Its been 10 years

[Anonymous]

Your mom hasn't reached out to you. There isn't going to be any tearful reunion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you planning to do in your hometown? I mean, where are you planning to stay? Where are you planning to celebrate Thanksgiving?

OP, I don't think you're thinking rationally at all here. Thanksgiving is such a family-based holiday, and you're deserting your family who loves you to go see someone who spit in your face. Or! You're dragging your family to see someone who physically assaulted you and may do that again, except this time, in front of an impressionable 8 year old boy.

Either way you've lost your marbles completely. If you want to go see your mother don't do it on Thanksgiving, and don't bring your small child with you.

ds is my only family, other than him, Im alone
he also wont be at my mothers when I first get there, only if it goes ok will I go get him. He'll be at a daycare nearby

Oh my god, OP, you have completely gone over the deep end! So let's look at this picture together: it's Thanksgiving. You're taking your son and traveling somewhere he's never been before in his entire life. You plan to DUMP HIM IN A DAYCARE during Thanksgiving weekend while you go to see a woman who physically assaulted you last time you saw each other. Then, if you think "it goes ok" you will go fetch your son from this daycare where he knows nobody (which is magically open?) and bring him to your mother? You haven't considered that things could possibly take a turn for the worse? That sometimes people drink during stressful situations AND/OR during holidays? LADY TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR PLAN AND JOIN ME IN SEEING THE CRAZY!

You dont have to be so ugly about it, but yes, I see where you are coming from. The daycare I called is open M-W of Thanksgiving week.
To the other poster, no, the relationship has always been strained

Um, I'm not being ugly about it. You haven't seen me be ugly. I am trying to stop you from making a huge mistake on multiple levels. You're going to dump your kid at a daycare he's never been to before, with kids he's never met. Everyone will be talking about their thanksgiving plans, and what will your son say? "Well, if my grandma doesn't seem too crazy towards my mom then I might get to meet her, but if she is then ... we might just go home or we might go to a diner or something around here, I don't really know yet."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom hasn't reached out to you. There isn't going to be any tearful reunion.

I think you might be right, but I really, really hope youre wrong.

[Anonymous]

Why was the relationship strained? If your mother was describing the precipitating events leading up to the break---what would she say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was the relationship strained? If your mother was describing the precipitating events leading up to the break---what would she say?

That she hated being a mother and wished she had aborted both of her children and not just one.
I really wasnt a bad kid/teenager. I went to school and work and came home. Never dated, drank. smoke, drugs, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, some of us just didn't get two parents in the conventional sense.... My father was marginally involved in my life until age 10 and then left for good. I saw him very briefly once or twice before he died, but for all intents and purposes, I didn't have a father beyond his contributing his DNA. It's sad, but it's what it is. You can't make your mom love you or miss you, and frankly, I don't know why you'd want to expose your young son to the possibility she'd reject you both. One reason I don't mention my father to my own kids is because they don't need the stress of wondering whether I'd abandon them the way he did me. When they're older, of course, I'll have to explain a little further. But I think a mother who doesn't reach out to her daughter over 10 years is sending a pretty clear message, and you should just move on.

[Anonymous]

Your mother will never change. She is still who she was. Until you are ready to deal with that, you are not ready to go home. One day, you will be able to see her and will be at peace about it, but that day isn't here yet. You are still expecting her to be someone she will never be.

How do you know she will even be home?

You really should work this through with a therapist. This is a very heavy, emotional situation and you can't just wing it. The same sentiment that led you to book the plane tickets should lead you instead to work through the issue with a professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh my god, OP, you have completely gone over the deep end! So let's look at this picture together: it's Thanksgiving. You're taking your son and traveling somewhere he's never been before in his entire life. You plan to DUMP HIM IN A DAYCARE during Thanksgiving weekend while you go to see a woman who physically assaulted you last time you saw each other. Then, if you think "it goes ok" you will go fetch your son from this daycare where he knows nobody (which is magically open?) and bring him to your mother? You haven't considered that things could possibly take a turn for the worse? That sometimes people drink during stressful situations AND/OR during holidays? LADY TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR PLAN AND JOIN ME IN SEEING THE CRAZY!

Yes, I agree, it sounds very DRAMATIC. Maybe you should start with a phone call and see how it goes, because the scenes usually don't go as you picture them in your head.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you would be better off to take a trip somewhere with DS and start your own thanksgiving tradition. Perhaps the beach, cook a turkey and have a picnic seaside or visit NYC and go to the thanksgiving day parade. Let go of your mother and this plan to reconnect, it's not worth the pain its going to cause you and your DS if she once again rejects you.

[Anonymous]

PP here what are you going to tell DS? He's 8 not 2 surely he will want to know why your dragging him to a strange city and dropping him off at a strange daycare.

[Anonymous]

1.If you cannot call or write to your mother, then DO NOT travel to see her!!!

2. Work it out in your head (or go to a therapist) that you cannot change who she is, only what you expect of her. You are expecting something she cannot give. You should change yourself before attempting to contact your mother.

3. I am sure there is space in your mother's life, if she is still alive and well (and I hope she is), for you and your son. However the relationship will probably be far different from what you think right now. Accept it.

4. Create your own family where you are, close friends that you can depend on to help you in an emergency. You will feel less alone in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about calling or writing first? Are you bringing your son?

yes, but the thought of calling her makes me hyperventilate so I havent.
A letter is a good idea, Ive written thousands in my head, just never felt it was the right time to send one.
Yes, ds is going with me but not to my mother's house. Ive reserved the week at a daycare there for him to spend time at if it goes badly when I knock on the door

Op, I hate to be so blunt however... You need to take a good look at what your about to do. If you cannot CALL this woman because it puts you in such a panic, how exactly do you plan to go to her HOME where you will be face to face with her. Much less how can you rationalize dragging your child across country on a holiday to MAYBE have things work out. Please, if your going to do this at least leave your son with someone who he can share the holiday with in an unstressful way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened to cause this?

My mother spit in my face and told me she wished she had gone ahead and aborted me. It literally shattered my heart and when I left, I never looked back.
For all I know, she still feels that way. And it scares me to death.

Why did she do this?

[Anonymous]

OP, here are my thoughts:

First, You need to call your mother before you go. No matter how horrible she was to you, it's not really fair to show up out of the blue with no warning. And you want to give her a chance to act like a better person, right? If you call her, both of you will be better prepared for this meeting. (Also, what if she happens to be out of town that week?)

Second, I definitely think you should re-establish contact with your mother. Maybe some of the pps are right that you should work through this with a therapist first. And you still have time to work with a therapist anyway since this is not till Thanksgiving. Be prepared for it not to go the way you want it to go. Your mother may still be horrible. But if she is, I bet you come away feeling better because you're a grownup now and you'll learn that your mother doesn't control you anymore. You've made a life for yourself and your kid. And then maybe you'll be able to move on.

Because you clearly haven't moved on. Even though you left home, this relationship is stilling haunting you. Go home, and whatever happens, find some closure. Do it before your mom dies and it's too late for closure.

Good luck, OP! We're rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

I call troll. Who the fuck does this shit? Only someone in a Hallmark move, that's who.