Do I need to put my big girl pants on? a novel

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need some stronger boundaries with your parents, starting with not going there this weekend. Seriously. Tell your parents that life has been too hectic, and you just need some one-on-one time with your kid and husband. Take the time to savor the weekend...and then reflect on your priorities not after a crappy weekend with your parents but after a lovely weekend at home. With that as your foundation, think about how often you would ideally see your parents. If they are not willing to come to you, if they are not willing to adjust to having a toddler around, how many visits? Do that, and tell them to come to you if they'd like to see you more often. And, hopefully, it will get better when your kids aren't quite so little.

I totally agree. As a compromise, if they live within 30 minutes of something fun, you could always get a hotel room with a pool and spend the night there. You could visit them on their turf but then retreat to your own when ready. You can do whatever fun activity is closer to your parents, your DD will love the pool and you'll get to relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is similar to what you described. I always say that she likes the "idea" of my 5 y/o DD, but ultimately, really does not interact with her. I avoid my mom as much as possible.

This is my MIL. We see her 2x/yr for about 5 days each and that is it.

[Anonymous]

If you arrive and brother is there: You get back into the car and drive back home. Period. Do you have the spine to do it? And can you do it without lecturing them, or listening to them plead, or engaging in any way? If you have told the parents that you will not have DD in the same breathing space as brother, ever, then if he is there you leave instantly. No explanations needed. It will be a pain to drive hours to get there and then come straight back but you must do that if you want them to get the message. (If you have not told them this clearly already -- that is your fault and must be amended now with a crystal clear statement from you to them: If brother is present I will turn around and leave.)

Your parents are not treating your daughter the way you want, on your terms. Well, they are after all adults, and grandparents -- not her parents. If your own childhood was marred by dad and mom not paying enough attention, that is an issue for you to work through however you want. But don't expect them to change; change your reactions to them and change how you handle visits. Would it be thoughtful and kind and loving of them to think instead about things to do that are appropriate for and fun for your child? Absolutely. Do you know from experience that they will not do that? Yes, you do. Does it make them bad and evil? Well, no; it makes them adults who have spent a long time without kids around and who are living their lives as they normally do when you are present.

So....It's a waste of your time and energy to expect behaviors from them that you know will not happen. Why eat up your heart with anger and frustration over it?

Instead, take some initiative. There ARE choices other than visiting them at their home. Make arrangements to meet on neutral turf that is fun for you daughter so that she gets to be everyone's focus and you aren't left steaming that you have to chase her during their late dinner and cocktails. Find a town with a theme park, or a big, outdoorsy historic site (like Williamsburg) where she can run around a lot and the adults can say, "We'll tour this building and meet you in one hour for ice cream and a carriage ride" or whatever. It will cost money but you can see them at a time and place where they can focus on her and on you. And you can all get away from each other for brief periods.

But even before you do that -- have you tried sitting them down and saying, "Hey, I know it's been years since you had a kid this age in the house so I wanted to talk to you about the schedule when we are here. I do not expect you to alter everything you do for Sally's sake, but I do need you to know that eating dinner at 7:30 means that Sally and I will need to eat at 6:00 on our own, because she can't wait that late to eat when she goes to bed at 8. And keeping her up past bedtime to meet your guests seems nice but it throws her off so badly that the next day I get meltdowns on the way home that you don't get to see, but it does happen because she's over-tired. I have a suggestion for next time we come: I'd love to meet some of your friends for lunch instead (then name a relatively child-friendly restaurant; if they want something fancy that would not work, TELL them so). Then in the afternoon after that, I know there is a park near here that has (whatever play structure daughter loves) and I'd like you to come with us there to watch her play and spend some play time with her."

And so on. Be frank but not judgmental about the fact that late meals and staying up to be shown off at parties make your child tired and cranky and you are going to control her schedule while you're there. And then have suggestions -- don't leave it all in their hands to plan kid-friendly stuff in their town. Come to them with specific ideas, including times (lunch, not dinner) and places (restaurant you already checked out online, park you drove past on the way into town). Can you be firm enough to stick to it if they then say, "Oh, we already invited X people over to dinner and really want them to see Sally"?

It may be too late to change anything if you do go this weekend, but this could be the weekend to sit down with them and say that the visits aren't always working well with daughter's sleep and eating and small kids need consistency. Say that you would love to see them play with her and spend more time just interacting with her, but also help them figure out how to do that, especially if they are many years into the kid-free, cocktail-hour mind-set. I agree that they should already be thinking about her first but they are in a pattern of cooing over her a bit and then showing her off. Some grandparents are frankly lousy at dealing with younger kids but are better with older ones; that may be a change you see over time.

But steaming about it and getting stressed over whether to go or not won't help things; being armed with ideas and specific suggestions and being firm about sticking to your child's schedule (with some flexibility -- any travel means being a little bit off) will help. So will meeting them in another location where they do not have friends coming to visit or a dinner party to throw. If they dig in their heels and won't meet you halfway on anything you suggest, try as long as you feel comfortable, but then shift to having them come to you instead, and if it's overnight -- find them a hotel near you rather than having them stay at your house.

As for your spending the night in their house: Your husband is putting too much pressure on you. He isn't even going to be there to help with driving, but feels he can dictate that you go down and back in a day rather than spend the night there. Surely there are hotels in this town? Get one. Not sure why your husband didn't come up with that on his own.

And as for brother, that's non-negotiable, of course, and you don't stay around to argue the point but make the drive back home instantly if he is there. Only that will teach them that you mean business when it comes to him.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go. Priorities, right? The happiness of your family (the three of you) should come first. If parents being nothing to the party, don't worry about them.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a nightmare and incredibly pointless. Don't go.

[Anonymous]

Nope, I wouldn't go. I'd probably lie and say DD was sick but if you really want to put those underpants on just say you need a weekend to relax, and you hope they can come for dinner sometime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go. You'll see them at thanksgiving, and that's enough. DD is "sick" and you're "coming down with it too"

+1

[Anonymous]

I hate to advocate lying, but for now, I would just say DD is sick (maybe a "on our way to the doctors!" etc text), since you're getting really anxious about it (I am the same way).

Then, you really need to explore these issues a little more and come up with a reasonable solution. What PP said here is spot-on:

"Your parents are not treating your daughter the way you want, on your terms. Well, they are after all adults, and grandparents -- not her parents. If your own childhood was marred by dad and mom not paying enough attention, that is an issue for you to work through however you want. But don't expect them to change; change your reactions to them and change how you handle visits. Would it be thoughtful and kind and loving of them to think instead about things to do that are appropriate for and fun for your child? Absolutely. Do you know from experience that they will not do that? Yes, you do. Does it make them bad and evil? Well, no; it makes them adults who have spent a long time without kids around and who are living their lives as they normally do when you are present."

People without kids, or people with grown children, don't totally get into kid-mode, and don't care to either. And that's fine. But, it does suck that she puts on the front for her friends - which is what she's doing, right? And it sucks that she insists on the visits and then refuses to interact/play with DD. Like you said, it's not like your foisting the visits on her and then expecting her to completely do a 180 and be all about DD. That's the part that would annoy the crap out of me.

The issue with your brother- I won't even get into that. You will NOT STAY THERE or even visit if he's there. Period. I don't care if you just see him and leave with no explanation. Just leave.

Regarding your DH- It is nice to see he is backing you up while also letting you take the reins- usually on DCUM you see either the DH not sticking up for the DW, or the DH pushing the DW into a situation, or dictating too much- it seems like he agrees with you, backs you up, stands his ground, but is letting you make the ultimate decisions, since it is your mom after all.

Can you be frank but not judgemental (like a PP suggested) and maybe write your parents an email (since it seems like they won't do face to face confrontation well)? Tell them what you said here, but in a matter of fact way. I find sometimes when I can write something out, I can look over it, edit it, wait a while before deciding to send it, ... etc. It helps me.

[Anonymous]

Why would you go? Stay home! No illness excuse necessary. Just, so sorry we can't make it. We just needed some time alone to connect." Done!