I reported my mother to Adult Protective Services

[Anonymous]

At some point, you begin to look upon your parents as if they were small children, illogical and dependent. You have to be there for them, even they hate it, don't look cute and will only need more diapers.

This is when you truly "lose" your parents.

And yet you do it all with the best grace you can muster because you are showing your children the way to treat the elderly with respect and love (specifically, the future you).

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At some point, you begin to look upon your parents as if they were small children, illogical and dependent. You have to be there for them, even they hate it, don't look cute and will only need more diapers.

This is when you truly "lose" your parents.

And yet you do it all with the best grace you can muster because you are showing your children the way to treat the elderly with respect and love (specifically, the future you).

I will put a bullet through my head rather than allow myself to be as much of a burden on my kids as my parents have been to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point, you begin to look upon your parents as if they were small children, illogical and dependent. You have to be there for them, even they hate it, don't look cute and will only need more diapers.

This is when you truly "lose" your parents.

And yet you do it all with the best grace you can muster because you are showing your children the way to treat the elderly with respect and love (specifically, the future you).

I will put a bullet through my head rather than allow myself to be as much of a burden on my kids as my parents have been to me.

Same here except it's my in-laws. My DH feels honor bound and guilty for not helping them live the life they want. As a result, it nearly ruined our marriage. I had to give an ultimatum that his father had to go to a nursing home or we'd have to divorce. I couldn't continue to live the way we were and it was unfair to our kids.

And, FWIW, I have lost immediate family to suicide so I don't say this lightly. There are worse things than death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At some point, you begin to look upon your parents as if they were small children, illogical and dependent. You have to be there for them, even they hate it, don't look cute and will only need more diapers.

This is when you truly "lose" your parents.

And yet you do it all with the best grace you can muster because you are showing your children the way to treat the elderly with respect and love (specifically, the future you).

Very nice post. Thank you. I'm in the midst of this.

[Anonymous]

OP back - APS went out apparently in the last day or so - I got an angry text from my aunt. I haven't responded or talked to them since I'm at work. I will update you all when I do.

Your kind words mean a lot. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP! In all of this, at the end of the day, the most important person for you to take care of is YOU, and not your mother. Don't lose yourself in her issues (but dertainly try to get her help and just see). Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back - APS went out apparently in the last day or so - I got an angry text from my aunt. I haven't responded or talked to them since I'm at work. I will update you all when I do.

Your kind words mean a lot. Thank you.

OP, keep updating. Don't know you but know others in this situation and it's painful.

The fact that Aunt sent an "angry" text indicates she is not on board with involving outsiders. Not sure if Aunt maybe lives with your mother or "looks after" her at times to the best of her ability, or if your mother just vented to your aunt, but if you can get your aunt to see that outside help is needed that could help convince your mom too. But you have to proceed no matter what -- your mom needs professional help of so many kinds. As others note, consider getting yourself an attorney who is experienced in helping relatives get powers of attorney in cases like this one. A court may need to declare your mother incompetent to care for herself, which is sad but probably necessary for you to help her against her will.

OP, be prepared; steel yourself for some relatives or old friends of your mother's to lash out at you (or talk about you behind your back), saying you are a terrible child or are out to get hold of mom's house or mom's assets. Unfortunately I've seen this happen too -- accusations and anger against the person who dares to reach out and involve social services, or who works to get someone into nursing home care. You have to be strong and prepared for that kind of thing. I truly hope it doesn't happen to you but it's best to ready yourself for it anyway -- and if it never comes, how wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update,OP. Sending positive thoughts your way.

[Anonymous]

OP again - Here is the update - They would not let the social worker in, but my mother may be somewhat compliant. She has severe health problems and hasn't been to the doctor in at least 8 months. So she said she is going. I don't know how though, as far as I know she is not mobile and not able to get down the stairs. I suppose the social worker will further intervene if she does not start doing things to get better.

She said she felt invaded and scared, which I understand. There is a history of child protective services intervention in our family... But I told her we are fighting for her life and please see that we are trying to help her have a better life. I know it will take some time to settle in, but it might. I don't know. I told her we are not going to let her give up.

I am trying to take it one thing at a time. But there are so many things. Benefits, health, and housing being the main ones.

So they are hooked in and the social worker is going to keep coming back. We are moving forward I guess. That's all I can hope for. My brother and I discussed conservatorship or at least being a representative payee, that is surely down the road at some point if she lives much longer. It also falls on him because I don't live in the area, which is not the best.

My aunt (her supposed caretaker) is angry - and bitched out my cousin, who agreed with me on the report. I really, really don't care and I won't talk to her.

Thanks for reading, this helps a lot. I haven't been talking to anyone about it.

[Anonymous]

One more thing - Apparently the social worker will come every 2 weeks....

[Anonymous]

Good news, OP. I know it's hard but you've done the right thing. Let the social worker force the issue.

[Anonymous]

Aww...How sad. I know this must not be easy for you to do.

Sending out good vibes your way OP.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I just logged onto this site and came across your situation. So, it's been a while and I'm curious as to how things are going, ie, you, your Mom's health, social services, APS, the guardianship, etc.
I've been taking care of my Mom for the last 3.5 years. Without going into too much detail, I find myself in a much too similar situation. Again, just curious how things worked out, are working out, or working out at all.
Thank you for sharing your story and for being a pillar of strength for those in similar situations.
Much Regard to you!

[Anonymous]

PP, I am in similar circumstances. Missed this thread when first posted. Would love if OP and others posted again on their situations. There really is no guide for how to approach and no one around me understands (their family lives seem so perfect), so I don't discuss. So hard when lack of money meets poor mental health - no easy formula on how to move ahead.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Love and empathy for all the fellow children of hoarders. I was finally able to get my mom to an assisted living facilit two years ago next month. It changed my life so much to have this burden lift...I have since, at 42 now, gotten married and had a baby. I could never have done that with the unrelenting pressure of my mother's hoarding and ill health on me.

Sadly, it came at a terrible price. It took my brother's death by suicide to wake my mother out of her selfish, sick spirals and let us move her. My brother owned the house where she lived, and though his death was from his bipolar disorder, the pressure of trying to help her was, while not the cause of his death, certainly a contributing factor to the misery of his daily life until his death. I don't blame her for his death, but I blame her for how cruelly she rebuffed his goodness and concern for her.

In assisted living, she still has the same hoarding tendencies, but they don't put up with it. They clean out her room once a month with her. She's actually never been so happy. In many ways, neither have I. I just wish my brother survived to see this.