ILs moving to DC: Help!

[Anonymous]

Your problem is not your FIL. It is your DH. HE does not support you. He probably does not think his father is an ass. Hell, the man raised him and he probably agrees with much of what his father does and says.

It may help to get a male counselor to help break it down to your DH, from what you've shared, I don't think he is going to make any changes that are initiated solely by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP tells her DH that FIL is not welcome in their house unless he does XYZ, DH may say, "well, I don't want to see your parents here." It sucks but that's the way a lot of DHs are.

If I told my partner that his dad was not welcome in our house because his dad was disrespecting me, and his response was "well, I don't want to see your parents here" in a purely retaliatory way, rather than something related to disrespectful behavior toward him, I would be shocked that I'd married a vindictive child instead of the mature adult I thought I was getting.

Not the PP. One thing you have to understand is that this is your DH's father - the man who raised him. Lobbing ultimatums at DH is NOT going to solve the problem and will create more problems. Being vindicitve is one thing....but no one wants to have their spouse ban their parents from their house. Because at the end of the day, the DW who bans the FIL is NOT going to bear the brunt of the decision - the DH is. So...you need to understand that and act accordingly - with understanding and humility - and acknowledge that the decision is a difficult one for him. HE is the one making the sacrifice so the DW puffing her chest out like a boss is NOT the best long term move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is not your FIL. It is your DH. HE does not support you. He probably does not think his father is an ass. Hell, the man raised him and he probably agrees with much of what his father does and says.

It may help to get a male counselor to help break it down to your DH, from what you've shared, I don't think he is going to make any changes that are initiated solely by you.

People on the board throw this around ..... "he does not support you." Blah blah.

The OP want effectively wants DH to take a stand against HIS parents moving here and has said she would consider divorcing him. DH is a person too and, God forbid, maybe he does not agree with his DW. Maybe he thinks she is blowing things out of proportion. Supporting your spouse does not mean 100% agreement on EVERY position they take. Couples disagree. Seems to me that is they see a counselor, it should not be so the counselor can convince him that OP is "right." It would be so that both parties can get their views heard on a path towards compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP tells her DH that FIL is not welcome in their house unless he does XYZ, DH may say, "well, I don't want to see your parents here." It sucks but that's the way a lot of DHs are.

If I told my partner that his dad was not welcome in our house because his dad was disrespecting me, and his response was "well, I don't want to see your parents here" in a purely retaliatory way, rather than something related to disrespectful behavior toward him, I would be shocked that I'd married a vindictive child instead of the mature adult I thought I was getting.

Not the PP. One thing you have to understand is that this is your DH's father - the man who raised him. Lobbing ultimatums at DH is NOT going to solve the problem and will create more problems. Being vindicitve is one thing....but no one wants to have their spouse ban their parents from their house. Because at the end of the day, the DW who bans the FIL is NOT going to bear the brunt of the decision - the DH is. So...you need to understand that and act accordingly - with understanding and humility - and acknowledge that the decision is a difficult one for him. HE is the one making the sacrifice so the DW puffing her chest out like a boss is NOT the best long term move.

I'm the poster you're quoting but not the OP. Are you honestly saying that if my FIL was disrespectful and sexist to me in my own house and my husband does not kick him out HIMSELF that I should be understanding and respectful of the sacrifice he's making??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP tells her DH that FIL is not welcome in their house unless he does XYZ, DH may say, "well, I don't want to see your parents here." It sucks but that's the way a lot of DHs are.

If I told my partner that his dad was not welcome in our house because his dad was disrespecting me, and his response was "well, I don't want to see your parents here" in a purely retaliatory way, rather than something related to disrespectful behavior toward him, I would be shocked that I'd married a vindictive child instead of the mature adult I thought I was getting.

Not the PP. One thing you have to understand is that this is your DH's father - the man who raised him. Lobbing ultimatums at DH is NOT going to solve the problem and will create more problems. Being vindicitve is one thing....but no one wants to have their spouse ban their parents from their house. Because at the end of the day, the DW who bans the FIL is NOT going to bear the brunt of the decision - the DH is. So...you need to understand that and act accordingly - with understanding and humility - and acknowledge that the decision is a difficult one for him. HE is the one making the sacrifice so the DW puffing her chest out like a boss is NOT the best long term move.

I'm the poster you're quoting but not the OP. Are you honestly saying that if my FIL was disrespectful and sexist to me in my own house and my husband does not kick him out HIMSELF that I should be understanding and respectful of the sacrifice he's making??

SIGH...I am saying that this is your DH's FATHER, not some college frat brother. Your DH is in the middle of a difficult situation between 2 people he loves. You have made the situation about you when, honestly, there is no long term impact for you after the FIL is banned. So... I do not care if your FIL is the personification of Lucifer himself, as your DH's partner, you SHOULD understand that your DH's relationship with his FATHER will be never be the same. And that it may have a negative impact on your DH emotionally. It may be FIL's fault 100% but who cares. DW won the battle and that's fine, but a symphathetic DW who cares about her DH will at least acknowledge that DH may actually be hurt by the whole situation.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to give you actual advice since everyone else is so focused on other things.

- You probably need to come to terms with this potentially being a reality. DH is not going to tell his parents they cant move to the city and see him, you or their grandkids. It just wont happen and it isnt fair to expect him to.

- You need to focus on the top 2 or 3 things that really grind your gears and have a sit down with the parents before they move. This will be awkward as hell (trust me I did it) but its necessary. In our case, it was my DW's family who moved here from Utah and they are much wealthier - and conservative - than us. So they spoiled the kids too much and their "I HATE BAMA" rhetoric was a bit uncomfortable around our mostly democratic friends. We sat them down and explained that buying the kids $100 worth of stuff every time they saw them wasn't cool because it wasnt something we could sustain and wasnt what we wanted to teach them. We did the same with 2 or 3 other nits (goddamnit, yes, you need a car seat if you are gonna pick the kids up)

- Recognize its going to be an evolution that will take time. Some things you will NEVER change. Her parents will always be republican and will always hate obama - we will never agree on some of that stuff. Other things like their overspending - we can and have fixed. Decide what battles you will fight and which you wont

- Throwing your DH an ultimatum is an awful idea, it will just put him in the middle and force him to pick between his wife and family and his parents. Dont do that to him.

[Anonymous]

Start prepping for being a single mom. This will ultimately lead to divorce....

[Anonymous]

Gird your loins mama - you need to decide where your boundaries and values are, and enforce them rigorously. You don't need to get divorced - just be adamant about not letting FIL get away with bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Threaten the divorce RIGHT NOW. It's not going to stop them coming but it should create enough of a crisis in your marriage to get you both to therapy and get some guidelines laid out when they arrive.

No matter what you think DH is hearing, he will not stick to any "compromises" unless he knows that this is potentially marriage ending.

Otherwise, I guarantee you - he will placate you in this fight. But when they get here, they will band together and you will be the outsider. DH will take their side on everything and then in 10 years when the respect has long gone from your marriage, you will be agonizing over whether or not to leave.

[Anonymous]

How's it going, OP??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gird your loins mama - you need to decide where your boundaries and values are, and enforce them rigorously. You don't need to get divorced - just be adamant about not letting FIL get away with bad behavior.

That's right. If your husband won't stand up for you, stand up for yourself. Begin with politeness, "that remark was inappropriate...". If that doesn't work, calmly ask him to leave your house. Of course you should be sympathetic to your husband, but you should not have to take insults for one second in your own home.