When you're a MIL, what will your DIL think of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope she will like me. I am controlling and have a hard time hiding my opinion about things. I've had a lot of practice with my much younger siblings fiancee, who I think at first thought I was pushy about breastfeeding (I was trying to help her, turns out it was really idiotic of me). My strategy here is to be totally open, to apologize when I mess up, and to do the best I can with my personality. It is what it is. I'm not the nicest person in the world, but I'm not the worst. I'm generous and loving and I know that I'll love her, so I hope that helps bridge any gap my character flaws create. I know she will have her own character flaws, and surely they will annoy me. I'll probably have to stifle feelings of jealousy that my little boy loves another woman best now. But, I'll try to be the grown up about it.

With my own MIL, I try to be as generous with her as I hope my future DIL is with me. I don't necessarily like MIL, despite years of trying, but I do care about her. Respecting her is a harder one. she is manipulative and while this may seem like a crazy reason to dislike someone, she wastes things to a degree that is just unthinkable. Very wealthy and treats everything like it's disposable, doesn't ever repair anything, doesn't recycle, etc. So it's just hard for me to get past those specific issues. So sometimes I imagine that my son's wife would look at me one day and think "she laughs at the wrong times, she judges people who don't repair things instead of buying new, she worked too much, she's bitchy to FIL" etc. All these things could be said about me. I try to put myself in that place, and think, some kindness to MIL, who loves my husband and kids more than anything, is in order.

I hope someone will do at least that much for me one day. But, I also will try not to push at her or manipulate her. Seems like that's the number one complaint people have.

OMG, she'll think you talk to much.

[Anonymous]

She'll think I'm flaky as hell, but also kind and nonjudgemental. She'll think I did a terrible job of teaching my son to clean up after himself, and she'll be right.

[Anonymous]

She may think I am bitchy for not wanting to discuss fashion or decor, etc. She may blame me for traits her husband has that were there from the day he was born.

[Anonymous]

If I am still married to my sons father she will wonder why. She will also wonder why I gave up all of the things that made me happy for my family.

Other than that I think we will get along.

[Anonymous]

I am a MIL. My DIL thinks I'm awesome so far. I've had two MILs, one easy and one difficult. I just do things the way the easy one did: I play nice, mind my own business, and don't try to run anyone's life, no matter how I feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a MIL. My DIL thinks I'm awesome so far. I've had two MILs, one easy and one difficult. I just do things the way the easy one did: I play nice, mind my own business, and don't try to run anyone's life, no matter how I feel.

I have a difficult MIL, and I want to be the opposite of her. I will try to remember what you said about your easy MIL- she seems so nice- and be just like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like everyone else at first, she will think I'm a cold bitch who is haughty and has no sense of humor. If she digs a little farther, she will like me.

There is never a second chance to make a first impression. I suspect that she would have no interest in delving further.

No way! People that take longer to get to know sometimes turn out to be the most interesting.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have these conversations... mainly how not to end up like my mother, and how to be more like my MIL.

Hands-off, supportive, non-judgmental.

I will probably have to bite my tongue hard, but it will be worth it.

[Anonymous]

I've learned a lot from my mil. It took me ages to figure out that even though she drives me crazy she loves me like her own child. My husband was born with a birth defect and had 16 surgeries growing up so she'll probably never get over trying to baby him. She doesn't understand why I don't cater to his needs more and why we are 50/50 partners when it comes to housework. So there are some things I will do the same and lots of things I will do differently. I've realized though she tries her best

[Anonymous]

I love my MIL. I hope my DIL will think of me as family, as someone she can trust, as someone who supports her and my son as a new family, as someone who won't offer unsolicited advice (something I hate), but who will be an ear and offer advice and support when it is asked for. I hope she will see me as a loving grandmother to her and my son's children. I hope she will want to include me in her new family's life in a meaningful way, just as I would want to integrate her into my family as an accepted and loved member. I hope she will see me as someone who is open-minded and tries very hard not to be judgmental.

The one thing that would make me very upset is if my DIL viewed me as "competition" for my son's love, instead of trusting that my son will have the room in his heart for us both just as I will have room in my heart for both my son AND his new wife.

[Anonymous]

I have two daughters - dont have to worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have these conversations... mainly how not to end up like my mother, and how to be more like my MIL.

Hands-off, supportive, non-judgmental.

I will probably have to bite my tongue hard, but it will be worth it.

I will also be hands-off, supportive, non-judgmental. No interference or mandates on wedding plans. If I am invited on a wedding gown shopping trip will smile and say looks beautiful in everything. No overgifting of stuff s/he may not really want. Follow their lead with any grandchildren-not acting like they are my kids. No Christmas and birthday gifts of stuff- maybe a once per year gift of 1 object. Other would be candy/food/flowers.

[Anonymous]

Well, I think that the main problem DS will have in having two moms is that his wife(or husband) will have two MILs! Assuming DIL makes DS happy, I think we'll make it work.

[Anonymous]

I thank God every day for my daughter so I don't have to worry about it. If I had a son, I would realize that women make the family plans and that if my DIL didn't like me my access to my son and grandchildren would be greatly diminished.

[Anonymous]

She will think I'm a funny, devil may care, live and let live hippy. DS's life after he gets out from under my care will be his business and his only. I don't poke my nose where it doesn't belong, to the point that people sometimes think I don't care about them, which is not the case. I do but I'm also a staunch believer in individualism, even when you are family. Your life, your decisions.

I resent people butting into my life uninvited and I extent the same courtesy to EVERYBODY I know.