Post-divorce lessons learned

[Anonymous]

Keep going to counseling, OP.

[Anonymous]

When I started dating my now-husband, a good friend of mine commented that this was one of the first relationships where I seemed to be myself. We've been together for 10 years now (married 5) and I still think about this comment and the importance of being able to be who you are with your partner rather than who you think they want you to be.

I also am a firm believer that both people need to be on the same page about having kids. Obviously this isn't a first (or second or third...) date issue, but I don't think folks should get married if one person wants kids and the other person doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man, your having had abuse would be a red flag for me.

as a woman (never in an abusive relationship), you saying something like that to me during a date and it would be the last one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one has any helpful dating advice?

6 moths post-divorce means 2 years out of an abusive relationship.

I was in counseling for 2 years. I'm 30 and hoping to have a family.

Now that everything is out of the way, any helpful suggestions?

are you OP?

the fact is that you did get helpful dating advice (getting to know yourself better, being able to live happily on your own without "needing" a relationship, is good dating advice, especially when you have been in an abusive relationship), and if you did not see it, maybe you should read the posts again. you sound anxious to be be in a relationship and have kids, and this is often a recipe for hurring into the wrong match

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has any helpful dating advice?

6 moths post-divorce means 2 years out of an abusive relationship.

I was in counseling for 2 years. I'm 30 and hoping to have a family.

Now that everything is out of the way, any helpful suggestions?

are you OP?

the fact is that you did get helpful dating advice (getting to know yourself better, being able to live happily on your own without "needing" a relationship, is good dating advice, especially when you have been in an abusive relationship), and if you did not see it, maybe you should read the posts again. you sound anxious to be be in a relationship and have kids, and this is often a recipe for hurring into the wrong match

This is OP. I appreciate the concern, but I am taking care of myself. I don't need a relationship, but I want a family. Again, I was trying to find dating advice.

Thank you to the PPs adding dating advice! Keep it coming.

I'm not in early 20s I feel like dating is different when you are older.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was where you are now. I was in a very bad marriage in my 20s, went through 4 years of therapy trying to save the marriage and through the divorce, and was single again at 31 knowing that I wanted a family. I grew so much through that experience and in therapy worked through so much about my upbringing and choices and behavior.

But still I am realizing now that I let my desire to have a family drive my decisions too much back then. I remarried at 34 a guy who was great on paper- smart, interesting, handsome, successful, wanted a family, seemed emotionally stable- and I went way too fast. We were married 10 months after we met and had 2 kids within the next 2 years. I rationalized away a few things such as lackluster sex and a tendency to carry a balance on his credit cards which have now, 7 years later, landed us in a financial disaster and sexless marriage. I wish I had focused more on trusting myself completely than on beating my biological clock.

So be careful not to jump in too quickly in your desire for a family, and wait for a real, complete love!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was where you are now. I was in a very bad marriage in my 20s, went through 4 years of therapy trying to save the marriage and through the divorce, and was single again at 31 knowing that I wanted a family. I grew so much through that experience and in therapy worked through so much about my upbringing and choices and behavior.

But still I am realizing now that I let my desire to have a family drive my decisions too much back then. I remarried at 34 a guy who was great on paper- smart, interesting, handsome, successful, wanted a family, seemed emotionally stable- and I went way too fast. We were married 10 months after we met and had 2 kids within the next 2 years. I rationalized away a few things such as lackluster sex and a tendency to carry a balance on his credit cards which have now, 7 years later, landed us in a financial disaster and sexless marriage. I wish I had focused more on trusting myself completely than on beating my biological clock.

So be careful not to jump in too quickly in your desire for a family, and wait for a real, complete love!

Thank you for your insight. You are right, I don't want to jump into anything quickly, not a good fit, etc.

I guess I'm trying to figure out how to date smart. For example, I don't want to be with someone who has to be in control financially. Or financially irresponsible. I appreciate men with laid back attitudes, but are passionate about work and interests. Now I also appreciate family dynamics - eg his parents are still together in a loving relationship. I also know that actions speak much louder than words. Does he actually act nice to other people? Does he appreciate his friends or put them down?

Anyway that is just me thinking out loud about distinguishing a good man from my ex.

[Anonymous]

Listen to your gut and realize that while marriage is hard work, relationships, especially early on should have a lot more good than bad. Find someone you don't need to explain away -- oh, he's only like that when he's stressed and boy is he stressed, he's hungry and that's why he talks to me that way, he's this, he's that... It should be fairly straight forward early on -- if it's not, that's a huge red flag.

And me personally, I'd stay away from a guy that sees me as a red flag like that PP. You want someone who thinks you are fantastic and basically couldn't do better than you (even if he could, of course).

Look for someone who is easy to be with. I'm divorced from an emotional and verbal abuser. I run from any relationships that have conflict at this point. If we have it now, it's not going to get better! Current BF is awesome...but man have I kissed a lot of frogs to find him. Just treat dating as it should be -- you're getting to know these guys, you don't owe them anything and they should be trying to woo you (and you are, naturally, putting your best self forward to).

Look for someone positive. My ex was very negative -- thought the world was out to get him, he was entitled, he didn't have close long-term relationships. Look for the warning signs and heed them.

[Anonymous]

I was not in an abusive relationship, but in one that had turned bad, and was divorced at 30. I'm now 38, remarried with two kids and a stepchild and very happy.

Some tips, for what they're worth....

- Definitely spend some time thinking about what YOU can do differently. I thought a lot about how I had contributed to relationship problems, how I had often chosen the wrong people, and really tried to change that.
- Make a very conscious effort to be 100% yourself when you're with a man. That will allow you to figure out if it's a good match or not much more quickly.
- I was lucky in that my first husband was a dad already so I got to see how he was with kids. It made me more confident in my choice of him as a life partner.
- Just generally, I think men who make the best partners are men who are optimistic about life, kind to people in stations both above and below themselves, and open to new ideas and new things.

I'd also say to be open to dating divorced men and men with kids. I think women in their thirties have the toughest time dating -- too many men are married during that decade....men who are still single late into their thirties are single for a reason, and few are already divorced. So I'd be open about dating either younger men or older men who are divorced and may already have kids.