Post-divorce lessons learned

[Anonymous]

I'm 6 months post-divorced (from an abusive relationship) and looking for BTDT advice.

Truly happy now, but also thinking about finding my Mr. Forever.

Obviously having been in an abusive relationship I never want to go there again! I can heed warning signs, but what else do you pay attention to now?

Do talk deal breakers early on? Family priorities? Financial compatibility, etc?

For those of you that are married to well-matched people what critical factors do you think helped you find that person?

[Anonymous]

OP, Good for you for getting out of that abusive marriage and standing on your own. I am sure it was not an easy road to travel, but you have made it and isn't it refreshing to live life again in a normal manner?

Since it has been six months and I am sure the marriage was traumatic and all, I still think it is a little too early for you to be seeking your Mr. Forever. I am not saying you shouldn't date at all, by all means you should. But after what you have endured, I suggest you take things slowly in the love dept. and date around. Meet different men. See what's out there. Get to know them and decide for yourself just exactly what you will and will not accept in a man.

[Anonymous]

OP, what counseling have you done to figure out what drew you to someone who ended up abusing you? Are you in therapy now? If you look back on the relationships you've been in, what are the patterns?

What are the signs that you will look for in the next relationship that it's not right? What will you pay attention to WITHIN yourself to know you're getting into something you shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. You need to be just as aware of warning signs/tendencies within yourself.

Of course the abuse isn't the victim's fault at all. But with some space now between you and your marriage, you need to be thinking hard (with a therapist) about what made you stay after the first assault, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Good for you for getting out of that abusive marriage and standing on your own. I am sure it was not an easy road to travel, but you have made it and isn't it refreshing to live life again in a normal manner?

Since it has been six months and I am sure the marriage was traumatic and all, I still think it is a little too early for you to be seeking your Mr. Forever. I am not saying you shouldn't date at all, by all means you should. But after what you have endured, I suggest you take things slowly in the love dept. and date around. Meet different men. See what's out there. Get to know them and decide for yourself just exactly what you will and will not accept in a man.

I am not an expert, but I have seen people leaving an abusive relationship just to fall into the next one. the pattern I see is often the need to find a new relationship soon after the bad one has ended. the fact that after six months you think you are ready for Mr. Forever does not look good. If I were you, I would do some counseling and try to understand what made me fall for the first guy (I am not saying it was your fault at all, but often there are reasons why a woman ends up in an abusive relationship and if that women does not understand them she may just repeat the mistake). so the first thing you should try to understand is not how to "screen" men to see if they are Mr. Right, but if there is anything in your behavior that attracted an abuser and anything in your mind that made you somehow end up in an abusive relationship. also, living by yourself for a while and feeling happy and "whole" without Mr. Forever would probably make you less likely to settle for anybody who is not a great guy.

good luck and congratulations for finding the strength and courage to leave the abuser!

[Anonymous]

No one has any helpful dating advice?

6 moths post-divorce means 2 years out of an abusive relationship.

I was in counseling for 2 years. I'm 30 and hoping to have a family.

Now that everything is out of the way, any helpful suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I spent years of my life trying to please my ex's family. It was a total waste of time. I won't repeat that mistake.

[Anonymous]

1) prenup
2) pre marital counseling
3) consider shaking up or just dating forever - marriage isn't really about romance, but many other mundane activities that can wear a couple down. Isn't nice to have your own space? Do what you want, when you want? Be messy or neat or not shower if you don't feel like it? Get all dressed up and ready for date night and have passionate sex.... then go home and look forward to the next time?

I think marriage is great for raising children. For personal fulfillment of BOTH parties.... I am not convinced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) prenup
2) pre marital counseling
3) consider shaking up or just dating forever - marriage isn't really about romance, but many other mundane activities that can wear a couple down. Isn't nice to have your own space? Do what you want, when you want? Be messy or neat or not shower if you don't feel like it? Get all dressed up and ready for date night and have passionate sex.... then go home and look forward to the next time?

I think marriage is great for raising children. For personal fulfillment of BOTH parties.... I am not convinced.

Damn that is depressing.

I grew up in a loving household, so your version of constantly dating doesn't sound great at all to me. To each his or her own, but I would love a healthy family life.

[Anonymous]

Lessons learned: trust your gut in new relationships. You don't to rationalize anything or explain yourself, If a relationship is not working, just get out.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Not in an abusive relationship per se but married too young (I was 23 he was 30); we lasted seven years but I knew within a year it wouldn't work.

OP good for you to know it wasn't right for you... please take some time to get to know yourself and be independent.

I married at 23, divorced at 30 and remarried at 35; didn't have kids until I was over 40; been married nine years so far and have two little ones.

It can be done... but you have to take the time to know yourself first, IMO.

Good luck! ; )

[Anonymous]

As a man, your having had abuse would be a red flag for me.

[Anonymous]

Echo the sentiment of the PPs. You need to find out what you brought to the table - you were part if that relationship.


With that, I would check out this guy that writes a ton about narcissists. He is spot on.

http://samvak.tripod.com


I've been fooled by the best narcissist out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man, your having had abuse would be a red flag for me.

Ok. Not really news to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man, your having had abuse would be a red flag for me.

What, so it was her fault or something? Sounds like she'd be lucky to escape you if you were to reject her.