i wish my mother understood me... feeling like a child, help me not act like one
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Anonymous
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i have a generally excellent relationship with my parents - they live in the area and do a great deal of childcare - out of their own desire and volition. We get along well and spend some time each weekend together. They have always been a bit cooler towards my husband (for various reasons, some of them very legitimate).
We are now buying a house. We live in a townhouse that is much too small and it has talen a lot of time for DH to want to move - i was ready long before him. We have certain financial constraints. Both my parents have repeatedly told DH and I how they bought a fixer-upper and put years of time and money into it to turn it into a really beautiful home. DH prefers to buy something "ready" - he doesn't want to invest unknown amounts of time and money into any house. My parents seem to be mocking us at times - and today, my mother said to me "well, we're just different than you two; we care about people, you care about money." she knows our salaries and she knows we are trying to keep 6 mon savings in the bank in case of emergency - she just thinks we're foolish for doing so, and her whole comment was about this desire to not entirely deplete our bank accounts at once. she and my dad were diplomats - they never thought more than 1 year ahead of their life in the US - never saved for college or anything (and luckily, were well-off enough to pay in full for all three of their kids) and always spoke about moving back. I think the idea of a forever house or of saving for the future was just not on their radar. And now they've made it totally clear that they think we are short sighted and foolish for saving for the future and not blowing everything on a house. i am just at such a loss. i'm so used to being understood and understanding their position; i'm not used to being the enemy. my mom says she's trying not to be involved, but she keeps butting in: "did you know So-an-SO's son bought a house where the inspector said there was a $50,000 issue in the basement! they still bought it!" (this after we were telling her and my dad about a house we really like that seems to have some water damage and cracks in the basement - they bought sort of looked at us askew when we said we were thinking about not purchasing since it could be a potentially very costly repair - on top of the high cost of the house). sorry this is so long and disjointed - i'm feeling quite out of sorts. |
Anonymous
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Let me get this straight. Your mom is criticizing you for wanting to have a six month emergency fund rather than sinking every dollar into a house??
Is she prepared to bail you out if you have an emergency? |
Anonymous
I think she would bail us out in an emergency - a severe emergency. But she's not gifting us $50,000 to fix a drainage problem... I don't know how this plays into it, but my younger brother is a multi-millionaire and he's bought them expensive vacations where he charges everything to his card, paid for lots of big and small extras - basically, done things I can never do. But deep down inside, I think my parents think that I'm not spending money on them bc my DH is spend-thrift, and not bc I just can't afford it. |
Anonymous
| Just tell her that financial guru Suze Orman's credo is "People first, then money, then things" AND strongly recommends an EIGHT month emergency fund of living expenses. |
Anonymous
| Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up. |
Anonymous
My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic. |
Anonymous
OP here. I think they would butt in regardless. They just have a really laaisez faire attitude towards money. I truly think it comes from having been diplomats where they were never expecting to stay here for very long plus a guaranteed pension plus the fact that their incomes weren't taxed... And their only point of comparison is the super rich super generous younger brother. And in their heads, I'm cheap and stingy bc I married a stingy man. |
Anonymous
| OP, you need to stop sharing so much with your parents re: $ and house purchasing. And when your Mom does comment, say thanks for your perspective and redirect the conversation. You do not owe her an explanation. |
Anonymous
You can't make her not butt in, but you can certainly not respond to it - either emotionally or outwardly to her. She can say what she wants, but if she gets nothing but non-responsiveness in response, or repeating "We're not going to agree on this one, and I'm not going to discuss it further." It will become boring for her eventually, and she will give up. |
Anonymous
Then you must change the subject and/or leave their company. That is what an adult does when confronted by those who will not respect their wishes. I am the youngest daughter of two military officers and it took complete financial independence combined that response to get their respect. |
Anonymous
+1 And it is ok for you to do things differently than your parents. |
Anonymous
Yes, your mom obviously has had dumb luck financially and has absolutely no clue of how lucky she has been. Nothing wrong with not buying a "fixer upper." Don't give her the details on which to judge. If she truly cared about people she would better respect boundaries. She may ask for details and say, "I don't really know," and change the subject. Otherwise you are hoisting yourself with your own petard. In other words, don't give her the rope with which to hang yourself. |
Anonymous
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Me too! My parents make intrusive comments, never think aobut the future, spend a lot, always want to gift us stuff, and dislike DH. They think he is actually rich but enjoys being miserly.
The reality is that while my dad has a "lifetime" job with guaranteed retirement and benefits, DH is in a very risky field and has to plan for his own retirement. Hence we accumulate and invest for our retirement, and budget very carefully, far into the future. They somehow do not understand this! Try not to lose your temper, OP. Just change the subject when they become annoying or abruptly cut off the conversation. They'll get it eventually. I hope. |
Anonymous
+2. And I speak from experience when I say that *not* wanting a fixer-upper is a completely reasonable decision. For 2 people with kids and professional careers I imagine it could very easily be a living nightmare buying a house that needs work. Our house is not even old but it was a short sale and needed a great deal of work and it was rough on our marriage, rough financially, and worst of all sometimes I feel like my house owns me instead of vice-versa. |
Anonymous
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Your story about your parents is contradictory.
You said they were diplomats and never put much thought into where they would be living a year ahead and have no concept of a forever home. Yet you said in the paragraph before that they bought a fixer upper and spent years and money on fixing it up. |