Alcoholic bil wants to visit

[Anonymous]

If you don't let them both come or only let one come then you are the bad guy no matter what. What are you supposed to do except suck it up? Your DH should be dealing directly with this and making the decisions IMO otherwise you will be betrayed as the bitch...I'm not saying the BIL is not an asshole or should be anywhere around you guys but just be prepared for the fallout (which you and DH know is a result of BIL addiction but they won't see it that way).

[Anonymous]

I don't blame you for being worried. There are plenty of people who go through rehab who relapse. I think both you and your dh should talk to the SIL and BIL - not to automatically say he can't come but to say that you are worried that he will relapse while they're visiting and you'd like to know what he will do to stay sober while he is visiting -- calling his sponsor and other people from the program, attending AA meetings, etc. You could also offer to drop him off at a local AA meeting.

Be sure you talk to him as well. Don't just talk to the SIL - she is obviously co-dependent and will take responsibility for his behavior that she shouldn't.

You have a perfect right to discuss this with them and to let them know you're worried. Hopefully they can allay your concerns and you can go ahead with the visit. But you might as well address your concerns up front -- the guy has already embarrassed himself and his family multiple times. He should be able to deal with you talking to him about your concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I should be ashamed. He used his car as a weapon and nearly killed four people. But I'm the bad guy. Fuck off. This is a legit question- can someone who is struggling with his addiction hold it together for this long? Should also mention he's an asshole.

You sound awesome

[Anonymous]

Will it be insulting to my SIL to ask her this? She's easily insulted and loves to forget the past, so I think she will just explode if I say "hey how long has he been sober?"

[Anonymous]

I think it's perfectly fine to say that you would rather just see SIL on this visit, that you're not comfortable having a newly-recovering alcoholic in your home after the destruction and pain that he has caused.

Alternately, you ask them to visit but stay in a hotel.

The amount of boundary-setting and discussion required to have him stay with you I think might actually be more difficult and painful at this juncture than just saying no altogether.

As to your husband...tell him you are a pregnant woman with a young child, and you deserve to feel safe in your own home.

[Anonymous]

Your problem OP is that you add important info after the fact and get angry because people haven't guessed it already.

I posted earlier that he should be given a chance. Well, after additional information, I would be uncomfortable with this and would certainly want to talk to both of them myself. If you express doubts to SIL/BIL and want to know more and this offends them, then you definitely have your answer - do not invite the BIL.

[Anonymous]

why can't they just stay in a hotel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I should be ashamed. He used his car as a weapon and nearly killed four people. But I'm the bad guy. Fuck off. This is a legit question- can someone who is struggling with his addiction hold it together for this long? Should also mention he's an asshole.

We don't know him. Maybe he can and maybe he can't. It's definitely possible, but we can't know if it's possible for HIM.

You've asked an unanswerable question.

Signed AA member with 20 years

[Anonymous]

Ok that sounds like good advice. I think maybe I'm going to say they can come, but make my husband talk to the SIL about what we can do to support her husband and find out a couple key things. I don't want them to come at all (they are the tiresome types who sit around telling you how deodorant is bad for you and how you should live your life), but I really do worry about my SIL. She has been through hell and my husband is a great guy and would make her feel an awful lot better. I guess I can toss out the booze (not that we have much) and painkillers, it's just that I'm worried this guy will pull another stunt and hurt us (and SIl) again, this time with a toddler and unborn baby in the picture.

Sorry if I came off as nasty, but dcum is so quick to judge and obviously I didn't write the full story. Trust me when I say bil owes us a lot, but I'm sure he's already forgotten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will it be insulting to my SIL to ask her this? She's easily insulted and loves to forget the past, so I think she will just explode if I say "hey how long has he been sober?"

We and you cannot control what your SIL will think. If you avoid talking to her because you're afraid she'll be insulted, you have failed to take the steps necessary to protect yourself and your family. Don't give her that kind of control over you. You know the Serenity prayer, right - Change the things you can (talk directly to SIL and DIL), accept the things you can't change (SIL and BIL's reaction) and hope God or whatever spiritual power there is out there will give you the wisdom to know the difference.

BTW, you might want to check out an Al-Anon meeting and bring up this topic or you might want to do some reading about the family dynamics of alcoholics because it sounds like you all are getting swept up into it. Which is no criticism of you - I've been there, done that -- it's easy to fall into. Just want to point out that your fear of her exploding - which is keeping you from saying something - sounds like it fits right into an alcoholic family.

Good luck, OP! Let us know how it goes!

[Anonymous]

The PP telling you to be ashamed is obviously not a parent, despite hanging out on DCUM. Don't be baited by that person, who probably has his/her own drinking problem and is overly defensive. I do not blame you one bit. Trust your instincts. Figure out a way to have your 2 yr old spend time with your parents that weekend, so that your BIL can see her only briefly if at all, then do as PP suggests - wipe all traces of alcohol from the house, and be in command of all your car keys at all times. Husband can say he's not drinking in solidarity with you. Get your husband to agree that if BIL drinks during the visit, it is therefore reasonable that the visit be cut short. Again, trust your instincts.

[Anonymous]

Really appreciate the advice from those who have been there. Thank you for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well he's been sober, living in sober living, and appears to be trying to get his life back on track. And he has stayed sober if he's living in sober living. My cousin lived there for 6 months and it is a no bullshit environment. I don't know why you assume he's not sober/will go on a bender. I would let him come and just make sure not to have any alcohol in the house.

OP once again. I DON'T know that he's been sober. My SIL hasnt told us anything. I know they separated when he went on his latest bender about 2-3 months ago and he's allegedly been in a sober living facility. This is his fourth rehab that I know of.

I would be concerned--2-3 months is not long enough. BIL should work his sober living program and let SIL visit alone, as planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will it be insulting to my SIL to ask her this? She's easily insulted and loves to forget the past, so I think she will just explode if I say "hey how long has he been sober?"

It is a legitimate question....

[Anonymous]

After dealing with a brother with drug and alcohol issues, I would say no. I haven't spoken to my brother in 10 months following his last round of bullshit. We've gone through rehab 6 times, DUI's, totaled cars, stealing from family, etc. There's no way.