I reported my mother to Adult Protective Services

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Love and empathy for all the fellow children of hoarders. I was finally able to get my mom to an assisted living facilit two years ago next month. It changed my life so much to have this burden lift...I have since, at 42 now, gotten married and had a baby. I could never have done that with the unrelenting pressure of my mother's hoarding and ill health on me.

Sadly, it came at a terrible price. It took my brother's death by suicide to wake my mother out of her selfish, sick spirals and let us move her. My brother owned the house where she lived, and though his death was from his bipolar disorder, the pressure of trying to help her was, while not the cause of his death, certainly a contributing factor to the misery of his daily life until his death. I don't blame her for his death, but I blame her for how cruelly she rebuffed his goodness and concern for her.

In assisted living, she still has the same hoarding tendencies, but they don't put up with it. They clean out her room once a month with her. She's actually never been so happy. In many ways, neither have I. I just wish my brother survived to see this.

This is sad and touching. Thank you for sharing this story. I hope your family is finding some peace now.

[Anonymous]

TP here: Thank you for making your posts - Yes, I too wish there was a guide for how to approach the situation of ailing parents, of what to do, how to do it, etc.
Just a heads up, I moved into my Mom's place about 4 years ago to take care of her. Now, she is at the point of needing professional help, medical help for which I am not qualified -
I'm simply confused & torn between emotions, logical & illogical of course. It has taken (still does at times) to admit to myself I've done my best for the last 4 yrs. My health, relationships, job & finances have plummeted due to the stress, etc.
As I remove my emotions & try to look at it objectively, I know the best is to have her placed.
She has had ample opportunity to use all the resources, but she has simply refused/refuses all help. She won't take her meds about 85% of the time, won't let me assist with her insulin any longer, cancelled doc's apt, home-health care, refused to go to the hospital, etc. And, at times (allot actually, I feel she's taking advantage of the situation, of me).
I can just say that I've tried my best - It's like that cliche', you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I've finally come to realize that....(although I still try - that 'guilt' thing, I imagine).

I know what will happen. Since she will not declare a POA & continues her self-neglect (I say that with caution because she is capable on many levels, but simply will not help herself), APS will come in, the courts will take over, relocate her and use her home and personal assets to pay for her care. And yes PP, when lack of money meets poor mental/physical health, there is no easy formula....
I know it would be the best for her to be placed into a home where she'll get the care needed. It does, however, breaks my heart to look around her home & think of all that she will lose, all of her possessions, etc.
This will be the case. With all due respect, as much as I would love for her to stay in her own home, she simply can't. I've been told by APS, as long as I live with her, being declared as her caretaker, there is nothing they can do. So, I need to move out (knowing that will be for the best for both my Mom & I)

I'm sorry to ramble, I just don't talk about this much. Obviously there is much to say, much to feel on this situation. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hey NP, I'm sorry to hear about your Brother. I'm happy to know your are now thriving, and with your own family nonetheless. Congrats!


Thanks again for your posts.

[Anonymous]

NP, I wish you well. Thank you for your thoughts, for sharing

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing OP. Family denial is part of the disease. Hug to you.

[Anonymous]

We are confronting a crisis point with a hoarder in our family too. He is of sound mind, other than the hoarding, so it will be the Health Department rather than Adult Protective Services that gets involved at this point.

Years and years this has gone on, but it's to the point that it can't any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At some point, you begin to look upon your parents as if they were small children, illogical and dependent. You have to be there for them, even they hate it, don't look cute and will only need more diapers.

This is when you truly "lose" your parents.

And yet you do it all with the best grace you can muster because you are showing your children the way to treat the elderly with respect and love (specifically, the future you).

beautifully said.