Doing favours for your partner's family.

[Anonymous]

How old is the brother?

[Anonymous]

Get out while you still can.

[Anonymous]

Based on your post, brother would be 21 so why isn't he driving yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on your post, brother would be 21 so why isn't he driving yet?

He's 21. The not driving is another issue related to his mental health. He lives at home, doesn't go to school, doesn't work, doesn't help around the house - he lives a very sad sort of life. I don't get involved because it's not really my place nor my issue, but rest assured my boyfriend and I both keep ourselves at a distance as much as we can.

The brother refuses to get help or advocate for himself, as do his parents.

[Anonymous]

Ruuuuuuuuuuuunnn, young lady.

Flares. Sirens. Red Flags. Everywhere!!! Run.

Run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family, doing what you are being asked to do is common and no one would think of asking for gas money. We just figure it's what families do. Having lived like this, I can't imagine saying no,

OP here - and this is part of why I'm conflicted. I will likely be this family's daughter in law and they are very kind to me, so I do not want to act like they don't deserve my favors. But.. We're not family yet. I've spent time with his parents and brother maybe 5 or 6 times... And most of those were to drive brother around. I just don't want to set a precedent.

You are 20 yrs old, have been dating this guy for almost a year and think you are getting married??!! So is that why you don't want to rock the boat?
Sorry miss, you are being used and will resent your BF and his family in no time. The brother is getting a free taxi service from all, and no gas money ever appears?
And no 25 yr old dates a 20 yr old unless he wants to mold her - the difference in life experiences and maturity is too wide. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you feel comfortable sitting alone in the car with that odd ball?
Also, think about genetics here wrt mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Based on your post, brother would be 21 so why isn't he driving yet?

He's 21. The not driving is another issue related to his mental health. He lives at home, doesn't go to school, doesn't work, doesn't help around the house - he lives a very sad sort of life. I don't get involved because it's not really my place nor my issue, but rest assured my boyfriend and I both keep ourselves at a distance as much as we can.

The brother refuses to get help or advocate for himself, as do his parents.

He lives on EASY STREET! He is too sick to work or help out at home, but not too sick to play sports several times a week? Crazy like a fox! If he's so into athletics, he can get himself a bike and ride to his sports.

[Anonymous]

Say yes then call him a taxi.

But seriously, there is a national mental health hotline. You didn't say anything about treatment, so I assume he's not seeing a doctor? You could call and ask how to bring up the subject to your boyfriend and his brother. The guy is crippled by his anxiety. He can't live a normal life.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have a problem doing this. Everyone needs help sometimes. OP you will too. You've only seen them 5 or 6 times and you're 3rd or 4th down the line for asking so it's not like it's happened a lot. That being said, if you don't want to, or can't, then don't.

[Anonymous]

When you guys move then parents will not have your boyfriend or you to help anymore. They will have to say no to the brother. The brother will get pissed at parents. He will want to move in with you. You will have to live with the brother. I can pretty much guarantee that unless the parents never tell him no or piss him off.

How does the brother get to work if he won't drive or take public transportation? Is the brother in therapy or on meds?

You are young and probably should get out of this relationship now before more time is invested.

[Anonymous]

PP here- just read that he doesn't work or go to school. You will def be living with and supporting the brother. Some people don't have a problem with this and some people do. You need to figure out how you feel about it.

[Anonymous]

My take on this - if you have bus anxiety, you find hobbies close to where you live. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What will happen when the parents die?

I totally get anxiety and depression and phobias. But it seems like not being able to take public transit or drive makes this guy completely dependent on other people.

It sounds like his family has been enabling him. He needs to work with a professional or get medication in order to at least overcome the public transit issue so he can function. Otherwise, when his parents die, he is going to have a rough time.

And it sounds like your partner will inherit the responsibility.

Have you discussed this with your partner?

His family absolutely enables him. His parents also do too much for my boyfriend as well. However, they had a very troubled childhood because of their father, and I can tell their mother does so much for them to try to assuage her guilt. I know this is a problem and it is something we talk about on an ongoing basis. My boyfriend is well aware that I refuse to support his brother the way his parents do.

Because of his career, if/when we get married, we will most likely have to move across the country within the next 5 years, so I am not too worried about his brother moving in with us or anything. At this point, we're young (I'm 20, bf is 25), so hopefully parents dying/brother becoming our repsonsibility is quite a ways off!

If the brother has no job and doesn't go to school, there's no reason why he couldn't move across the country with you. And while the parents may live for a long time, that still doesn't mean they won't try to get your boyfriend to take responsibility for the brother (for any number of reasons).

And in fact, asking you to help out is likely the beginning of shifting some of the responsibility onto you.

If I were you, I would set clear boundaries now, not just with BF's family, but with BF as well. I would make it very clear that if we are going to have a future together, I do not want to be responsible for the brother and that the BF will have to wind down his help for the brother in order to focus on your emerging family.

And if I didn't get a clear response from the BF that he's on the same page, I would give up the idea of marrying him.

I'm not cruel. I'm all for helping people who need help. But the brother is young, and it doesn't sound like he is doing anything to try to better his situation. Mental illness is real and can be very difficult to live with, but I'm of the opinion that in most instances, especially with medication, people with mental illness are still able to work, at least part time in a low-stress job. If he's mentally able to play team sports, then he's mentally able to work. period.

You are young, and I think at that age, it is hard to recognize red flags. The fact that your BF already does what he does for his brother (when it is clearly in the enabling category as opposed to the helping category) is a huge red flag. Your BF may tell you he plans on moving far away or whatever, but in reality, I doubt he has any plans on reducing the amount of stuff he does for his brother.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP above. I will add that in most marriages I know where there is trouble/tension, at least part of it has to do with inlaws.

So it is very, very important when deciding whether to marry someone to take a good hard look at the inlaws and the relationship your potential spouse has with them.

I think you are downplaying the role these people will play in your future.