If you dated an emotionally distant person

[Anonymous]

OP again. He was a victim of domestic violence. Thus the usual baggage of divorce is severely compounded here.....

[Anonymous]

OP - if you had a daughter in your situation, what would you say to her?

[Anonymous]

I would tell her that if he's worth it, to be patient as long as she was comfortable, but be prepared to walk away....

[Anonymous]

The problem is that he is getting used to treating you the way he is treating you right now. He is not going to start treating you better when he feels better. He is setting the emotional thermostat of your relationship and it's not going to go up.

[Anonymous]

I think you are trying to rescue and fix this man. Let him heal and re-build his life. He needs to figure out who he is and what he needs from himself. Stop crowding him.

If you really care about him, you'll walk away and let him grow on his own. There is no way he is in a place for a committed relationship right now.

[Anonymous]

So what would you say to a man in this situation when you let him know you are letting it go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what would you say to a man in this situation when you let him know you are letting it go?

It's over.

[Anonymous]

"So what would you say to a man in this situation when you let him know you are letting it go?"

Exactly what 5:49 said - that you're letting him go to let him grow, because he's in no place for a relationship right now.

He's in therapy, right????

[Anonymous]

If he's in therapy, to me that would say he recognizes he's got "issues" and is working on them.

My ex comes from a messed up family and did nothing to figure out why he wound up as he did -- I call it emotionally vacant. Unless the emotion is anger, he's got that in spades.

Anyway, had he gotten into therapy as I did when we divorced, it would have helped us. He refused to work on himself. We're years down the road and he's in a relationship now. But I have no idea if he got help in the meantime or if she's going to be me 10 years from now.

It is not fun being with an emotionally crippled man. And I can tell you from my personal experience and having dated a lot since my divorce -- it takes most men a long time to "get over" a divorce. You don't want to be his transitional relationship (understanding, supportive, there when he needs you, but then he comes out of the fog of divorce and you are not what he wants -- time wasted!).

[Anonymous]

Thanks PPs. The old me WOULD run because I don't usually tolerate any crap. But I really like this guy and I know he's still reeling. I am trying to be patient and loving instead of my usual hard as self. My usual mantra is "love me or leave me".

I also understand that this may not go anywhere, and that I shouldn't plan on spending the rest of my life with this guy at this point, or any time soon. I just wanted to know if someone out there would say, "yeah, when I met my DH he was an emotional wreck.... after 6 months he finally started to trust me.... here we are 15 years later, blissfully married...." [b]

I can dream

I'm married to a somewhat emotionally distant man, in that his first response to stress is to withdraw into himself. He shows his love more with action and touch than with words. I wouldn't trade him for the world, but this is definitely the biggest challenge in our relationship. For him a least, it's not a trust thing, it's a personality thing. You would be best to decide if you can live with him the way he is, and if the answer is no, move on - chances are he won't change, and if he does, the change will not be dramatic. I am happily married, but I have had to consciously accept that this is the way my husband is, and remind myself that I chose him in spite of that. For his part, he has made a concerted effort to open up more to me, which I really appreciate, although I'm still left feeling lonely at times.

[Anonymous]

I'm emotionally distant when under too much stress. The last year and a half has been one very bad loss after another. If I were coupled, it probably would have cost me a relationship by now. I think it has already cost me some friendships.

When I'm not under this kind of stress, being emotionally available takes some effort. It's not my nature to be emotionally open. I'm sure my exes that were needy considered me not emotional enough.

I agree with the PP who said any changes after healing from the divorce are probably not going to be dramatic. It's a bad idea to enter a relationship with someone you feel like you need to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. He was a victim of domestic violence. Thus the usual baggage of divorce is severely compounded here.....

RED FLAG.

Run now.

Do a background check. Odds are he is the abuser.

--signed abuse survivor whose convicted spouse claims he was the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Run, girl, run! And don't look back.

seriously! Run and never look back. Take it from someone who is married to one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. He was a victim of domestic violence. Thus the usual baggage of divorce is severely compounded here.....

RED FLAG.

Run now.

Do a background check. Odds are he is the abuser.

--signed abuse survivor whose convicted spouse claims he was the victim.

Actually I am pretty sure in this case. Can't say why.

[Anonymous]

My husband is great, emotionally. Now. He says that in a past relationship he would "shut down" emotionally when he had things going on (sick parent for instance) and that it ruined his relationship. So he is cognizent of this tendency and goes out of his way to overcome it.