How would you handle sis foisting kids on others?

[Anonymous]

OP again. Some very perceptive points raised by pps. There is definitely a tendency in my family to be "doormats" and not speak up when another relative has done something wrong and shun people when they do speak up.
I've long been the black sheep for speaking up when such things happen like a sis using my car for months and not paying a single car note as promised. I was the bad guy when I wanted to take the car back...but I digress.
I guess in the interest of not rocking the boat I let the sis with the three kids get away with inappropriate behavior.
But you are all right, this needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Some very perceptive points raised by pps. There is definitely a tendency in my family to be "doormats" and not speak up when another relative has done something wrong and shun people when they do speak up.
I've long been the black sheep for speaking up when such things happen like a sis using my car for months and not paying a single car note as promised. I was the bad guy when I wanted to take the car back...but I digress.
I guess in the interest of not rocking the boat I let the sis with the three kids get away with inappropriate behavior.
But you are all right, this needs to be addressed.

OP, while I do understand the approach of "talk to her only about your own issue and don't dredge up other stuff" -- I would consider another approach of doing some kind of group talk -- well, call it an "intervention" for her problem with dumping her kids on others. (Do not bring up the incident with your mom's party and the gaggle of girls; that seems like a separate though equally thoughtless issue on her part; stick to the serial dumping of her kids for very long periods.)

She may feel ganged up on but that may be what it takes to make her realize that ALL of you see what is going on and that you do talk to each other about this behavior. I would bring up the issues others have noted here: What if one of her kids becomes ill? Or even has to be rushed to a hospital? What if one of YOUR kids is ill and you must give that child your full attention? What if you had other plans in four hours' time but it's now six hours after she dumped the kids and ran, and you've already missed your appointment or whatever? She needs to be told up front that she must schedule the kids' time with all family members and must be in touch and must tell you where she is, so if her cell phone conks out, you can reach her in an emergency.

The huge, neon, standout red flag to me was the fact that she leaves the kids and is gone with no contact for five or six hours at a time. If that were planned for and stated up front, with a way to contact her and knowledge of where she would be all that time -- no problem. But if she is leaving the kids and vanishing without saying where she will be, what time she will be back, and what she's doing, she either is running away from her kids for truly desperate "me time" or she is utterly lousy with time frames or she is up to something. As others have noted, is it possible she's got a habit of some kind she needs to hide--? I would add, is it possible she is depressed and dumps the kids when she is at the breaking point and runs off to hide for a while because she has trouble coping? Ask her. Ask if she needs some help with the kids and when you talk to her, have contact numbers and names for that help available -- look up local babysitters to give her a list if you can, or help her get some "mother's helpers" who stay in the home while she's there but keep some of the kids occupied. Or encourage her to get mental health help if she's possibly depressed.

Whether this is about her being simply flaky and forgetting about time, or it's about her passive-aggressively dumping her own kids because she's so tired of them, or is so depressed she can't cope -- she needs to be told what she's doing isn't acceptable and has to change, for HER sake and for her kids' sakes too.

[Anonymous]

OP again. So I sent my sis the following note and she agreed to talk with me tomorrow.
And of course I open a birthday card from her today offering to take my dd for a week once the new baby arrives. It's a sweet offer, but I have big concerns about something like this.
All the thread comments about what would happen if her kids got sick reminded me that last month she left her sick and highly feverish 8 month old in my mom's care while she and her DH went to NYC to visit his family. The other two kids were left with yet another sis who doesn't even have her own place and is sleeping on a friend's couch.
Her daughter was badly burned by frying oil and wasn't taken to the emergency room just a few weeks ago--despite pleading by family members. She now has a disfiguring scar on her chest.
Then I remembered that one night during her visit I awoke at 1:30am and found her kids in my mom's room loudly watching cartoons--something their mom said they could do. Poor grandma had a pillow clutched over her head to shut out the noise.
And I recalled that on the days they did take my 2 year old dd to the museum or elsewhere she was brought home at 9:30 or 10 at night (despite us asking repeatedly to have her back by 7pm) and none of the kids had eaten anything but candy for "dinner" (hence my cooking).
Yeah...at the very least I need to address my issues with her and ask what's going on, sis to sis and mom to mom.
"Hey sis, you know I love you and the kids and am really glad you came. And thanks for taking dd to the museum! So, I do have something I wanted to mention... I'm really ill and it was very tough for me to watch your kids so much the other week when you guys visited and I had to give them dinner, baths, put them to bed, breakfast, to help keep our own household on a schedule. I felt really tired and stressed, especially with all the kids returning home really late nightly and staying up so late playing and watching tv. I also felt really bad when my niece interrupted our vow renewal to ask me for a snack and you didn't do anything or apologize for her behavior later. Can we talk about this? "
We'll see how the convo goes...

[Anonymous]

Go luck to you OP... I suspect things could either go really well, or really crappy. You never know with people like your sis. Keep us posted... not just for our sake, but yours, especially.

[Anonymous]

OP are you the one whose mom thinks you are too strict about bedtime?

[Anonymous]

Your sister sounds like a very laid back mom, things take care of themselves, children will grow up anyway regardless of how on top of things she is; She sounds clueless

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for the great advice.
I just had the convo with my sis and I think her feelings were hurt but the convo went ok.
From her perspective, her kids have looser schedules in the summer, don't have summer bedtimes, and were capable of getting their own meals. She was also frustrated because she felt I'd refused her offers to help on other things. I told her that was because what I'd really needed for her to do was pitch in more with her kids.
She also said it never occurred to her to apologize for my niece's behavior because she's a kid and "I never thought I had to apologize for the behavior of a child."
When I pointed out to her that children have to learn polite and age appropriate behavior from we adults and part of that means saying you're sorry when you're rude then my sis did apologize.
By and large I think my sis will sulk for awhile (I mean it would kind of hurt my feelings if someone suggested I slacked with my kids). But I think she'll be more mindful of this kind of stuff with me in the future.
I suggested that since this whole thing of getting the kids together is still fairly new, we should stick to a to each his own approach and mind our own kids when we're all together. That way we won't have parenting style clashes.
Thanks again everyone for all of your help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you the one whose mom thinks you are too strict about bedtime?

Not me, but I remember that thread well and thought about my sis. My mom actually thinks all of her grandkids' bedtimes are way too late. I agree with her. Trying to dial ours back by an hour before baby #2 arrives.

[Anonymous]

Glad things went well and she was receptive. Good luck with the bedtime thing.

[Anonymous]

Is her name Debbie?

[Anonymous]

String work, OP! I especially like how you pointed out that you need your household to run on its schedule so you fed/bathed her kids bc they were there at meal/bath times. It makes the point that you're not some martyr "I do everything for you all the time" but instead "it's hard on me to include extra children in my evening routine"