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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, congrats on your baby!

We have some similar dynamics in our family - specifically with my father.  He was a very abusive parent (phsyically and emotionally) but is a pretty good grandfather.  However, we (my husband and I) have spent A LOT of time talking about the likely challenges we'll face w/ my father's behavior, how it will trigger me, what we will/won't allow, what I handle vs what my husband will handle, etc...  And we made it very clear from very early on that husband and I would set the rules.  Grandparents (we have three sets) are warmly welcomed and very much desired as important parts of our kid's lives, but we are the parents and we set the rules and parameters around visits, discipline, food, schedules, etc...

It is so hard.  But a new baby is a great opportunity to reset relationships.  The battles you fight now, though they may seem trivial in the individual circumstance, set the tone for the lifelong relationship.

"Mom, I want you to be a part of X's life, an important part.  However, I need you to respect our rules and requests.  This starts now - I do not want heavy perfumes in the house - for both my and the baby's benefit.  If you cannot respect that I understand, but then you cannot visit.  I am sure that I will make other decisions you won't understand or agree with, but husband and I are going to build our family in the way we choose.  We hope you want to be part of it, but if you are unable to accept our decisions we will respect that. "

Good luck.

And allow yourself a little time to get your equilibrium with your new reality.  Becoming a mother is a trip - it really shakes things up physically, emotionally, etc...  Give yourself sometime to figure it all out, and give yourself the freedom to set the rules for your nuclear family that you and your husband want.

Time will heal a great deal.  [/quote]

Agree with all this 100%.  I was majorly triggered by my parents (and by the emotions and dynamics coming up with DD) for the first few years to an extent that I hadn't been since I lived under their roof.  You are going to be doing A LOT of hard work that is going to support your own healing and provide for your wonderful baby in your new loving family.  You, your baby, and your partner are your TOP priority until you have the additional emotional energy for anyone else.  That's how it should be, and this is a great time to set boundaries as an adult that you did not have the power to set as a child.  Setting them now will be amazingly healing, and you have the best motivation: the desire for a healthy relationship and family for your child.  You can do it!  If you aren't already seeing a therapist, I strongly recommend finding someone who can support you in these early years.  Not because there's something "wrong" with you, but because you are going to face some rough things through no fault of your own, and you need and deserve all the loving support you can get.  [/quote]

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