DC missing out on grandparents' love

[Anonymous]

I grew up in St. Louis. My grandparents lived in Nashville the first 15 years of my life, then moved to Kansas City when I was 15. My dads 2 sisters and their families also moved from Nashville to KC at the same time. Needless to say, Grandma is much closer to those grandchildren than she ever has been to me. I spent a week every summer with her, but it's not the same as constant contact. After the move to KC, I went 3 years at a time without seeing her.

I just moved to Knoxville, TN and 3 weeks after I moved, Grandma called and was driving through to South Carolina with one of my cousins and wanted to visit. They stayed a night each way on their trip. I was pleasantly surprised, we had a great time, and I look forward to seeing her again. It isn't the same relationship we would have had if I grew up down the street, but it's still good.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm talking to a fellow parent bragging about their little snowflake when I'm actually talking to my kids grandparents and they're going on and on about my kids cousins. They're the same age, but they live nearby and go on many vacations together. I used to talk about how wonderfully my kids were doing, then stopped. I realized they didn't want to hear it. It hurts all of us, but they just seem to be more comfortable with their other grandchildren, and that would probably be the case whether they were local or not. We have friends to invite to events where others would invite grandparents, so I don't think my kids are missing out on anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you think there's favoritism beyond grandchildren? Do you think their sister is the paretns' favorite? Usually favoritism carries over: the favorite's child becomes the favorite grandchild.

OP here. I don't believe grandparents played favorites when we were kids, BUT, I do believe since we've grown up, sister has become the "favorite" over time. Sister lives closer and is able to help grandparents with their day-to-day needs, whereas it is impossible for me because of the distance. In my perfect world, that should make no difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what you describe, OP, it does sound as if there is favoritism.
You mention there have been fights about this in the past: have the grandparents acknowledged the issue at all? Are they in denial?

Grandparents are in complete denial. Each time I try to broach the subject, grandparents get defensive, blame me, make excuses. So I've given up on the idea of resolving the matter. DC is too young to know what's going on, and maybe he will not miss something he never had in the first place, but I'm learning how important it is for children to be surrounded with as much love as possible from many sources, not just from parents. Plus, since I don't feel good about the situation, my relationship with grandparents is negatively affected. This has also created a wedge in my relationship with sister.

I'm sorry OP. How old is your son? Could it be that your parents are better with older children? My father is like this, doesn't get babies at all and complains about the baby's schedule, need for naps/consistent bedtime. My son is now a toddler and things are going a lot better with his grandpa who likes to play with him and engage.
Meanwhile my ILs are much like your situation and often can't visit (though they live 2 hours away) because they're constantly babysitting for their other grandchildren. It's definitely difficult.

When you're feeling calm and level headed, I would ask your parents to consider visiting a few times a year because you would love to see them develop a closer relationship with your child, as you can see they have with their other grandchildren. Maybe offer to help pay for the trip in case that is a problem for them.

[Anonymous]

Mu kids got the short end of the grandparents stick too. On both sides for various reasons, some within their control some outside of their control. It sucks. We have tried to build "adoptive" grandparent relationships, similar to ones I had as a child, but none took. I still end up doing more for my parents during crises because of circumstances, but my sister gets the benefits. She is great with my kids, so at least they have a super aunt experience.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for your responses. The problem is the grandparents' lack of interest in building a relationship with/getting to know my DC. I'm willing to help facilitate the process, and I have tried by offering to do the traveling, inviting grandparents to my home, but there is always some other "priority" that trumps the plans.

Grandparents are always watching out for sister's kids -- free, regular babysitting, school supplies, clothes, etc when needed, toys when asked, and the list goes on. I know this because grandparents tell me -- not to rub in face, but as a matter of fact. I hardly get a "how is DC doing?"

Perhaps favoritism is the wrong word here, but it's SOMETHING that's a sore spot for me. What does time and distance have to do with at least showing some interest in DC's existence?

As you can see, I am quite bitter about this.

What exactly are you bitter about? Because, frankly, from this post, it sounds like you are more concerned with the free gifts over the grandparents getting to know your DC.

Is that really the issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Thanks everyone for your responses. The problem is the grandparents' lack of interest in building a relationship with/getting to know my DC. I'm willing to help facilitate the process, and I have tried by offering to do the traveling, inviting grandparents to my home, but there is always some other "priority" that trumps the plans.

Grandparents are always watching out for sister's kids -- free, regular babysitting, school supplies, clothes, etc when needed, toys when asked, and the list goes on. I know this because grandparents tell me -- not to rub in face, but as a matter of fact. I hardly get a "how is DC doing?"

Perhaps favoritism is the wrong word here, but it's SOMETHING that's a sore spot for me. What does time and distance have to do with at least showing some interest in DC's existence?

As you can see, I am quite bitter about this.

What exactly are you bitter about? Because, frankly, from this post, it sounds like you are more concerned with the free gifts over the grandparents getting to know your DC.

Is that really the issue?[/quote

Whether it's gifts or time or help, this issue is ALWAYS about the parent(s), and not the grandchildren. The grandchildren don't know what they are missing. The parents know enough to be jealous, though.

My MIL and FIL really don't care about any of their grandkids. They're just not interested in a relationship. My parents are dead. My kids are effectively without grandparents. They just don't have that relationship. We've substituted close relationships with my brothers. The kids adore their uncles. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

Another rejected family here.

My in-laws caused so many arguments over the years and would never know it.

We are georgraphically closest to the ILs. We have our first child and they didn't come visit for 6 months? Can't even remember. Of course, when SIL had her second a few months after us (and before the ILs visited) they flew out no less than 3 times with out driving or taking the train to see us. SIL even said "haha I'm the favored child."

Since then, we see them less than once a year and twice now they've been in the area but didn't ask to see our child. They also haven't flown to see SIL either. Frankly, they are retired and don't make an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Thanks everyone for your responses. The problem is the grandparents' lack of interest in building a relationship with/getting to know my DC. I'm willing to help facilitate the process, and I have tried by offering to do the traveling, inviting grandparents to my home, but there is always some other "priority" that trumps the plans.

Grandparents are always watching out for sister's kids -- free, regular babysitting, school supplies, clothes, etc when needed, toys when asked, and the list goes on. I know this because grandparents tell me -- not to rub in face, but as a matter of fact. I hardly get a "how is DC doing?"

Perhaps favoritism is the wrong word here, but it's SOMETHING that's a sore spot for me. What does time and distance have to do with at least showing some interest in DC's existence?

As you can see, I am quite bitter about this.

What exactly are you bitter about? Because, frankly, from this post, it sounds like you are more concerned with the free gifts over the grandparents getting to know your DC.

Is that really the issue?

OP here, no free gifts is not the issue. You must be a grandparent.

The issue is the lack of effort/perceived lack of interest in my DC. I said this already. If grandparents took a remote interest in my DC, DC would get more time and attention. Sometimes, grandparents adoration manifests in gifts/toys. It's the adoration that I wish my for DC.