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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What will happen when the parents die?

I totally get anxiety and depression and phobias.  But it seems like not being able to take public transit or drive makes this guy completely dependent on other people.

It sounds like his family has been enabling him.  He needs to work with a professional or get medication in order to at least overcome the public transit issue so he can function.  Otherwise, when his parents die, he is going to have a rough time.

And it sounds like your partner will inherit the responsibility.

Have you discussed this with your partner?  [/quote]

His family absolutely enables him. His parents also do too much for my boyfriend as well. However, they had a very troubled childhood because of their father, and I can tell their mother does so much for them to try to assuage her guilt. I know this is a problem and it is something we talk about on an ongoing basis. My boyfriend is well aware that I refuse to support his brother the way his parents do.

[b]Because of his career, if/when we get married, we will most likely have to move across the country within the next 5 years, so I am not too worried about his brother moving in with us or anything. At this point, we're young (I'm 20, bf is 25), so hopefully parents dying/brother becoming our repsonsibility is quite a ways off![/b][/quote]

If the brother has no job and doesn't go to school, there's no reason why he couldn't move across the country with you.  And while the parents may live for a long time, that still doesn't mean they won't try to get your boyfriend to take responsibility for the brother (for any number of reasons).

And in fact, asking you to help out is likely the beginning of shifting some of the responsibility onto you.

If I were you, I would set clear boundaries now, not just with BF's family, but with BF as well.  I would make it very clear that if we are going to have a future together, I do not want to be responsible for the brother and that the BF will have to wind down his help for the brother in order to focus on your emerging family.

And if I didn't get a clear response from the BF that he's on the same page, I would give up the idea of marrying him.

I'm not cruel.  I'm all for helping people who need help.  But the brother is young, and it doesn't sound like he is doing anything to try to better his situation.  Mental illness is real and can be very difficult to live with, but I'm of the opinion that in most instances, especially with medication, people with mental illness are still able to work, at least part time in a low-stress job.  If he's mentally able to play team sports, then he's mentally able to work.  period.

You are young, and I think at that age, it is hard to recognize red flags.  The fact that your BF already does what he does for his brother (when it is clearly in the enabling category as opposed to the helping category) is a huge red flag.  Your BF may tell you he plans on moving far away or whatever, but in reality, I doubt he has any plans on reducing the amount of stuff he does for his brother.

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