Give me permission to not visit nutty sister for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

19:47 - I didn't mean to ask my mom for protection - what I meant was to ask her to stop asking me to put me any my family in harm's way. Why do we have to suffer my sister's abuse so that my mom can fulfill her fantasy of "the whole family got together for Thanksgiving?" My mom is very odd about this too - I think she is trying to prove that she made the right decisions about us growing up. A few years ago, for my mom's birthday, she spent the week traveling to each of her 3 kids' houses. She wore the same clothes for her pictures, so that she could put together an album and make it look like we all spent her birthday together.

I know I'm an adult, and I also know that I was given the wrong coping mechanisms as a child (I was just supposed to suck it up and take it instead of complaining). I'm trying to rebuild them in a healthy way. What is that healthy way? Frankly, the idea of a few hours with my sister still gives me hives. Sister lives about 3 hours away.

I think the right answer is to put together an alternative, fun, thanksgiving. Start focusing on my own family instead of the generation up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:47 - I didn't mean to ask my mom for protection - what I meant was to ask her to stop asking me to put me any my family in harm's way. Why do we have to suffer my sister's abuse so that my mom can fulfill her fantasy of "the whole family got together for Thanksgiving?" My mom is very odd about this too - I think she is trying to prove that she made the right decisions about us growing up. A few years ago, for my mom's birthday, she spent the week traveling to each of her 3 kids' houses. She wore the same clothes for her pictures, so that she could put together an album and make it look like we all spent her birthday together.

I know I'm an adult, and I also know that I was given the wrong coping mechanisms as a child (I was just supposed to suck it up and take it instead of complaining). I'm trying to rebuild them in a healthy way. What is that healthy way? Frankly, the idea of a few hours with my sister still gives me hives. Sister lives about 3 hours away.

I think the right answer is to put together an alternative, fun, thanksgiving. Start focusing on my own family instead of the generation up.

Do it! If you feel like you are wavering, or you just don't know how to cope/make choices, do a few sessions with a family therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn to love the holidays. Come to our house. Bring wine. Or a pie. Or cookies. Or an appetizer. Or flowers. We pretend we're the Kennedys and have a big football game before dinner. Then we eat. There's a kids table. We are mostly Democrats. There are a bunch of lawyers and a bunch of teachers and a bunch of kids. Men clean up from dinner. We go for a walk around the neighborhood to see who is already out putting up Christmas lights. Then we come home and eat dessert. One year there was a whipped cream fight. Among adults. Then we retire to the den and play board games. Then people are sent home with little containers of leftovers that they especially liked.

So okay, we'll see you? Great. Now go tell your sister you're sorry but won't be able to attend because you've already accepted an invitation.

This is our new, adult family.

OP, my birth family is like yours. So is DH's. Not cool. Its not up to you to put the family together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:47 - I didn't mean to ask my mom for protection - what I meant was to ask her to stop asking me to put me any my family in harm's way. Why do we have to suffer my sister's abuse so that my mom can fulfill her fantasy of "the whole family got together for Thanksgiving?" My mom is very odd about this too - I think she is trying to prove that she made the right decisions about us growing up. A few years ago, for my mom's birthday, she spent the week traveling to each of her 3 kids' houses. She wore the same clothes for her pictures, so that she could put together an album and make it look like we all spent her birthday together.

I know I'm an adult, and I also know that I was given the wrong coping mechanisms as a child (I was just supposed to suck it up and take it instead of complaining). I'm trying to rebuild them in a healthy way. What is that healthy way? Frankly, the idea of a few hours with my sister still gives me hives. Sister lives about 3 hours away.

I think the right answer is to put together an alternative, fun, thanksgiving. Start focusing on my own family instead of the generation up.

Right, OP, and you still haven't evolved very much. All you're still doing is complaining. Aren't you 45? Isn't it time to suck it up and learn new coping skills?

I honestly just feel sorry for your mom.

[Anonymous]

You are an adult. It is irrelevant that you were "given" the wrong coping mechanisms as a child. As an adult you own the way you chose to behave and react now.

[Anonymous]

I know I'm an adult, and I also know that I was given the wrong coping mechanisms as a child (I was just supposed to suck it up and take it instead of complaining). I'm trying to rebuild them in a healthy way. What is that healthy way? Frankly, the idea of a few hours with my sister still gives me hives. Sister lives about 3 hours away.

I think the right answer is to put together an alternative, fun, thanksgiving. Start focusing on my own family instead of the generation up.


Right, OP, and you still haven't evolved very much. All you're still doing is complaining. Aren't you 45? Isn't it time to suck it up and learn new coping skills?

I honestly just feel sorry for your mom.

That's exactly what I said I'm doing - looking to rebuild healthy coping skills. Can you tell me what the new coping skills should be? You seem to be complaining about me and you seem angry. These do not seem like positive coping skills. Maybe you are trying to point out that I need to let things like your stupid comment go. Thank you for that.

[Anonymous]

You must give yourself the permission to do what is best for YOU and your children, which may be to refuse the invitation.

And also you have to accept the consequences thereof, which may be that your Mom will be disappointed (tough titties, she should have done something years ago), sister will throw a fit, badmouth you to everybody, cut off contact (yipee! but sad about the cousins), or come to your house and kill you (word refusal politely).

That's it in a nutshell, OP.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need the "permission" of strangers to do or not do something?

[Anonymous]

Yes, 10:14, that's it exactly. Is this what happens in "normal" families when such an invitation is refused?

And yes 10:23, isn't that messed up? It's a consequence of FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt which comes out of being raised in a messed-up environment. Be thankful you don't suffer from it.

And yes, I'm coming over to 9:32's house, or rather I'm going to try and re-create that environment here. Sounds great.

[Anonymous]

I do think it is important for your kids to see their cousins and to not lose out on a sense of (extended) family. If one of your kids has a mental illness do you want your other kids to shun him/her?

If Thanksgiving is too stressful then arrange another time to see them and do thanksgiving at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn to love the holidays. Come to our house. Bring wine. Or a pie. Or cookies. Or an appetizer. Or flowers. We pretend we're the Kennedys and have a big football game before dinner. Then we eat. There's a kids table. We are mostly Democrats. There are a bunch of lawyers and a bunch of teachers and a bunch of kids. Men clean up from dinner. We go for a walk around the neighborhood to see who is already out putting up Christmas lights. Then we come home and eat dessert. One year there was a whipped cream fight. Among adults. Then we retire to the den and play board games. Then people are sent home with little containers of leftovers that they especially liked.

So okay, we'll see you? Great. Now go tell your sister you're sorry but won't be able to attend because you've already accepted an invitation.

I love you, PP. My family will be there around 2 p.m.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:52 - I think she is a bit mentally ill. Not hospitalization level, but she's off. How can I not take it personally when she knows many of my buttons and purposely pushes them?

If you think of it as the way the mental illness is hurting her, rather than the way she is hurting you, you are a lot less likely to feel it so personally. Easier said than done, I know. Imagine some crazy homeless person (sorry for the stereotype, but it should help you picture this) you happen to walk by said the same things your sister did... that would not hit you so personally, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:47 - I didn't mean to ask my mom for protection - what I meant was to ask her to stop asking me to put me any my family in harm's way. Why do we have to suffer my sister's abuse so that my mom can fulfill her fantasy of "the whole family got together for Thanksgiving?" My mom is very odd about this too - I think she is trying to prove that she made the right decisions about us growing up. A few years ago, for my mom's birthday, she spent the week traveling to each of her 3 kids' houses. She wore the same clothes for her pictures, so that she could put together an album and make it look like we all spent her birthday together.

I know I'm an adult, and I also know that I was given the wrong coping mechanisms as a child (I was just supposed to suck it up and take it instead of complaining). I'm trying to rebuild them in a healthy way. What is that healthy way? Frankly, the idea of a few hours with my sister still gives me hives. Sister lives about 3 hours away.

I think the right answer is to put together an alternative, fun, thanksgiving. Start focusing on my own family instead of the generation up.

Different poster here. OP, I think by asking your mom to do this, you're still wanting her to agree with you that she's doing a bad thing and to stop doing it. But you know she is not going to change and you're setting yourself up for more guilt and abuse by even telling her your feelings about her behavior. I suggest just deciding on your own plan and telling your mom what you're going to do without trying to get her to understand or agree with you. Just smile and say something like "This is what we decided to do this year." It will be hard at first but if you do it on a regular basis, your mom may learn that it's pointless to argue with you about it. But if you keep trying to talk her out of her behavior, she will always use that as an excuse to argue with you and engage with you. Don't engage!

Good luck to you. This sounds really hard but you sound like you're moving in a healthy direction. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

I think there is no reason for you to unhappy on Thanksgiving. Plan a turkey dinner at your house and invite some friends who are in the same boat.

Life is short. Set boundaries today.

[Anonymous]

Attend this year for a limited time and be as polite as possible, make other plans for the holiday going forward.