

If he were in your shoes, he would tell her, "if you show up with perfume one more time, you are not setting foot in my house. Do you understand?" She will show up with perfume (of course, right?), and after one whiff, he will shut the door in her face and lock it. Ignore knocking until she drives away. If she is already in the house, evict her. There has been an occasion when I had to physically push my MIL out of the house. She was refusing to leave.

If this all sounds like something that is not up your alley, then your alternative is probably her continuous critical and crazy comments, her perfume, and it may even encompass more serious stuff like her sneaking formula down your baby's throat while you are not looking.

So, in answer to your question, no you are not being too harsh. If the fight over boundaries is not something you are willing to engage in, then you should probably cut your losses.

But MIL does seem to love her granddaughter very much. Some of the craziest, abusive mothers are halfway decent grandmothers. It's weird like that.

OP--print this post out and copy it. Hang it on you bathroom mirrors and put it by your bedside. Read it every day and more. These are very wise words.

Agree. My parents are also abusive and I got really ill when I came into closer, more frequent, contact with them in the 2 years after DD was born. I had to step way back and remember why I had the distance there in the first place and remember that all the work I do to set good boundaries and stay firm was work that modeled to DD how to have healthy relationships.

The "get over it" says it all to me. That's what your mom expects and she is going to have to deal with reality: getting over it means doing something differently for your child, not just letting the same kind of crap continue in your house as an adult because she wants to pretend it didn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, congrats on your baby!

We have some similar dynamics in our family - specifically with my father. He was a very abusive parent (phsyically and emotionally) but is a pretty good grandfather. However, we (my husband and I) have spent A LOT of time talking about the likely challenges we'll face w/ my father's behavior, how it will trigger me, what we will/won't allow, what I handle vs what my husband will handle, etc... And we made it very clear from very early on that husband and I would set the rules. Grandparents (we have three sets) are warmly welcomed and very much desired as important parts of our kid's lives, but we are the parents and we set the rules and parameters around visits, discipline, food, schedules, etc...

It is so hard. But a new baby is a great opportunity to reset relationships. The battles you fight now, though they may seem trivial in the individual circumstance, set the tone for the lifelong relationship.

"Mom, I want you to be a part of X's life, an important part. However, I need you to respect our rules and requests. This starts now - I do not want heavy perfumes in the house - for both my and the baby's benefit. If you cannot respect that I understand, but then you cannot visit. I am sure that I will make other decisions you won't understand or agree with, but husband and I are going to build our family in the way we choose. We hope you want to be part of it, but if you are unable to accept our decisions we will respect that. "

Good luck.

And allow yourself a little time to get your equilibrium with your new reality. Becoming a mother is a trip - it really shakes things up physically, emotionally, etc... Give yourself sometime to figure it all out, and give yourself the freedom to set the rules for your nuclear family that you and your husband want.

Time will heal a great deal.

Agree with all this 100%. I was majorly triggered by my parents (and by the emotions and dynamics coming up with DD) for the first few years to an extent that I hadn't been since I lived under their roof. You are going to be doing A LOT of hard work that is going to support your own healing and provide for your wonderful baby in your new loving family. You, your baby, and your partner are your TOP priority until you have the additional emotional energy for anyone else. That's how it should be, and this is a great time to set boundaries as an adult that you did not have the power to set as a child. Setting them now will be amazingly healing, and you have the best motivation: the desire for a healthy relationship and family for your child. You can do it! If you aren't already seeing a therapist, I strongly recommend finding someone who can support you in these early years. Not because there's something "wrong" with you, but because you are going to face some rough things through no fault of your own, and you need and deserve all the loving support you can get.

[Anonymous]

I agree with all the comments about standing your ground and protecting yourself.

One small thought--DH has a difficult father. It has been a revelation to realize that FIL needs us much more than we need him in our lives. We're doing fine without much interaction, and our kids have many other people who love them and also show respect for our parenting. If FIL can't abide by our wishes for our family, he'll be the one missing out--we will be fine. (And so will you, if you choose to impose limits on your mother.)

[Anonymous]

OP: Remember there is a tremendous difference between a mother who is a pain, and one who is abusive. Yours is abusive. be careful Acknowledge that. Do not be afraid to set limits and stick to them. I am the PP who said OK to set a limit -- our baby went to the hospital with a concussion because MIL just could not be bothered to watch the toddler (and was always screaming at the children. yes I wanted it to work, but...) That was the end for me. It is OK. And much more peaceful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks all, for the advice.

00:54 - I had hoped that as well. Good point about DS following my example. I want to model forgiveness and patience, but this may be one of those times when safety wins out.

I saw this and just need to add, please remember that by giving in to your mother's manipulative behavior, you are not modeling forgiveness and patience, you are modeling being a doormat for your DS. Forgiveness is telling her to leave when she wears perfume and letting her back whne she does as you asks, it is NOT letting her in anyways.

Good luck and be strong! You can have a relationship with your mom on your terms if she is ready to be a good grandma, and remember that if she is not, your son (and you) are better off without her until she comes around. Be strong for your son and yourself, and definitely enlist DH when you need him.
This is your life and your child. You sound like a great mom!

[Anonymous]

FIL poster back again and just want to weigh in from another perspective: my grandfather was an awful father - alcoholic, manipulative, committed fraud to the detriment of his children, may have physically abused my grandmother but i was never details - but he was the most wonderful grandfather I could have asked for. When his children were grown and wanted nothing to do with him, he realized what he had done. My mother, out of her faith-based sense of obligation to forgive, re-established communication with him so he could know some of his grandchildren. None of my uncles were able to bring themselves to do the same so my grandfather died having never met half his grandchildren.

I realize it's hard to give people another chance and given the psychological triggers, it may not be possible or healthy in many cases. But if you have the strength to enduring interacting with her and she's willing to change, then you may find your child's life is very much enriched by this person and it may be your mother's last chance to be the person she hoped to be before she dies.

I don't mean to sound morbid, but if your mother is willing (and it sounds like she is but she's testing boundaries at this point) and you're able, you may find this is the most generous thing you might ever do. I deeply appreciate all the sacrifices my mother made so we could know our grandfather, who thankfully became a good man in the latter years of his life and I think that transformation was largely facilitated by my mother's willingness to welcome him back into her life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a very similar mother. I won't rehash what others have said because I think they are spot on about boundaries and distance and getting support elsewhere. Just wanted to let you there are other moms out there without emotionally present mothers. There are some great books for mothers without mothers. Good luck and take good care of yourself!

[Anonymous]

Never leave your children alone with her. Never. If you want to continue to cautiously test-the-waters re a relationship with your Mom that's one thing. Do not bring your daughter into this without you always being there, and always having a way to walk away. No need to explain this. Do not, do not explain to your mother- she will only use the info to "play hurt" and try to manipulate you into leaving the child with her.

[Anonymous]

I was majorly triggered by my parents (and by the emotions and dynamics coming up with DD) for the first few years to an extent that I hadn't been since I lived under their roof. You are going to be doing A LOT of hard work that is going to support your own healing and provide for your wonderful baby in your new loving family. You, your baby, and your partner are your TOP priority until you have the additional emotional energy for anyone else. That's how it should be, and this is a great time to set boundaries as an adult that you did not have the power to set as a child. Setting them now will be amazingly healing, and you have the best motivation: the desire for a healthy relationship and family for your child. You can do it! If you aren't already seeing a therapist, I strongly recommend finding someone who can support you in these early years. Not because there's something "wrong" with you, but because you are going to face some rough things through no fault of your own, and you need and deserve all the loving support you can get.

Some really good advice in this thread. I wanted to second this recommendation for counseling. I had a very abusive childhood and until my oldest was about 3, I didn't realize the horrific enormity of it all. When my odlest was the age I had first memories of the abuse I first witnessed and then was a victim of. It was crushing. It was my dad who was abusive (he died before I met DH) and I thought my mom was a victim but when I had my own kids I realized how she utterly failed to protect us and enabled my father. I felt re-traumatized. I ended up in counseling to help me through it. I know I'm not the only one on this forum to go through that.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH is wiling, he may get a different response from your mom than you. She's playing a game she thinks she can win with you. If her son in law opens the door, sniffs the perfume, and says "Thanks for stopping by but we can't have such perfumes around the baby. You're welcome to come back when you've had a chance to wash it off." and closes the door, she has to respond differently.

My FIL also plays a lot of abusive games but he also knows his BS lease is short with me. He just can't get under my skin in the same way because we don't have the history. So for now he's decided not to be a guest in our home, but that's his call. I went out of my way to make him welcome, but I couldn't accommodate his abuse and he's made his priorities clear. We still see him and communicate with him as much as we can, but I doubt he'll be in our home again for years to come. Interestingly, I still have a good relationship with him - I think abusive people know, on some level, that they're out of control.

That is a really interesting insight about control. My abusive relative has a good relationship with family members/ in laws who have simply shut her down, no coddling. But the ones who try to "meet her halfway" are the ones she is craziest to.

Mine, too!

"Give and inch, they take a mile"

[Anonymous]

I am surprised to say this, but the advice here on this particular post is actually very good.

My parents were like this too. For example, when I took my 2 month old son to see them, they refused to wash their hands before holding him, even though they had just done yard work/cooking/playing with their dogs (who I just found out had parasites, yuck!). I wouldn't give in, and they used this as yet another reason why I was a paranoid jerk. Even though my mom was in the room when the dr told us to wash our hands before touching a newborn, she told me that this was how babies got immunities! Um not at 2 months lady!

As many of the above posters have said, the reality is that y

[Anonymous]

(hit submit too soon!)

You should be prepared to cut off contact for your sanity. Time doesn't heal all wounds, and it's clear that your mom is still crazy.