I'm starting to resent my ill husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I have talked about this to him before. I don't think he gives a shit to be honest with you. I've told him that I don't have time to clean up after him and he promises to do it. He never does. We have had the same argument over and over.
The only thing I feel would work at this point is leaving him.

OP I can't believe how many people are saying "just leave him." There is a little thing called wedding vows, "in sickness and in health," which obviously doesn't mean anything to many posters here, but I'm glad it does to you. I think you and he need to give this a lot more work before throwing in the towel, especially since you say you still love him.

You say he doesn't give a shit about his mess. What he has to be made to understand is that it doesn't matter if HE doesn't give a shit.. you do, and he owes you the courtesy of working with you on this. His sickness is no excuse. It's just as easy to put dirty dishes in the sink or dishwasher as it is to stack them on the counter.

I think you need counseling on this one, if possible, but if not, he has got to be made to understand what a big deal this is to you. (It would be to me, too, by the way.) You may need to spell it out for him exactly what you need for him to do each day, rather than just say "don't be so messy."

[Anonymous]

OP, these are valid reasons for you to be upset. Don't feel guilty getting angry at your husband just because he has an illness. That most certainly does not give him a "free pass" to be an inconsiderate slob.

Talk to him and let him know that it is too much of a strain for you to have to pick up after him all the time. Tell him w/working and doing the majority of the housework already, it is really breaking you having to personally clean up after him time and time again.

I think he is milking his illness and using it as an excuse to be lazy.

Hopefully he will change his ways.

Be firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I have talked about this to him before. I don't think he gives a shit to be honest with you. I've told him that I don't have time to clean up after him and he promises to do it. He never does. We have had the same argument over and over.
The only thing I feel would work at this point is leaving him.

You need to tell him this.
You are overburdened. You are burning out.
You don't feel like he's made good on his promises to be cleaner. You feel like he doesn't give a shit.
This makes you angry and resentful/
See how he responds.

If you do this a few times and see no improvement, tell him that things are so bad you are considering divorce. Ask him to go to counseling with you to find a solution and save your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Is it his illness keeping him from being able to manage basic household tasks? If not then he is being disrespectful by not doing what he can to support you, knowing you put in extra work to balance what he can't do.

Is the not giving a shit part of depression? If not then again he is being disrespectful by not caring about how he makes you feel.

[Anonymous]

PP who mentions depression may be on to something. OP, my DH is similar to yours, except he doesn't have chronic illness as an excuse. I am pretty sure, however, that he's depressed. After a year of inner turmoil and some therapy I've decided to try to make it work, which means finding a way to live with his behavior since he absolutely isn't going to change. On the negative side, my house is a chronic disaster. On the positive side, DH doesn't give a crap so the only person who is riding me to keep it clean is myself. I refuse to feel guilty anymore on nights like this when I decide to go to bed without a spotless house.

[Anonymous]

I think the illness and the sloppiness are unrelated. He is capable of doing basic cleaning, correct? Then this is the classic fight about chores scenario. Congrats, you are normal.

I do believe in marriage vows and wouldn't recommend leaving him. You have to find a way to make this work for you. If he's sitting on the couch, bring him a load of laundry to fold. Or vegetables to chop. If he's leaving dishes or clutter all over the house, get him a plastic bin and say, "since the sink is too hard, this is where you'll put things".

(seriously, the bin idea worked for my brother and his wife. She would leave purses and shoes all over the house and it drove him nuts.)

Start with baby steps. Let him know why you are making changes. That you feel tired and overworked. I don't think it's enough to tell him how you feel, you need solutions ready. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Make him get checked out for depression. I have chronic pain and it honestly burns me out too, it's just less obvious than 70 hour workweeks.

I'd bet he's depressed. He will give a shit when he knows it is important to you and he can bring himself to have the energy to do it (i.e. get out of the depression).

[Anonymous]

It's easy for someone to say "stay married' if they don't have to put up with the PITA husband or wife.

Conversely, raising kids is hard with a semi-involved partner, but it won't get easier.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, he is totally taking advantage of you. I am curious though, with no kids and both of you working, why not a cleaning person? I would give him an ultimatum clean his mess or I am out. You are working two jobs and he pulls this crp?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like sickle cell/ thalassemia. He's probably dueling with depression too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like sickle cell/ thalassemia. He's probably dueling with depression too.

It's Hemochromatosis. It's completely manageable but he went undiagnosed for years. He has organ damage now.
I love my husband and I do not want to leave him.
I'm just exhausted all the time. We can't afford a house cleaner as we are in mega debt from medical bills.
I'm going to have another "talk" with him. Maybe if I can get him to see how tired I am, he'll do the few things I ask.

[Anonymous]

OP again. He is absolutely depressed. I have asked him soapy times to seek counseling but he refuses every single time. I'm going to ask him to accompany me to my appointment with my counselor for "me." Maybe he can talk some sense into DH. It's hard to carry all of this on my own. I'm just so scared and worried about him. I can't do anything to help him.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry op.
Since you don't have kids, could you sell the house and move to a one bedroom? Assuming you aren't underwater, you could pay off some bills, plus it isn't as much work to clean a one bedroom.

[Anonymous]

*several, not soapy.

[Anonymous]

Are you considering/hoping to have children? If so, you need to understand that that you're home obligations will more than double, so if you're having a hard time keeping your head above water now, without children, it won't be a possiblity with them...at least if things remain the same. So, if you can't have kids with this man because you don't physically have the time and energy and kids is a goal of yours, you need to think about divorce.

Sounds crazy and probably financially unfeasible, but marriages come in every kind of form...could you suggest staying married but living seperately--either make it a formal serparation (as a precursor to divorce) or say "I love you, but I can't take this, so I'd like to give our marriage a chance by living seperately but remaining married and committed?"

Force him to manage his own household--including cleaning, cooking and laundary and eitehr he'll step up or spiral into complete filth.