Doing favours for your partner's family.

[Anonymous]

I'm feeling guilty about something and could use some input. My boyfriend of almost a year's younger brother (who is actually a year older than me) struggles with depression and anxiety. One way his anxiety manifests itself is that he is afraid to take the bus. I have anxiety too, not judging, whatever.

However, the brother relies on his parents (still lives at home) to drive him to a sports practice 2-3x a week since he does not drive either. When they are unavailable, the duty falls to my boyfriend. When he's unavailable, the brother often asks the boyfriend to ask me if I will do it. Now, I don't mind doing favours, but the brother lives about 15 minutes away from where we live, and then it's another 15 minutes to drive him to the practice, and then another 15 back to my apartment. 2.5 hours later, I have to pick him up at practice and drop him at home (and those times are in minimal traffic - it's at least doubled during rush hour). I HATE doing this - my boyfriend's brother is nice enough but it's inconvenient, my car is a piece of shit, and it takes a lot of gas. There have been promises of gas money before, but I've never actually received any.

Just to clarify, my boyfriend understands if I say no, but still asks me to do it when he can't.

So... am I justified in saying no to doing this? I just got asked to do it this evening and I said no - I'm tired, I had a long week, I want to relax before my birthday tomorrow ( ). But, I feel like I'm letting everyone in my boyfriend's family down when I say no.

[Anonymous]

Yes you are. Of course. Though you should really talk about this at some length.

[Anonymous]

"So... am I justified in saying no to doing this?" Yes, and get the gas money upfront. No more doormat stuff.

If you marry this guy, be prepared for a lifetime of requests to do favors. Including the brother living with you. Are you up for that?

[Anonymous]

In my family, doing what you are being asked to do is common and no one would think of asking for gas money. We just figure it's what families do. Having lived like this, I can't imagine saying no,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, doing what you are being asked to do is common and no one would think of asking for gas money. We just figure it's what families do. Having lived like this, I can't imagine saying no,

Doormat Family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, doing what you are being asked to do is common and no one would think of asking for gas money. We just figure it's what families do. Having lived like this, I can't imagine saying no,

OP here - and this is part of why I'm conflicted. I will likely be this family's daughter in law and they are very kind to me, so I do not want to act like they don't deserve my favors. But.. We're not family yet. I've spent time with his parents and brother maybe 5 or 6 times... And most of those were to drive brother around. I just don't want to set a precedent.

[Anonymous]

Whaaaaa?
Why should you be your boyfriend's brother's driver??
Their babying him is enabling his anxiety to spiral. He needs to confron his fear. You are not a damn taxi service. Nw, if the brother was disabled, or of his elderly parent occasionally needed a ride to the doctor, that would be nice of you. But no way in hell should you have to drive his healthy Arles bodied brother to a sports practice because he is afraid of the bus!

[Anonymous]

What will happen when the parents die?

I totally get anxiety and depression and phobias. But it seems like not being able to take public transit or drive makes this guy completely dependent on other people.

It sounds like his family has been enabling him. He needs to work with a professional or get medication in order to at least overcome the public transit issue so he can function. Otherwise, when his parents die, he is going to have a rough time.

And it sounds like your partner will inherit the responsibility.

Have you discussed this with your partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What will happen when the parents die?

I totally get anxiety and depression and phobias. But it seems like not being able to take public transit or drive makes this guy completely dependent on other people.

It sounds like his family has been enabling him. He needs to work with a professional or get medication in order to at least overcome the public transit issue so he can function. Otherwise, when his parents die, he is going to have a rough time.

And it sounds like your partner will inherit the responsibility.

Have you discussed this with your partner?

His family absolutely enables him. His parents also do too much for my boyfriend as well. However, they had a very troubled childhood because of their father, and I can tell their mother does so much for them to try to assuage her guilt. I know this is a problem and it is something we talk about on an ongoing basis. My boyfriend is well aware that I refuse to support his brother the way his parents do.

Because of his career, if/when we get married, we will most likely have to move across the country within the next 5 years, so I am not too worried about his brother moving in with us or anything. At this point, we're young (I'm 20, bf is 25), so hopefully parents dying/brother becoming our repsonsibility is quite a ways off!

[Anonymous]

I would never do that for my BIL. Take them to a Dr.'s appt every once in a while - maybe. But giving up evenings for his regular sports practice - no way. Absolutely think your partner's family is enabling the BIL and would discuss with your partner.

[Anonymous]

Ummm....why is your boyfriends brothers sports practice more important than your time? He needs to get over it or only go to stuff he can walk to.

The reason your boyfriend is dating you even though you are way too young for him is that no woman twenty five or older would it up with this bullshit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummm....why is your boyfriends brothers sports practice more important than your time? He needs to get over it or only go to stuff he can walk to.

The reason your boyfriend is dating you even though you are way too young for him is that no woman twenty five or older would it up with this bullshit!

This is rude. I'm not too young for him, and clearly I'm not putting up with this bullshit. I'm asking if I am justified in continuing to say no after deciding that enough was enough. I'm not sure how that in any way implies I am putting up with anything...

[Anonymous]

Why can't he get a ride from someone on the team who lives nearby him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he get a ride from someone on the team who lives nearby him?

this is what I was wondering. And the pp who said an older woman wouldn't put up with this nonsense is right. I know it's hard to understand at 20 that your view of the world will be vastly different when you're 25, 30, 40 and beyond but trust me on this. They're taking advantage of you because of your age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummm....why is your boyfriends brothers sports practice more important than your time? He needs to get over it or only go to stuff he can walk to.

The reason your boyfriend is dating you even though you are way too young for him is that no woman twenty five or older would it up with this bullshit!

Or ride a bike or motor scooter to. That is, until he learns to drive. And as for your age, yeah, they are taking way advantage of you when you are just a GF of their son/brother.