i wish my mother understood me... feeling like a child, help me not act like one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up.

My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic.

OP here. I think they would butt in regardless. They just have a really laaisez faire attitude towards money. I truly think it comes from having been diplomats where they were never expecting to stay here for very long plus a guaranteed pension plus the fact that their incomes weren't taxed... And their only point of comparison is the super rich super generous younger brother. And in their heads, I'm cheap and stingy bc I married a stingy man.

You give them way too much information. Why are you talking to them about this, much less in so much detail?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to stop sharing so much with your parents re: $ and house purchasing. And when your Mom does comment, say thanks for your perspective and redirect the conversation. You do not owe her an explanation.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your story about your parents is contradictory.

You said they were diplomats and never put much thought into where they would be living a year ahead and have no concept of a forever home.

Yet you said in the paragraph before that they bought a fixer upper and spent years and money on fixing it up.

OP here: they bought a fixer upper b/c they never intended to stay a very long time - it was a "temporary" home. they put in work slowly and really did the majority of the renovations when i was in college and it was clear they weren't going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up.

My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic.

OP here. I think they would butt in regardless. They just have a really laaisez faire attitude towards money. I truly think it comes from having been diplomats where they were never expecting to stay here for very long plus a guaranteed pension plus the fact that their incomes weren't taxed... And their only point of comparison is the super rich super generous younger brother. And in their heads, I'm cheap and stingy bc I married a stingy man.

You give them way too much information. Why are you talking to them about this, much less in so much detail?

oP here: we're not really american even though we've lived here for a gazillion years; we're from a culture of extended families (DH as well, but not a diplomatic family) and being all together in the area, we act as sort of an extended family system... and while my parents don't know the dollar amounts of what we make, they know the vague estimates. they know our range for homes (and have always told us we should be reaching higher) and our locations.

i think what this thread has made me realize is that its wrong of me to need validation from them for my own choices. i should just won my own choices and decisions and they shouldn't have to approve for me to feel good about them.

[Anonymous]

** own my own choices, not "won" my own choices

[Anonymous]

I think planning for the future is a great thing to do. I already have my kids collage paid for.I have kids 13,14,11,6. Your mother should start planning. I think it is exellent that you have planned. You should tell your mom that you think planning and sorting out what you need from what you want is very important. Tell her that she can live her life how she wants to,and you will live yours how you want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up.

My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic.

OP here. I think they would butt in regardless. They just have a really laaisez faire attitude towards money. I truly think it comes from having been diplomats where they were never expecting to stay here for very long plus a guaranteed pension plus the fact that their incomes weren't taxed... And their only point of comparison is the super rich super generous younger brother. And in their heads, I'm cheap and stingy bc I married a stingy man.

You give them way too much information. Why are you talking to them about this, much less in so much detail?

oP here: we're not really american even though we've lived here for a gazillion years; we're from a culture of extended families (DH as well, but not a diplomatic family) and being all together in the area, we act as sort of an extended family system... and while my parents don't know the dollar amounts of what we make, they know the vague estimates. they know our range for homes (and have always told us we should be reaching higher) and our locations.
i think what this thread has made me realize is that its wrong of me to need validation from them for my own choices. i should just won my own choices and decisions and they shouldn't have to approve for me to feel good about them.

If you accept this as the basis for your relationships with extended family (for whatever benefits it may have for you), then you have to accept the downside too.

I would not be able to live with my extended family in my personal business to that degree, and certainly not given the behavior you describe.

Regardless, you seem to seek validation from your parents for your choices and that is not working for you. If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got. So, change the dynamic. Stop looking to them for approval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

i think what this thread has made me realize is that its wrong of me to need validation from them for my own choices. i should just won my own choices and decisions and they shouldn't have to approve for me to feel good about them.

Yes, OP - I think you're right with this realization. But also, if it helps, try to think of it as the choices you and your husband are making that are right for YOUR family. What is best for your nuclear family will, by definition, be different than what is best for anyone else's - be that your parents, your brother, your friend, etc... If you and your husband start with a unified approach to these things, and are in agreement about the choices you're making, then your answer to your mother is "Thanks Mom but we're making decisions based on what's right for us." Period. Then you don't engage in any further discussion or questioning.

Your mother sounds kind of obnoxious (though I can imagine there being some cultural norms that are a little different than traditional american attitudes) and not particularly understanding or respectful of your choices. But you also sound very susceptible to her criticism (understandably) and maybe just a hair not fully on board with your husband's approach. Which is also understandable, but if you have invasive parents or in-laws it is CRITICALLY important not to let them see anything other than a united front from you and your husband. (I speak from extensive experience on this issue!!!)

In terms of your choices, I totally respect what you're doing in terms of financial security. Both my husband and I lived below our means when we were single and we still do so. We are financially conservative, put a high value on savings and emergency funds, and bought less than the biggest/grandest house we could afford. As a result, he and I virtually never fight about money, almost never have significant financial anxiety, are able to start college funds for our kids, can weather the impact of the current shutdown (which is hitting one of our salaries because of government contractor work), etc... I cannot tell you how much peace of mind our emergency fund gives me. It is huge, and so important. And far more important than anyone else's opinion of our financial decisions.

You sound like you are doing a terrific job to me. I'm sorry your mother is so judgmental and outspoken. You should be getting praise and support and admiration for the choices you're making, not criticism.

All the best to you.

[Anonymous]

OP why are they so informed about every area of your life. Why do they even know about your emergency fund? Why do they need to know ever detail of every house you are looking at and what your budget for houses is? And they often provide free childcare? It seems you have interwoven them into the fabric of your family in a very involved manner. When people have access to that level of detail and are included in private matters, they are going to have opinions about them.

You need to set better boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up.

HUH???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

i think what this thread has made me realize is that its wrong of me to need validation from them for my own choices. i should just won my own choices and decisions and they shouldn't have to approve for me to feel good about them.

Yes, OP - I think you're right with this realization. But also, if it helps, try to think of it as the choices you and your husband are making that are right for YOUR family. What is best for your nuclear family will, by definition, be different than what is best for anyone else's - be that your parents, your brother, your friend, etc... If you and your husband start with a unified approach to these things, and are in agreement about the choices you're making, then your answer to your mother is "Thanks Mom but we're making decisions based on what's right for us." Period. Then you don't engage in any further discussion or questioning.

Your mother sounds kind of obnoxious (though I can imagine there being some cultural norms that are a little different than traditional american attitudes) and not particularly understanding or respectful of your choices. But you also sound very susceptible to her criticism (understandably) and maybe just a hair not fully on board with your husband's approach. Which is also understandable, but if you have invasive parents or in-laws it is CRITICALLY important not to let them see anything other than a united front from you and your husband. (I speak from extensive experience on this issue!!!)

In terms of your choices, I totally respect what you're doing in terms of financial security. Both my husband and I lived below our means when we were single and we still do so. We are financially conservative, put a high value on savings and emergency funds, and bought less than the biggest/grandest house we could afford. As a result, he and I virtually never fight about money, almost never have significant financial anxiety, are able to start college funds for our kids, can weather the impact of the current shutdown (which is hitting one of our salaries because of government contractor work), etc... I cannot tell you how much peace of mind our emergency fund gives me. It is huge, and so important. And far more important than anyone else's opinion of our financial decisions.

You sound like you are doing a terrific job to me. I'm sorry your mother is so judgmental and outspoken. You should be getting praise and support and admiration for the choices you're making, not criticism.

All the best to you.

thank you for this message - it was really helpful and supportive - and the bit I have bolded is absolutely the truth. I think my parents can sense that DH and I have not always been 100% on the same page - I was much more relaxed about money until 2 back-to-back health crises hit us (financially and emotionally) hard - and now, we are 90% overlapping our financial outlooks and views - I still tend to be the more relaxed one and he is still the one more worried for a future rainy day.

Again, I think I really need to grow up and separate a bit from needing my parents' approval.

Sometimes, I think I should keep a journal and just get all this out, but its so helpful to get anonymous feedback.

And to the other posters, I really enjoy this extended family system. It feels very loving and supportive. My kids have their own rooms at the grandparents, they love them dearly, and they do different things with them - my mom has my 4 year old sewing - something that I feel too rushed to focus on with such a small kid. Our kids have no afterschool nanny or babysitter - they come home or go to the GPs - it allows me to work a very demanding job with an alternate (read: crazy) schedule. I actually don't mind sharing our financial information at all; I don't feel money to be very "rpivate," I just (WRONGLY) wanted their approval in using my money the way I'm using it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up.

My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic.

Free childcare is financial support.

[Anonymous]

My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic.



Free childcare is financial support.

Huh? If you read my post I think it is pretty apparent that I am not the OP (who is getting the free childcare), but rather, someone giving the OP advice. My point is that whether or not your parents give you money, if they're certain kinds of people, they are going to criticize what you do regardless, and you have to let it roll off you.