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[quote=Anonymous]If you arrive and brother is there: You get back into the car and drive back home. Period. Do you have the spine to do it? And can you do it without lecturing them, or listening to them plead, or engaging in any way? If you have told the parents that you will not have DD in the same breathing space as brother, ever, then if he is there you leave instantly. No explanations needed. It will be a pain to drive hours to get there and then come straight back but you must do that if you want them to get the message. (If you have [u]not [/u]told them this clearly already -- that is your fault and must be amended now with a crystal clear statement from you to them: If brother is present I will turn around and leave.)

Your parents are not treating your daughter the way you want, on your terms. Well, they are after all adults, and grandparents -- not her parents. If your own childhood was marred by dad and mom not paying enough attention, that is an issue for you to work through however you want. But don't expect them to change; change your reactions to them and change how you handle visits. Would it be thoughtful and kind and loving of them to think instead about things to do that are appropriate for and fun for your child? Absolutely. Do you know from experience that they will not do that? Yes, you do. Does it make them bad and evil? Well, no; it makes them adults who have spent a long time without kids around and who are living their lives as they normally do when you are present.

So....It's a waste of your time and energy to expect behaviors from them that you know will not happen. Why eat up your heart with anger and frustration over it?

Instead, take some initiative. There ARE choices other than visiting them at their home. Make arrangements to meet on neutral turf that is fun for you daughter so that she gets to be everyone's focus and you aren't left steaming that you have to chase her during their late dinner and cocktails. Find a town with a theme park, or a big, outdoorsy historic site (like Williamsburg) where she can run around a lot and the adults can say, "We'll tour this building and meet you in one hour for ice cream and a carriage ride" or whatever. It will cost money but you can see them at a time and place where they can focus on her and on you. And you can all get away from each other for brief periods.

But even before you do that -- have you tried sitting them down and saying, "Hey, I know it's been years since you had a kid this age in the house so I wanted to talk to you about the schedule when we are here. I do not expect you to alter everything you do for Sally's sake, but I do need you to know that eating dinner at 7:30 means that Sally and I will need to eat at 6:00 on our own, because she can't wait that late to eat when she goes to bed at 8. And keeping her up past bedtime to meet your guests seems nice but it throws her off so badly that the next day I get meltdowns on the way home that you don't get to see, but it does happen because she's over-tired. I have a suggestion for next time we come: I'd love to meet some of your friends for lunch instead (then name a relatively child-friendly restaurant; if they want something fancy that would not work, TELL them so). Then in the afternoon after that, I know there is a park near here that has (whatever play structure daughter loves) and I'd like you to come with us there to watch her play and spend some play time with her."

And so on. Be frank but not judgmental about the fact that late meals and staying up to be shown off at parties make your child tired and cranky and you are going to control her schedule while you're there. And then have suggestions -- don't leave it all in their hands to plan kid-friendly stuff in their town. Come to them with specific ideas, including times (lunch, not dinner) and places (restaurant you already checked out online, park you drove past on the way into town). Can you be firm enough to stick to it if they then say, "Oh, we already invited X people over to dinner and really want them to see Sally"?

It may be too late to change anything if you do go this weekend, but this could be the weekend to sit down with them and say that the visits aren't always working well with daughter's sleep and eating and small kids need consistency. Say that you would love to see them play with her and spend more time just interacting with her, but also help them figure out how to do that, especially if they are many years into the kid-free, cocktail-hour mind-set. I agree that they should already be thinking about her first but they are in a pattern of cooing over her a bit and then showing her off. Some grandparents are frankly lousy at dealing with younger kids but are better with older ones; that may be a change you see over time.

But steaming about it and getting stressed over whether to go or not won't help things; being armed with ideas and specific suggestions and being firm about sticking to your child's schedule (with some flexibility -- any travel means being a little bit off) will help. So will meeting them in another location where they do not have friends coming to visit or a dinner party to throw. If they dig in their heels and won't meet you halfway on anything you suggest, try as long as you feel comfortable, but then shift to having them come to you instead, and if it's overnight -- find them a hotel near you rather than having them stay at your house.

As for your spending the night in their house: Your husband is putting too much pressure on you. He isn't even going to be there to help with driving, but feels he can dictate that you go down and back in a day rather than spend the night there. Surely there are hotels in this town? Get one. Not sure why your husband didn't come up with that on his own.

And as for brother, that's non-negotiable, of course, and you don't stay around to argue the point but make the drive back home instantly if he is there. Only that will teach them that you mean business when it comes to him.[/quote]

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