Reply to i wish my mother understood me... feeling like a child, help me not act like one

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

i think what this thread has made me realize is that its wrong of me to need validation from them for my own choices. i should just won my own choices and decisions and they shouldn't have to approve for me to feel good about them.[/quote]

Yes, OP - I think you're right with this realization.  But also, if it helps, try to think of it as the choices you and your husband are making that are right for YOUR family.   What is best for your nuclear family will, by definition, be different than what is best for anyone else's - be that your parents, your brother, your friend, etc...   If you and your husband start with a unified approach to these things, and are in agreement about the choices you're making, then your answer to your mother is "Thanks Mom but we're making decisions based on what's right for us."   Period.  Then you don't engage in any further discussion or questioning.

Your mother sounds kind of obnoxious (though I can imagine there being some cultural norms that are a little different than traditional american attitudes) and [b]not particularly understanding or respectful of your choices.  But you also sound very susceptible to her criticism (understandably) and maybe just a hair not fully on board with your husband's approach. [/b] Which is also understandable, but if you have invasive parents or in-laws it is CRITICALLY important not to let them see anything other than a united front from you and your husband.  (I speak from extensive experience on this issue!!!)

In terms of your choices, I totally respect what you're doing in terms of financial security.  Both my husband and I lived below our means when we were single and we still do so.  We are financially conservative, put a high value on savings and emergency funds, and bought less than the biggest/grandest house we could afford.  As a result, he and I virtually never fight about money, almost never have significant financial anxiety, are able to start college funds for our kids, can weather the impact of the current shutdown (which is hitting one of our salaries because of government contractor work), etc...   I cannot tell you how much peace of mind our emergency fund gives me.  It is huge, and so important.   And far more important than anyone else's opinion of our financial decisions.

You sound like you are doing a terrific job to me.  I'm sorry your mother is so judgmental and outspoken.  You should be getting praise and support and admiration for the choices you're making, not criticism.

All the best to you.[/quote]

thank you for this message - it was really helpful and supportive - and the bit I have bolded is absolutely the truth. I think my parents can sense that DH and I have not always been 100% on the same page - I was much more relaxed about money until 2 back-to-back health crises hit us (financially and emotionally) hard - and now, we are 90% overlapping our financial outlooks and views - I still tend to be the more relaxed one and he is still the one more worried for a future rainy day.

Again, I think I really need to grow up and separate a bit from needing my parents' approval.

Sometimes, I think I should keep a journal and just get all this out, but its so helpful to get anonymous feedback.

And to the other posters, I really enjoy this extended family system. It feels very loving and supportive. My kids have their own rooms at the grandparents, they love them dearly, and they do different things with them - my mom has my 4 year old sewing - something that I feel too rushed to focus on with such a small kid. Our kids have no afterschool nanny or babysitter - they come home or go to the GPs - it allows me to work a very demanding job with an alternate (read: crazy) schedule. I actually don't mind sharing our financial information at all; I don't feel money to be very "rpivate," I just (WRONGLY) wanted their approval in using my money the way I'm using it...[/quote]

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