Financially Dependent Grandparent- wwyd

[Anonymous]

My sweet, generous mother suffers from a serious anxiety disorder. In spite of therapy and medication, she is chronically unemployed, and in the words of DH, “a hard person to love.” At age 59, she has no job, no spouse, meager retirement savings and substantial credit card debt. She is living off a small inheritance from an aunt that is quickly running out. To make matters worse, she is not frugal. Her current living expenses, including therapy and meds, are about $65K a year.

Meanwhile, DH and I have two DC, ages 4 and 6 mos. We both work full time for a combined $220K. That may sound like a lot, but after mortgage, childcare, higher -than-average medical bills, and taxes, we have an “everything” savings of about $1,000 a month. To get more, we would have to make a significant change in our lives, such as having DH take a less family friendly job or moving to a cheaper house.

Having my mother move in with us would be bad, because her anxiety makes her a stressful person to be around. She is also unreliable and accident prone, so not a good childcare option. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to see my mother be homeless, but I also don’t want to tell DS that his college savings went to Grandma. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Thoughts and advice?

[Anonymous]

Has she tried to qualify for disability?

[Anonymous]

Don't know where she is, but you could buy her a one bedroom condo with your name only on the title (not hers) and let her live there. That way at least it is sort of an investment, depending on the area.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP - this sounds incredibly difficult. I haven't had to deal w/ anything quite like this but I just want to encourage you to protect your nuclear family. Do whatever you can for your mother of course, investigate all options on her behalf, but don't sacrifice your immediate family's well-being.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

The big problem you face is health insurance until she is on medicare, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she tried to qualify for disability?

OP here, I suggested that to her, but she got overwhelmed with the paperwork, and even if she managed to get it together, I'm worried that mental health disorders are hard to prove.

[Anonymous]

65k is enough for an entire family to live off of.

[Anonymous]

Where is your father? Is she receiving his SS benefits? If not, she can get her own at 62.

Agree with PP -- her problem is spending, and you can't change that.

Why do you feel this is your problem?

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down and have a serious talk with her. There is no reason she should be spending $65,000 a year. None what so ever. You need to explain to her the situation, that you, as her daughter, want to help her, but if you do her grandchildren will be saddled with a large amount of debt come college. She won't want that. Work with her to make a plan that's very manageable for her.

Suze Orman has covered this topic too many times. Her shows are free video podcasts on iTunes as well (might not be bad for your mother to see a few episodes).

What did she do before the unemployment? How internet savvy is she? Any sort of job she could do part-time? Does she drive? Does she own her home? Is she still paying the mortgage?

Obviously her living with you isn't ideal with your current situation. What about moving to a home that is similarly priced but with a sort of separate living area for her? Then have her pay you a little rent, but just put that money aside into a separate savings account her for the future. She clearly needs to be saving money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to sit down and have a serious talk with her. There is no reason she should be spending $65,000 a year. None what so ever. You need to explain to her the situation, that you, as her daughter, want to help her, but if you do her grandchildren will be saddled with a large amount of debt come college. She won't want that. Work with her to make a plan that's very manageable for her.

Suze Orman has covered this topic too many times. Her shows are free video podcasts on iTunes as well (might not be bad for your mother to see a few episodes).

What did she do before the unemployment? How internet savvy is she? Any sort of job she could do part-time? Does she drive? Does she own her home? Is she still paying the mortgage?

Obviously her living with you isn't ideal with your current situation. What about moving to a home that is similarly priced but with a sort of separate living area for her? Then have her pay you a little rent, but just put that money aside into a separate savings account her for the future. She clearly needs to be saving money.

It doesn't sound like moving into the same house is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand your situation. We are about to start giving my mom $1,300 a month to keep her afloat. (She is much older than your mom.) We are extremely lucky that we can afford to do this. It is difficult to think about what might happen if we were not able to help support her.

But I agree giving your kid's college funds to your mother is not a good choice. I would stop even thinking about that as an option.

Hopefully you can figure out some ways to help her navigate her coming financial crisis without feeling like you have no choice but to give her money.

I totally feel for you on this one.

[Anonymous]

Also curious to see what others suggest, OP. In a somewhat similar situation with a MIL who, after her boyfriend dies (which will be soon, I morbidly say), will be pretty SOL and most likely DH and I will be supporting her in some fashion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she tried to qualify for disability?

OP here, I suggested that to her, but she got overwhelmed with the paperwork, and even if she managed to get it together, I'm worried that mental health disorders are hard to prove.

Suggest a meeting with the psychiatrist and ask if doc can recommend a social worker who can put together the application for you. Your mom should not do it. Shouldn't cost you very much to pay someone else to help. If it is denied the first go, you can appeal twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she tried to qualify for disability?

OP here, I suggested that to her, but she got overwhelmed with the paperwork, and even if she managed to get it together, I'm worried that mental health disorders are hard to prove.

Suggest a meeting with the psychiatrist and ask if doc can recommend a social worker who can put together the application for you. Your mom should not do it. Shouldn't cost you very much to pay someone else to help. If it is denied the first go, you can appeal twice.

Many attorneys handle disability and don't require payment until you win your case and receive benefits. Being denied once is very common. An attorney experienced in SS/Disability is a huge help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she tried to qualify for disability?

OP here, I suggested that to her, but she got overwhelmed with the paperwork, and even if she managed to get it together, I'm worried that mental health disorders are hard to prove.

Suggest a meeting with the psychiatrist and ask if doc can recommend a social worker who can put together the application for you. Your mom should not do it. Shouldn't cost you very much to pay someone else to help. If it is denied the first go, you can appeal twice.

Many attorneys handle disability and don't require payment until you win your case and receive benefits. Being denied once is very common. An attorney experienced in SS/Disability is a huge help.

I second this idea. Also, get her to sign power of attorney to you, so you can make decisions in her medical/financial care.

Also, the over-spending may be a sign of her anxiety or OCD. Proper medication might help.