Alcoholic bil wants to visit

[Anonymous]

My SIL wanted to visit us this summer. I assumed she would visit alone, but now she is insisting on bringing her alcoholic husband. He was recently incarcerated for a DUI and they don't live together (he lives in a sober living facility). If he has stayed sober since she kicked him out, he's been sober only about 2-3 months. Now she wants to visit us (we have a 2 year old daughter and another on the way) for 3 days. I don't want him to come in case he has a bender and crashes our car (his second DUI happened this way), but my husband says he can't say anything to his dumb-dumb sister or she will never forgive us (mainly me). DH also says that he thinks they will be on their best behavior.

Do you think he can hold it together for 3 days? Or should I just put my foot down and say no?

[Anonymous]

Yes. And I think you should have a little more compassion. Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Well he's been sober, living in sober living, and appears to be trying to get his life back on track. And he has stayed sober if he's living in sober living. My cousin lived there for 6 months and it is a no bullshit environment. I don't know why you assume he's not sober/will go on a bender. I would let him come and just make sure not to have any alcohol in the house.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I should be ashamed. He used his car as a weapon and nearly killed four people. But I'm the bad guy. Fuck off. This is a legit question- can someone who is struggling with his addiction hold it together for this long? Should also mention he's an asshole.

[Anonymous]

I can only imagine how difficult this is for your SIL. She needs her family to be there for her. The only thing you have listed as a reason for them not to come is that you're afraid he will drink and crash your car. That is easily addressed--make sure your car keys are no where accessible to either BIL or SIL. Let your husband know this and make a plan as to who will hold the keys and where they will be. If you have alcohol in the house, put it away and out of sight. Hell, lock it in the trunk of your car.

[Anonymous]

Invite him only if he is aware that he cannot drink alcohol, use your car, and other rules you might want to set up. Nobody should drink alcohol in front of him during those three days. If he is an otherwise reliable person, then I would give him a chance. Make it clear to SIL and BIL that behavior during this visit will decide whether other invitations will be forthcoming in the future.

[Anonymous]

Op again. You think he's okay? My SIL blames herself for DUI #2 because she left the car keys out. He drove to a bar and the rest is history. He called us after he was arrested for public drunkenness and basically said that he didn't have a problem, but the "man" has a problem with him. Other family members do not think he has hit rock bottom yet, and he hasn't acknowledged he is an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I should be ashamed. He used his car as a weapon and nearly killed four people. But I'm the bad guy. Fuck off. This is a legit question- can someone who is struggling with his addiction hold it together for this long? Should also mention he's an asshole.

Yes, you should. Seriously. Get help. That's the difference between him and you -- he's getting help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well he's been sober, living in sober living, and appears to be trying to get his life back on track. And he has stayed sober if he's living in sober living. My cousin lived there for 6 months and it is a no bullshit environment. I don't know why you assume he's not sober/will go on a bender. I would let him come and just make sure not to have any alcohol in the house.

OP once again. I DON'T know that he's been sober. My SIL hasnt told us anything. I know they separated when he went on his latest bender about 2-3 months ago and he's allegedly been in a sober living facility. This is his fourth rehab that I know of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I should be ashamed. He used his car as a weapon and nearly killed four people. But I'm the bad guy. Fuck off. This is a legit question- can someone who is struggling with his addiction hold it together for this long? Should also mention he's an asshole.

Yes, you should. Seriously. Get help. That's the difference between him and you -- he's getting help.

Loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. You think he's okay? My SIL blames herself for DUI #2 because she left the car keys out. He drove to a bar and the rest is history. He called us after he was arrested for public drunkenness and basically said that he didn't have a problem, but the "man" has a problem with him. Other family members do not think he has hit rock bottom yet, and he hasn't acknowledged he is an alcoholic.

He's in sober living getting help. He must have acknowledged he has a problem. Sober living is a pretty serious place to live. Not a ton of freedom and they are constantly watching you to make sure you don't relapse. If you do, you're out. He must be getting help in some way if he's been sober and is living there. You, on the other hand, sound like you don't even want to think that he is getting help. And you obviously are just going to say no, so just do it. Don't see why you needed to post here just to be nasty to anyone who disagrees with you.

[Anonymous]

14:32--another thing--talk to SIL and/or BIL about what the plan is for supporting him. Does he need to go to a meeting? Where is it located? What time?

Also, what are your "bottom lines?" meaning what behavior will tip you over the edge (besides drinking). You've said he's an asshole. So if he starts using profanity or referring to the President as the n-word, is that grounds for him leaving? This needs to be communicated before they arrive. It's okay to say to SIL that you welcome her and support his recovery AND that you're apprehensive about the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well he's been sober, living in sober living, and appears to be trying to get his life back on track. And he has stayed sober if he's living in sober living. My cousin lived there for 6 months and it is a no bullshit environment. I don't know why you assume he's not sober/will go on a bender. I would let him come and just make sure not to have any alcohol in the house.

OP once again. I DON'T know that he's been sober. My SIL hasnt told us anything. I know they separated when he went on his latest bender about 2-3 months ago and he's allegedly been in a sober living facility. This is his fourth rehab that I know of.

If he is living in sober living, currently he is sober. He will get kicked out the second he drinks or does anything breaking his sobriety. Also, why don't you ask SIL? And just leave it on certain terms. he can come as long as he is still sober. IF he isn't sober or if you suspect he drinks at all while he's here, he leaves. Perhaps this last incident was a wake up call and he's finally committing to getting help.

[Anonymous]

OP, why ask a question if you've already made up your mind?I don't think him visiting is a big deal, but you seem to, so just go with what makes you comfortable.

[Anonymous]

I'm nasty to those who know nothing about me but are quick to jump on my back. I didn't mention anything about how many times my husband and I have helped this guy only to get burned ovr and over again. So I have my doubts about him and his alleged sobriety.

I think it's worth noting not all rehabs are alike. So I don't know how serious he is about sobriety. And I think it's unfair of my SIL to not tell us anything about his state and assume we will open our doors (again).

But it is 3 days. My dc loves to walk around with the car keys in her hand and leave them around the house. Afraid he will grab them. There is a bar 2 blocks from my house. This is what worries me.