Saying no to two Christmases

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief, that is insane, OP! I would talk to DH about cutting back on all the trips year-round. Figure out which one's matter most and cut back on others...set a rough total of trips you are willing to make a year--4 to 6 sounds like plenty if you are up for a whole weekend.

Start with Mother's Day. Send MIL flowers, and enjoy that weekend as you wish.

I'm surprised by these responses. We normally visit at least once a month, but it does seem excessive to us. I assumed once a month was normal for closer family? Traffic is really bad to get to them. We feel guilt tripped to see them mainly because it's not their fault that we moved away.

[Anonymous]

Everyone needs to visit you more. Do all these grandparents still work or are they retired?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief, that is insane, OP! I would talk to DH about cutting back on all the trips year-round. Figure out which one's matter most and cut back on others...set a rough total of trips you are willing to make a year--4 to 6 sounds like plenty if you are up for a whole weekend.

Start with Mother's Day. Send MIL flowers, and enjoy that weekend as you wish.

This is a very, very good idea.

At some point you need to put your FAMILY first over your family.

You know, that old Bible verse "...and a man shall leave his father and mother and the two shall be as one..."

It is natural to move on and make your current family the most important family. It doesn't mean you cut the extended family off, but that you sometimes need to make your nuclear family and its traditions the main priority, and that is okay.

[Anonymous]

This seems to be a dilemna for a lot of folks, and I don't understand it. I avoid all this by just saying that now that we have children, we want to spend our Christmas at home with them. And that anyone in the family who wants to join us would be more than welcome. If they don't want to come, that's their choice and there's no hard feelings. And if they do, it's great.

[Anonymous]

DH and I saw this ticking bomb coming and headed it off early, pre-kids, and we don't even have to really travel. We do ONE family for Thanksgiving and ONE family for Christmas. That's it. Which family, is alternated by year. By the time kids came along everone was so used to it, it wasn't a big deal. If we can get together in between, or between Christmas and New Year's, great. If not, we don't turn into pumpkins on 1 Jan. Everyone will survive.

[Anonymous]

Unless someone is sick / elderly, they can get in the car and visit.

FYI - we are always the family that drives to see my IL's. I wind up taking off a bunch of time as it is a 7 hours drive and we make it at least 2 times a year.

Starting this year, I am no longer scheduling around the general family getting together. We will drive up on Christmas Eve. Be there for Christmas and the day after and return on the afternoon of the 27th. I am not hanging out in a small house with the thought that others will socialize- b/c they don't. They save up their vacation for the summer and we wind up sitting in my MILs house with 3 kids climbing the walls. Not fun for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good grief, that is insane, OP! I would talk to DH about cutting back on all the trips year-round. Figure out which one's matter most and cut back on others...set a rough total of trips you are willing to make a year--4 to 6 sounds like plenty if you are up for a whole weekend.

Start with Mother's Day. Send MIL flowers, and enjoy that weekend as you wish.

I'm surprised by these responses. We normally visit at least once a month, but it does seem excessive to us. I assumed once a month was normal for closer family? Traffic is really bad to get to them. We feel guilt tripped to see them mainly because it's not their fault that we moved away.

But you didn't do anything "to" them by moving away, that's the thing. You have a right to live your lives as you wish, and you don't have to make it up to them, but rather do what works for the situation you are now in. I would go nuts if I had to spend a weekend with my ILs every month. Even if I liked them more than I do, that is 25% of my weekend time. No way--my time with just DH and DS, not to mention fitting time in with friends, plus all we have to accomplish on the weekends as two working parents...a weekend a month with anyone even if I enjoyed it would be too much. You can set some boundaries here.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's okay to claim some holidays as your own. My family is out of the country but husband's is local so we spend most holidays with them. Before we had kids, we claimed Christmas Eve as a day for us to celebrate on our own. We also do our own Thanksgiving at home the day after - I would love if we took turns hosting but accept that my MIL wants to do it every year.

[Anonymous]

Not unreasonable to choose one Christmas. Just tell them "we're doing Christmas at wife's family this year." Period.

(But, please don't cancel the second Christmas because wife's family is making bitter comments. That is a terrible reason.)

I don't really see why people are giving you advice to cut back on other trips. You didn't indicate you dislike them, did you? I don't think the fact that some other posters take fewer trips means there's anything wrong or weird about your family's schedule. If my in laws lived 4 hours away, I am sure we would see them at least once a month.

[Anonymous]

We had been spending Thanksgiving with my wife's (farther) family and Christmas with my family. The first year we went to see my wife's family for Christmas, we celebrated New Year's weekend (just a 3-day weekend, so no days off of work) with my family and we opened family gifts then. Since then, we've slowly eased out of the "every year" thing. We make our arrangements and try to see both sides as often as possible, but we no longer give in to the pressure and manipulation to see them every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you have to draw your own boundaries. If it were me I'd say something along the lines of 'we can't travel to both families each year so will be alternating, but would love to have you come see us here in DC' and let the chips fall where they will. If that means kids don't get presents from that set of grandparents, oh well - I'm sure they'll have plenty more.

And my answer might be different if the other half of the family made more effort. I am willing to make a lot of effort to see various parts of our family because the effort is returned - my parents would routinely drive to visit when we lived 5 hours away, and for Thanksgiving will be making their 3rd trip to come see us since we moved a plane flight away in January (plus I brought the kids to them for a long visit in the summer.)

I realize we're lucky in that they are retired and have both the time and money to be able to make that work. But still - the point is that if DH's family really wanted to see you, they could make the effort to travel, it shouldn't always be you.

Many, many, many couples alternate holidays. There is nothing odd about doing so. The fact that your husband's family won't travel to see you in no way obligates you to travel to see them. Tell them that you will travel to them every other year, just as you travel to your family every other year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems to be a dilemna for a lot of folks, and I don't understand it. I avoid all this by just saying that now that we have children, we want to spend our Christmas at home with them. And that anyone in the family who wants to join us would be more than welcome. If they don't want to come, that's their choice and there's no hard feelings. And if they do, it's great.

We did this too and it's working out fine after some initial grumbling. It's much easier for two retired people to come visit than a family with two working parents take vacation time, etc. OP, do you WANT to spend all the minor and major holidays and birthdays with the husband's family, or do you want to start doing some of them at your house, with your nuclear family? If what you're doing is working for you, fine, but I personally wouldn't want to schlep my family four hours each way for every special occasion. They are asking way too much of you simply because they don't want to travel. I hope you'll put your foot down if you don't want to do all the traveling anymore. They will bitch and moan about it, but I bet once they realize you're serious, they'll end up coming to visit you after all.

For this Christmas, at least, I'd say "we're going to spend Christmas with wife's family this year. We'll be back on xx date and would love to see you if you'd like to come visit and celebrate then!" If they try to insist that you come to them, just say "sorry, that's not going to work for us this year. We'd love to see you if you can make it!" And repeat. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good grief, that is insane, OP! I would talk to DH about cutting back on all the trips year-round. Figure out which one's matter most and cut back on others...set a rough total of trips you are willing to make a year--4 to 6 sounds like plenty if you are up for a whole weekend.

Start with Mother's Day. Send MIL flowers, and enjoy that weekend as you wish.

I'm surprised by these responses. We normally visit at least once a month, but it does seem excessive to us. I assumed once a month was normal for closer family? Traffic is really bad to get to them. We feel guilt tripped to see them mainly because it's not their fault that we moved away.

Driving that far once a month is insane. Ridiculously far for anyone, not to mention a family with kids! I wouldn't call 4 hours away close at all. You need to get off the guilt trip train and stand up for yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband's family gets birthdays, mother's/father's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and every other Christmas. Is it unreasonable to not have to celebrate with them every other year?

No, not unreasonable at all.

It's not unreasonable at all, unless Husband's family is unreasonable. Sounds like they are. And at 4 hours, that's not a terrible weekend trip - not a fun relaxing weekend trip, but it's doable.

The only way out of it is for husband to flat out say, we're not coming this year, can't swing it, so sorry, we'll put our presents to you in the mail. ANd then take the shitstorm that comes - once you get through it once it'll be easier.

(and, I agree with a PP - it IS unreasonable for wife's family to be upset husband's closer family gets more holidays. It is what it is.)

+1. You can even exchange gifts in person next time you see them, since it sounds like you see them pretty frequently anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband's family gets birthdays, mother's/father's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and every other Christmas. Is it unreasonable to not have to celebrate with them every other year?

No, not unreasonable at all.

Good grief, when do you celebrate special events at home? I'd hate to have to travel all the time for holidays or events--even 4 hours is too long when you have kids to cart around.

We don't get to celebrate anything at home. Even DH's birthday gets celebrated at his parent's home (they will keep our gifts until the next time we visit, then have cake and grandparents over). We've lived in DC for almost 6 years and my family has visited twice, and his once.

Can you celebrate his bday at home without them?