DC missing out on grandparents' love

[Anonymous]

My mother clearly favors my sister's children over my DC. I chalk it up to time and distance. Mom gets to see sister's children frequently because they live in the same town (plus they've been around a lot longer than my DC). We live 4 hours away. The difference in treatment caused major arguments and tension in the past. Over time I have learned to accept the situation and the reality that things will likely never change. Still, I hurt for my DC. My husband's family is a 3 hour flight away, so we only see them once or twice a year. It feels DC will miss out on that special grandparent-grandchild relationship that most children get to experience. For the BTDTers, how do you deal?

[Anonymous]

We moved cross country for work when my children were preschool/elementary age. Sibling lives near my parents (I'm about 3-4 hours away by plane). Of course mom & dad see my sibling & their children more but mom/dad never acted as though they favored anyone. They have come to visit us, we fly out to visit them, frequent phone calls, etc.

[Anonymous]

I moved grandparents into our home.

[Anonymous]

It is was it is. There are worse things than not all living in the same village generation after generation....

[Anonymous]

If you live farther away then you have to make a much bigger effort to build the relationship. My mother lives a plane ride away so we only see her 2-3 times a year. The kids Skype with her every single day so that she is part of their lives and they are part of hers.

[Anonymous]

I think perhaps you are romanticizing the grandparent-grandchild relationship. I much prefer the healthy relationship I had with mine (lived overseas, saw them every few years) then the obsessive, constantly visiting,smothering relationship MIL wants to have. You don't need constant contact to have a bond.

Favoritism is a problem if course. Focus on your in laws if they're more sane. We got ours an iPad do we can bridge the distance with FaceTime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I think perhaps you are romanticizing the grandparent-grandchild relationship.[/b] I much prefer the healthy relationship I had with mine (lived overseas, saw them every few years) then the obsessive, constantly visiting,smothering relationship MIL wants to have. You don't need constant contact to have a bond.

Favoritism is a problem if course. Focus on your in laws if they're more sane. We got ours an iPad do we can bridge the distance with FaceTime.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think perhaps you are romanticizing the grandparent-grandchild relationship. I much prefer the healthy relationship I had with mine (lived overseas, saw them every few years) then the obsessive, constantly visiting,smothering relationship MIL wants to have. You don't need constant contact to have a bond.

Favoritism is a problem if course. Focus on your in laws if they're more sane. We got ours an iPad do we can bridge the distance with FaceTime.

Good advice.

If the favoritism extends to truly ham-fisted stuff like handing Local Grandkid a gift right in front of Long-distance Grandkid and that's a problem, then you need to speak up (but please -- don't speak up to say "Every kid should get exactly the same thing" but instead, "Please don't do that in front of my kids--can you see how that would make them feel?").

If the favoritism is more along the lines of "Grandma goes to Local Grandkid's concert/school play/Scout event, Grandma praises Local Grandkid more for his/her badges, awards, school stuff" and so on, well, that may indeed be a result of Grandma's just being able to see more of Local, and that is something you truly cannot change.

Hard to tell since you don't define what the favoritism is that has caused so many issues. But if the issues really come more from things that neither Grandma nor your sister's family can or should change -- like the fact they live closer to each other and can be more involved on a daily basis -- then consider whether it's really about your wanting a closeness that is not possible with the distances involved.

[Anonymous]

We are struggling with the same issue. It doesn't help that my son isn't as outgoing (crawling into grandpa's lap for a story) as his cousins. I realized it was actually one of his cousins who was constantly asking grandma to help or grandpa to hold his hand, and not necessarily grandma and grandpa who were actively choosing to spend more time with them. I spoke to my SIL about how it hurt me that there didn't feel like enough space for my child to have a good relationship with his grandparents since her kids were always there when they visit together (being local and all). Not much has changed but it did feel good to say something out loud.

Hugs, OP... this has been tough for me and I imagine it's tough for you too.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for your responses. The problem is the grandparents' lack of interest in building a relationship with/getting to know my DC. I'm willing to help facilitate the process, and I have tried by offering to do the traveling, inviting grandparents to my home, but there is always some other "priority" that trumps the plans.

Grandparents are always watching out for sister's kids -- free, regular babysitting, school supplies, clothes, etc when needed, toys when asked, and the list goes on. I know this because grandparents tell me -- not to rub in face, but as a matter of fact. I hardly get a "how is DC doing?"

Perhaps favoritism is the wrong word here, but it's SOMETHING that's a sore spot for me. What does time and distance have to do with at least showing some interest in DC's existence?

As you can see, I am quite bitter about this.

[Anonymous]

From what you describe, OP, it does sound as if there is favoritism.
You mention there have been fights about this in the past: have the grandparents acknowledged the issue at all? Are they in denial?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From what you describe, OP, it does sound as if there is favoritism.
You mention there have been fights about this in the past: have the grandparents acknowledged the issue at all? Are they in denial?

Grandparents are in complete denial. Each time I try to broach the subject, grandparents get defensive, blame me, make excuses. So I've given up on the idea of resolving the matter. DC is too young to know what's going on, and maybe he will not miss something he never had in the first place, but I'm learning how important it is for children to be surrounded with as much love as possible from many sources, not just from parents. Plus, since I don't feel good about the situation, my relationship with grandparents is negatively affected. This has also created a wedge in my relationship with sister.

[Anonymous]

We live in the same town as the inlaws , and while SIL and fam lived here too, they got all the childcare and CARING about the CHILDREN. Once SIL moved 10 hours way, they take the f'in train to do childcare there. We hardly ever see them. They seem fine with this arrangement. They make vague offer of help or visits. But really, they just dont give a damn.

This favoritism has gone on so long that DH and I are pretty much DONE. They have made their choice.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you think there's favoritism beyond grandchildren? Do you think their sister is the paretns' favorite? Usually favoritism carries over: the favorite's child becomes the favorite grandchild.

[Anonymous]

This must be so sad for you op. It is hurtful to realize that your relationship with your parents isn't what you thought. This isn't just about your dc. Grieve what you don't have.

There are so many of us who live no where near family and don't get to see them often. It doesn't feel good when you realize that your family circle is actually small. You should distance yourself from them and work on memories for your family. If your parents deny and don't change behavior, it really isn't worth it to keep torturing yourself with them.