Reply to Give me permission to not visit nutty sister for Thanksgiving

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]19:47 - I didn't mean to ask my mom for protection - [b]what I meant was to ask her to stop asking me to put me any my family in harm's way.   [/b]Why do we have to suffer my sister's abuse so that my mom can fulfill her fantasy of "the whole family got together for Thanksgiving?"   My mom is very odd about this too - I think she is trying to prove that she made the right decisions about us growing up.  A few years ago, for my mom's birthday, she spent the week traveling to each of her 3 kids' houses.  She wore the same clothes for her pictures, so that she could put together an album and make it look like we all spent her birthday together.

I know I'm an adult, and I also know that I was given the wrong coping mechanisms as a child (I was just supposed to suck it up and take it instead of complaining).  I'm trying to rebuild them in a healthy way.  What is that healthy way?   Frankly, the idea of a few hours with my sister still gives me hives.  Sister lives about 3 hours away.

I think the right answer is to put together an alternative, fun, thanksgiving.  Start focusing on my own family instead of the generation up.  [/quote]Different poster here.  OP, I think by asking your mom to do this, you're still wanting her to agree with you that she's doing a bad thing and to stop doing it.  But you know she is not going to change and you're setting yourself up for more guilt and abuse by even telling her your feelings about her behavior.  I suggest just deciding on your own plan and telling your mom what you're going to do without trying to get her to understand or agree with you.  Just smile and say something like "This is what we decided to do this year." It will be hard at first but if you do it on a regular basis, your mom may learn that it's pointless to argue with you about it.  But if you keep trying to talk her out of her behavior, she will always use that as an excuse to argue with you and engage with you.  Don't engage!

Good luck to you.  This sounds really hard but you sound like you're moving in a healthy direction.  Hang in there![/quote]

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