Financially Dependent Grandparent- wwyd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she tried to qualify for disability?

OP here, I suggested that to her, but she got overwhelmed with the paperwork, and even if she managed to get it together, I'm worried that mental health disorders are hard to prove.

Suggest a meeting with the psychiatrist and ask if doc can recommend a social worker who can put together the application for you. Your mom should not do it. Shouldn't cost you very much to pay someone else to help. If it is denied the first go, you can appeal twice.

Many attorneys handle disability and don't require payment until you win your case and receive benefits. Being denied once is very common. An attorney experienced in SS/Disability is a huge help.

I second this idea. Also, get her to sign power of attorney to you, so you can make decisions in her medical/financial care.

Also, the over-spending may be a sign of her anxiety or OCD. Proper medication might help.

Amen, amen, amen. Social worker, attorney, whatever it takes, but you will have to help out and commit, for a certain length of time, to helping your mom get on disability; get her finances sorted out; get treated for her overspending (a typical sign of many things -- anxiety, OCD, bi-polar, depression, more). Do not let her move in. Do not support her financially. Doing either would shortchange your own children and create a household of tension and resentment. You need to help her intensively now, but by helping her find the support systems, disability payments and treatments she needs -- not by taking her in. I've seen what can happen when families feel pressured to take in someone like her, and it's not good for anyone involved -- including her. Most of all, you have to put your kids first, and having her live with you does not do that. Some might argue that it shows kids a good example of caring for the older generation, etc., but that is not the case here and they are too young to get any such message. Help her by working hard, for now, to get her the social services she needs, but not by taking her in.

[Anonymous]

I agree. Please get her some help to apply for Disability. If approved, she may be eligible for medicaid which will provide additional benefits to treat her issues. The monthly income won't be huge but it may help bridge the gap and allow her to live independently.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she needs a social worker, especially if she gets so overwhelmed with paperwork because of her mental issues. There is really very little that you can do for her. Your kids have to be #1. While your mom has issues, she is an adult who has made her own bed in some ways.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Do you think she has a true desire to change for the better? I ask because as bizarre as it may sound, she may be getting a payoff from being in this situation in the form of a lot of attention (positive or negative) a lot of "oh poor mom, what can we do for you!", and the sense that there are still people in the big bad world who feel sorry for her. I had a friend in this kind of situation for years. All she'd do was talk about how tough things were but she wasn't willing to change anything, only complain and then thank me for being such a wonderful friend she was very lucky to have and who gave her good advice (she never took).

[Anonymous]

Do you have any siblings? Why is this your problem alone to solve?

My grandmother moved in with us when I was a teenager bc of her poor health, she was a widow and didnt have much money and my mother didnt want to put her in a nursing home. The stress almost caused my parents to divorce. Think of your marriage and your children, I don't think having her live with you is a good idea. I am sorry you are facing this, I am sure it is very difficult.

[Anonymous]

OP, here, just wanted to answer some of the questions.

I'm an only, but my mother has two brothers--a younger one, who is no better off than she is, and a more stable older one, who sometimes enables her by "lending" her money, but doesn't know what to do in the long term.

My parents divorced 20 years ago, not on good terms. My dad doesn't plan to claim his SS benefits until he turns 70 in 2025. My mom's own SS benefits at 62 would be very low, given her unemployment history.

She rents. She lost her house to foreclosure three years ago before the inheritance money came.

She has no true desire to change, because she is a doctor who fantasizes that, any day now, she will find another high paying job. But she has been fired from her last three jobs, and it took her four years to find the last one, which she held down for only four months. I've told her many times that she needs to plan for the worst and can't count on another job. But her denial is deep and powerful.

Thanks so much for all the advice! It really helps hearing fresh prespectives on this.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN. My suggestion: put together some options for her that she can do on her own. Maybe help connect her with resources, help her through the process a little. But, don't commit your extra funds to her.

My mother is currently living with us. Not frugal, though I thought she was. It turns out her money-saving tricks were because she'd burn everything in her bank account and need to do X, Y, or Z (i.e. live off of pennies). I just wrote her another check, because she overextended herself again. She is looking for a job so that she can get her own place. I love her lots, wanted to take care of her, but sometimes tough love is the best way to do that.

In our society, we are caught between the notion that we should take care of our parents and the other notion that our parents are adults and should take care of themselves. I moved out at 17 and I have paid my way for the past 15 years. I paid for my college, straightened out my own debt, and built this life for myself. Other friends, I know their parents bought them cars, houses, paid for college, etc. Set them up pretty good. Based on what turned into a trial run (where she basically spent all her money in the first month and started to control my life), I am not going to spend the next 20-40 years giving all of my peace, money, and happiness to my mother.

My mother is not "a hard person to live with" but she's a hard person to live with. She is also very anxious and could really benefit from PTSD therapy. She is NEVER happy. When I do something, she's not happy. When I don't do something, the fact that I took her feelings into consideration makes her not happy. It makes living in my house stressful. She's a bit selfish at times. I didn't realize that. She got drunk at my baby shower and that turned into a horrible evening. That was one of many bad situations we've gotten ourselves into.

My mom at least helps us out by watching LO while we're at work (she is compensated). I am very thankful for the time DD gets to spend with her. I had been so excited for her to move in with me. But, if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have made this choice.