When family falls apart?

[Anonymous]

Things I've learned from dealing with family illness.

1) lose all expectations of your family members. Yes, you want to have them but your expectations and their lack of being able to meet them will let you down (constantly). If you have zero expectations, any little bit they do will be a bonus.

2) You are seeing that each person doesn't do the same amount as you. Probably in their heads, they actually think they are. There's usually one family member that steps up and takes care of business. This would be you in this situation.

3) Behave and do what you need to so you can live with no regrets. Guilt will always be there because you'll never think you did enough. But know there is only so much you can do and live with that.

4) get organized and plan for the worst. Your mom will need long term care at some point. Communicate the plan to your siblings and tell them you expect them to be on board.

Those who end up being caretakers can and do fall into the martyr syndrome (whoa me!). It's natural but not everyone appreciates the attitude.

[Anonymous]

You mention cheapness. Are you asking them for money? Did your parents plan for retirement?

You may just need to accept that for whatever reason some cannot help. Maybe they have their own stresses with their kids and in-laws-serious issues you are not privy to.

What is your goal? Do you want to move her to assisted living?

It sucks you don't feel like others are doing their part, but I think I'd just assume people do what they can handle and you need to do what you think is right, without giving anyone guilt trips or further stirring the pot. Don't make assumptions about other people's lives or motives. Know that you have done something selfless and caring and feel good about that without obsessing about what others should do.

[Anonymous]

) lose all expectations of your family members. Yes, you want to have them but your expectations and their lack of being able to meet them will let you down (constantly). If you have zero expectations, any little bit they do will be a bonus.


The above words are words of wisdom that would help so many people with all sorts of scenarios. The road to your own personal hell is filled with too many expectations. Look for the good in others and you will find it. Look for the bad and you will find that. Accept that everyone has there own personal limitations and nobody is perfect.

Sorry to take this in a different direction...carry on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually I would recommend an elder care attorney.

This. One in her state, not yours, if you are in different states.

While she is still capable of thinking about it (and Alzheimer's can move fast in some people, I've seen it where early-onset caused fast decline) you must get a power of medical attorney and a power of legal attorney. If you don't do it now, you will have to go through a court to do it when she starts to lose it mentally, and that will be horrid, painful and difficult. Then you must talk to social services people who specialize in the elderly and in dementia patients in particular. You need to be lining things up now, not later: Where will she live (she cannot stay at home much longer without either in-home care or the alternative of moving to assisted living), who will pay for what, etc. Unless she divorces your dad and fast, he is going to have all medical and legal and financial power over her and could make her life hell. He needs to man up and meet with you and a lawyer about this and either legally commit to providing for her or divorce her so she gets provisions in a settlement.

If he's with someone else, how long do you really think he's going to pay mom's bills?

Is she on Medicare already? Do you know the Medicaid rules? Being married could mean she "has" too much money to qualify for Medicaid if she needs it (even if she lacks a penny of her own in reality). Do you know for sure it's diagnosed Alzheimer's? Is she under a doctor's regular care? How can she reliably get to a doctor for care if she has early-onset Alzheimer's? Is she still driving -- and should she even be doing that?

There are a million questions but you are focused on your siblings, other relatives and yourself. Soon you could get the call that mom burned herself trying to cook because she left the stove on too high, or she ran the car up onto a curb and hit someone or something, or she was found in the mall wandering and not knowing how to ask for help. Alzheimer's puts her at real risk. Get past yourself and your problems with siblings and get her some real help and full-time care of some form or you'll be getting some scary calls sooner rather than later.

You need to travel out to where she is and get aggressive about this so you can have some peace of mind. And it starts with figuratively slapping daddy around and getting legal help to make daddy step up and do what he must financially. Forget your siblings.

[Anonymous]

First, OP's mom could well have been a total Bitch to OP's dad in the past few years or, it could have been the accumulated debt of many years.

With that said OP's Dad does owe her some support if she was a SAHM for all those years. Make sure this is court-mandated if OP thinks Dad will try and slink off and make the kids pay for everything.

It's easy from here to say "People gotta help more" when the people saying those things don't have to do a damn thing to actually help.

[Anonymous]

"It's easy from here to say "People gotta help more" when the people saying those things don't have to do a damn thing to actually help."

Wait. What about the "gift of siblings"? Fuck!