Do I need to put my big girl pants on? a novel

[Anonymous]

Basically: I am supposed to take 2YO DD to my parents' house this weekend, and I find myself dreading it and making every excuse to cancel. Am I being overly dramatic here? WWYD?

1. My parents are 2-3 hours away if traffic's not bad. So to make the trip worth it, we really need to leave Sat AM and come home Sunday PM. DH is scheduled to work all weekend... so in some ways it's ideal, in other ways "OMG don't make me do this without you". To make it clear, going down for the weekend will cost me 1/3 of the time I get to spend with DH in the WHOLE WEEK (Sat PM). They moved away, so I have no ties to their current area (no friends to visit over there, etc). There's also NOTHING TO DO
2. They make no effort to adjust their schedule/lifestyle to DD. To make it clear, they are always asking for us to visit, it's not like I'm foisting this upon them. But I guarantee you there will be happy hour, late dinner, evening party... none of which she is interested in for more than 10 mins. So I spend the entire time chasing her and keeping her pacified so she can be the adorable little grandchild they want to show off. This means I am not socializing with my parents (who are busy drinking and socializing with their friends) or anyone else (who I don't know anyway). These plans are never discussed with me ahead of time, just sold as "put your coats on."
3. They claim that they are desperate to see DD, but then don't interact with her It's weird, b/c my father was a very hands-on dad... but he'll just say "Hey kiddo" and then ignore DD. My mom will shower her with (unwanted, inappropriate) gifts and take pictures, but nothing that requires setting down her drink. DD is a very physically active kid and we can't even go for walks in the neighborhood (b/c "we have to stop in and see XYZ" which leads to the drinking and socializing above). I just feel like saying, I can send you a picture, it's basically the same thing.
4. This is the real issue. Until very recently, my adult, drug addicted, violent, convicted felon brother lived with them (he's in jail right now but will be out shortly). DH and I have made it clear that he WILL NOT BE AROUND DD. But of course he'll move right back in once he's out. I know my parents are going to want to vent/talk/discuss the situation, and frankly I am so done with it. I just can't take it any more. They know that he takes advantage of them, and they know that they enable him, but they continue to do so and I don't see it ever stopping. They have poured all their love and attention to him "b/c he needed it more" (their words). They admit it, and then wonder why we don't see them more. This is nothing new, status quo for the past 20 years.

I WOH FT and so does DH. I just dread the idea of losing the ONLY TWO DAYS I HAVE to relax, hang out with DD, and get a few things done around the house, to deal with either sidestepping that issue, or having it out with my parents about the issue (w/o DH there to back me up).

Also, DH has stated that he does not want us to spend the night there, even though felon-sib isn't there right now, b/c he doesn't want my parents to get used to it and then we have to be the bad guys later when he's back (put our feet down now, is his reasoning). Also, he sees the laissez-faire attitude toward DD and almost doesn't want them around her or in the house (drug paraphenalia).
"Please keep DD away from the oven while I remove our dinner" apparently means "sit on the couch with your wine while calling DD, DD repeatedly as she barrels toward the open oven and bubbling hot dish" as an example.

As you can tell, my parents and I do not have a close relationship AT ALL, and (this is bad of me, I know) I keep thinking "we're going to see them at Thanksgiving and that's enough for me."

WWYD? Stop complaining? Go down just for one (very long urgghhhh) day? I really don't want to cross DH on the spending-the-night thing, but don't feel like having the real conversation with my parents. I realize that there are larger issues here and believe me, I have barely touched on them. Thanks for anyone willing to read this whole essay and comment.

[Anonymous]

your post is too long.

I skimmed it. Unless I missed something, the real concern is your brother. Put your foot down about him.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go. You'll see them at thanksgiving, and that's enough. DD is "sick" and you're "coming down with it too"

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need some stronger boundaries with your parents, starting with not going there this weekend. Seriously. Tell your parents that life has been too hectic, and you just need some one-on-one time with your kid and husband. Take the time to savor the weekend...and then reflect on your priorities not after a crappy weekend with your parents but after a lovely weekend at home. With that as your foundation, think about how often you would ideally see your parents. If they are not willing to come to you, if they are not willing to adjust to having a toddler around, how many visits? Do that, and tell them to come to you if they'd like to see you more often. And, hopefully, it will get better when your kids aren't quite so little.

[Anonymous]

I just posted about the crazy sister.

Seriously- don't go. Thanksgiving is enough. It's only Tuesday and if you are already feeling this panicky about it- don't do it. You are an adult and need to do what's best for YOUR family.

[Anonymous]

Cancel at the last minute. Tell them you all caught a bug from preschool or something.

Then, take your DD out to a pumpkin patch or something all day Saturday and feel no guilt.

-Signed, my mom is like this and it sucks

[Anonymous]

Don't go. What's the point? You won't enjoy it, your DD probably won't either.

[Anonymous]

How often do you go visit, OP? It sounds like, if your brother is moving back with them, this may be the last time you'd have to go visit them. Where do they live? Are there museums or kids activities there?

Based on what you describe, how they act, how old your daughter is and how active she is, the fact that your husband won't be there to help you watch her, the 4-6-hour drive, etc., etc., I agree with the suggestion that you cancel on, say, Thursday around dinner time, citing DD's "illness." And make sure they understand they'll see you at Thanksgiving, not two weekends from now for a "make-up" visit!

[Anonymous]

OP, didn't have time to read your whole post but the key thing to me is your statement about making the trip "worth it" by staying overnight. No, that does not make the trip "worth it." What makes the trip worth it is you choosing how much time you want to spend with your family.

My MIL lived about an hour away. Dh always felt like we had to go down and spend the night but he actually didn't like his mother much and he didn't enjoy the trip. I always wanted to drive down for lunch and come back because I felt that spending the night was too much time and we were just waiting to come home. And I found going for lunch much more enjoyable than spending the night. While his mother had some behavioral quirks, I got along with her much better than dh (she didn't raise me so she couldn't push my buttons) but dh always accused me of not wanting to spend time with his mother. I know better.

Anyway, this all is to say that if you limit the time you spend with your family instead of dutifully going overnight you may find you enjoy the visit more - or at least you don't hate it so much. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. Have them come to you to visit (not necessarily this weekend) - that way they won't be partying and socializing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am shocked. Where is the dcum snark I was expecting... lol
So apparently I am not totally crazy. I kinda just want to take DD to the farmer's market - which she talks about ALL WEEK LONG - and maybe the park. And hang out with DH Sat evening. Not deal with the drama.

We see them maybe once every couple months, generally meeting halfway or they come to us. They live in an old people's community in the middle of nowhere. Museums and kids activities are pretty much nonexistent and my parents can't do much walking anyway.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. My parents are like this - aren't interested in my kids, don't adapt their life or schedule at all if we visit, and are only interested in talking to me and acting like my kids don't exist and life is exactly the same as it always was. As a result, I never make the effort to visit them with kids. Once a year, I do an obligatory trip by myself. If they want to see my kids, they travel to me. Funny how they never make that a priority! Their loss.

Just don't go and enjoy your weekend.

[Anonymous]

My mom is similar to what you described. I always say that she likes the "idea" of my 5 y/o DD, but ultimately, really does not interact with her. I avoid my mom as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't go. My parents are like this - aren't interested in my kids, don't adapt their life or schedule at all if we visit, and are only interested in talking to me and acting like my kids don't exist and life is exactly the same as it always was. As a result, I never make the effort to visit them with kids. Once a year, I do an obligatory trip by myself. If they want to see my kids, they travel to me. Funny how they never make that a priority! Their loss.

Just don't go and enjoy your weekend.

I was just going to say this. I'm an earlier PP who suggested you stay home this weekend, and I would say that you might alternate trips with the whole family with the occasional trip where you go up and back in a day by yourself. Just focus on your parents...it sounds like they are older and in not great shape...in other words, they need as much managing in a way as your kids. Occasionally go attend to them. But not with your kids this weekend, and generally not just you and and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Don't go OP. One of the benefits of small children (IMO) is that it makes it much easier to draw some boundaries/limits around what you can/are willing to do.

"Mom and Dad, I'm sorry but we can't make it this weekend but we're really looking forward to seeing you next month."

If you need more: "I'll be on my own this weekend and am looking forward to having some quiet, relaxing time. I'm just not up to all the driving and extra work it takes, and I've been promising X that we'd do...." etc...

Also - get skype. We have 3 sets of grandparents, all long distance, and skype is the greatest thing ever. The kids see them regularly, they see the kids, and we SCHEDULE the calls when it's convenient for us. Brilliant! This actually buys me as much a half hour of quiet/calm time to clean up after (or make) dinner or whatever.

But do what's best for you OP - don't martyr yourself.