Give me permission to not visit nutty sister for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand crazy sister behavior. I think your problem is that you want their approval and you can't have it and be happy. Either do what will make you happy and sane, and set a limit (ie..skipping or only going for a short period. Or get their approval and go and be miserable and get treated poorly. Don't you hate all your friends who talk about their sister's being their best friends. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

16:47 - you are right on. Thank you for the empathy. It helps.

[Anonymous]

I've watched enough Sopranos to know that you don't give up on family. Ask Tony how many times he wanted to bail on Janice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are an adult. It is irrelevant that you were "given" the wrong coping mechanisms as a child. As an adult you own the way you chose to behave and react now.

+1 There is a statute of limitations for blaming your parents for your problems. OPs has long expired.

Do what you have to do for your immediate family's sanity. Just stop blaming your mother.

[Anonymous]

I do think it is important for your kids to see their cousins and to not lose out on a sense of (extended) family. If one of your kids has a mental illness do you want your other kids to shun him/her?

If Thanksgiving is too stressful then arrange another time to see them and do thanksgiving at home.

Mental illness by itself is no reason to shun someone. When untreated mental illness has negative impact on others, particularly children, it most definitely is a reason to shun someone. I say this as someone who grew up with a lot of untreated mental illness in my immediate family (and the accompanying physical/mental abuse, substance abuse and suicide). My own DH has depression/anxiety which has been difficult to treat. My own kids are at high risk of mental illness given the family history. Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse.

[Anonymous]

You have my permission not to go. I have a crazy sister and she is closeby, but there is no way we want to see each other.
You deserve a break and a happy day without your sister.

[Anonymous]

Permission granted.

[Anonymous]

I have a dysfunctional sister that I do not speak to at all. You are hereby absolved of your guilt. Just do Thanksgiving at your house with your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is having birthday parties for herself pretending she is five, in combination with everything else you have written, it sounds like she is mentally ill. If that is the case, then her actions aren't personal towards you, just a manifestation of her illness.
How far? Where do you stay? How often do you see them?

Agreed but that still doesn't mean you are obligated to spend time with that person, when all they do is make you and your family miserable. This is why I no longer speak to or see my own sister. I'm sorry she's ill, but I'm not going to allow her behavior to affect me or my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:52 - I think she is a bit mentally ill. Not hospitalization level, but she's off. How can I not take it personally when she knows many of my buttons and purposely pushes them?

You have my sympathies, I've learned the hard way that ignoring untreated low level mental illness just to be nice/make others happy just brings the sane people down.

Well said!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:19:47 - I didn't mean to ask my mom for protection - what I meant was to ask her to stop asking me to put me any my family in harm's way. Why do we have to suffer my sister's abuse so that my mom can fulfill her fantasy of "the whole family got together for Thanksgiving?" My mom is very odd about this too - I think she is trying to prove that she made the right decisions about us growing up. A few years ago, for my mom's birthday, she spent the week traveling to each of her 3 kids' houses. She wore the same clothes for her pictures, so that she could put together an album and make it look like we all spent her birthday together.

I know I'm an adult, and I also know that I was given the wrong coping mechanisms as a child (I was just supposed to suck it up and take it instead of complaining). I'm trying to rebuild them in a healthy way. What is that healthy way? Frankly, the idea of a few hours with my sister still gives me hives. Sister lives about 3 hours away.

I think the right answer is to put together an alternative, fun, thanksgiving. Start focusing on my own family instead of the generation up.

Right, OP, and you still haven't evolved very much. All you're still doing is complaining. Aren't you 45? Isn't it time to suck it up and learn new coping skills?

I honestly just feel sorry for your mom.

Wow. Judgy much? Guessing you didn't grow up in a family like this. The co-dependency guilt trips are very, very difficult to disentangle from. If you don't know what you are talking about and don't have anything nice or constructive to say, you'd do better to just shut your fat yap.

[Anonymous]

To take 12:09's comment another way, if a crazy homeless person treated you this way, would you go back for more? Of course not. So don't go back for more from your FOO (family of origin). I think we should expect more from family and friends, not less. I'm in a similar boat but decided my sweep-it-under-the-rug mother and narcissistic sister can have their own deranged Thanksgiving. DH and I made new traditions and now I actually enjoy them. I don't spend the holiday walking on eggshells, afraid to trigger sister's crazy while everyone else pretends it's not happening.

[Anonymous]

OP, you haven't answered yet: how far away does she live?

[Anonymous]

don't go. Why waste one second of your life with someone that brings you down. I have not spent one holiday with my family since I turned 18, that was 38 yrs ago. I have no stress about it. They are dysfunctional. I can not help who I was born to, but I can damn well help who I spend my adult time with. Just say no!

[Anonymous]

Dude, your sister tried to kill you w/ a metal pipe? Permission granted.