How would you handle sis foisting kids on others?
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Anonymous
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So my sis is a sweet person and a loving mom and wife.
But she has this habit of foisting her three young kids off on relatives and disappearing for hours and hours with no contact. She does this to my mom and siblings who live in our hometown all the time. She'll say she's making a quick run and then return 5 or 6 hours later. When she visited us recently she did it again repeatedly to me even though she knew I have a high risk pregnancy and am on bedrest. She'd sleep late leaving me to make breakfasts and get kids dressed. She'd disappear at night leaving me to do the dinner, bath, and bedtime routine. My DH works nights. Mind you, it was our 10th anniversary...the whole reason other family came up in the first place. During our vow renewal my 7 year old niece came to the front and interrupted the toasts to ask me to give her something to eat. Her mom said and did nothing. When I was trying to prepare food for the gathering and later, while we were eating, I had to beg the kids to go to their mom cause I was exhausted and it was our special day. She did it to my mom yesterday. It was a religious holiday (a Muslim holiday with the same level of celebration for us as Christmas) and my mom's birthday. Still my sis planned a slumber party for my niece then brought a gaggle of giggling 8 year olds plus her own three kids to my parents' small home. They were 40 minutes late and the celebration was delayed until they arrived. Then all of these kids tumble out of the car and take over what the rest of us thought would be a private, religious family event. Everyone was stunned. Mom said they kids were sweet but loud and everyone was relieved when they all left. They left my mom with a big mess to clean up and gobbled up most of the birthday cake. Don't want to offend my sister, but I'm trying to decide if I should say something tactfully about this kind of stuff. I know as the mom of 3 she and her DH have their hands full, but it feels as if she's taking advantage and being a bit rude. |
Anonymous
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I think you need to stop worrying so much about offending your sister and speak directly to her about this.
What would happen if she pulled one of her disappearing acts and one of her kids (or their friends) developed a sore throat and a 102 degree fever (and climbing) but you didn't know where Sis was, when she would be back or even how to reach her? Would you try to take the child to the doctor? What would happen if something came up and YOU had to leave - would you have to hire a sitter to watch your sister's kids? Talk to her ASAP. |
Anonymous
| No offense, but could sis have a secret addiction or affair going on? |
Anonymous
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Loving Mom? When it's convenient for her?
You gotta lay down the law on her. I also wonder about the affair thing. |
Anonymous
This will only work if everyone agrees with you. So often people complain but are more,than willing to accept being dumped on.. Maybe they love the kids. Maybe they don't want to make waves. Maybe they feel,guilty about something. ,regardless, unless,they are going to stand behind you if you confront her, you will be the bad guy, not her. |
Anonymous
| Your sister is a selfish bitch. If she is at home (sleeping) you send your kids in to WAKE HER ASS UP. You do not get up when you're on bedrest to take care of her kids. If she says she's just running out for a quick errand, you say right to her face, "Okay, well take Aiden and Isabelle with you. The last 11 times you've said you're going on a quick errand you stay gone for no less than five hours. Take care of your own kids." And then PUSH THE KIDS OUT THE DOOR BEHIND HER AND CLOSE IT. |
Anonymous
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I think you're going to have to confront her if you want it to stop. Pick a time when you're calm and not dealing with the immediate issue (like, not when she's dropping them off at your mon's) and only speak for yourself. It's totally awful that she brought her daughter's sleep over friends to your mom's place and that they ate all the cake, but its not your issue. Try to think up your phrasing in advance - Mary, you know I love you and your kids, but I'm feeling overwhelmed right now and it was very difficult for me to watch them last week when you went out on errands and came back at 6pm. I felt tired and stressed. I also felt really bad when niece interrupted our vow renewal party to ask me for a snack and you didn't do anything. Can we talk about this?
And I would think long and hard about whether she's hiding something - an affair, an addiction - because this behavior seems really bizarre. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is great advice. I'll try this approach of keeping it focused on my particular issue and see what happens. I'm wondering if she's finding some of the demands of motherhood overwhelming. My other sisters and mom have long complained about the kid drop offs and I know at least one sister has said something to her about it. It's so well known that it's kind of a family joke, like "Oh you know, Sheila will stick you with those kids in a heartbeat." She started having kids a year or so after college, so maybe she feels as if she missed out out on some things. I dunno, pure conjecture on my part. Best thing to do is express my feelings and ask her what's up with the behavior. |
Anonymous
| Your sisters a stoner. She's off getting high... |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Why doesn't she just get a sitter? Nothing wrong with a mom of three kids needing a little time to herself. Any older cousins she could pay? Where's the father? Why isn't he helping more with the kids? |
Anonymous
| Because sitters cost money and family is free! |
Anonymous
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"She did this to my Mom"
Well ~ Mom can say something to sister then. I wouldn't entertain complaints from anyone who is not willing to say 'no' themselves. And you should say 'no' when you want. Problem solved. Like isn't very hard. |
Anonymous
Sounds like OP's has a Doormat Family plus one abusing sister. 
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Anonymous
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My SIL is one of those people. I, personally, do not speak up for myself as often as I should, and yes, it is a personal fault, I believe.
I babysat for my SIL for about a year, and she would get off work at 4, but not arrive to get her child until 9 or sometimes, 10. She was DEFINITELY involved in extra marital activities. I eventually stopped bathing her son at night. He was 3 at the time, and I told him Mommy would take care of it later. I would, of course, feed him if he were hungry. I got pregnant with my 3rd, which is what led to my decision to to "cut her off" and stop babysitting. Now, she asks me to do NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. It is sort of sad, but she knows that I have completely separated myself. She's an "all or nothing" type of person. If she can't take advantage of me, she'd rather not deal with me at all. and that's just fine. Now, she takes advantage of her mother on a regular basis..... and guess what? She does it because her mother lets her... just like I let her do the same to me. Your "sweet" sister is also a very inconsiderate one. Bottom line: either stop being a doormat or let her keep stepping on you. Sad, but true. |