ILs moving to DC: Help!

[Anonymous]

ILs visited us for Passover and happily announced that they are moving to Maryland this summer after FIL retires. I absolutely, utterly cannot stand my FIL. The man annoys me, and trust me, I am not that easily annoyed even my DS plays violin or bangs on his drums, I hate being around him. He's incredibly selfish, makes everything to be abouthim and treats MIL as his slave. For years she had to take care of his parents who were really mean to her, yet he never, ever took her mother to the hospital or visited her. Hell, he even scheduled a meeting on the day of her funeral. Whenever we go out somewhere, he is the one to choose the restaurant, whether or not we like the food there. He doesn't do anything with his grandkids whenever we ask and is basically a chauvinistic pig. Hell, he couldn't even clean up kids' noses when they were little. His wife would be lying in bed with a fever and yet, he would expect her to cook for him, clean for him, and she was no housewife, she worked full-time. I made it clear to DH that I don't think it is such a good idea and he got really offended, we haven't spoken to each since last night. I don't want him around, I don't want to take care of him and yes, I will seriously consider divorcing my DH if he moves here permanently. I can tolerate him for no more than 2 days. What can I do?

[Anonymous]

How far away would they be from you? They're not planning to move in next door are they? If they are in their own space, it's very different than when they visit you.

[Anonymous]

OP: we live in Bethesda, they are considering Silver Spring, Rockville and Gaithesburg areas. For me it is still too close.

[Anonymous]

You have made up your mind to hate your father in law and nothing's going to change that except your mindset.

What has he done to you? You are focusing on how he treats your MIL, but she is a party to that too. People treat us how we let them and that's none of your business.

It seems like it will be nice to have your MIL around. Focus on the positives. It's always nice to have family close by for many reasons.

It's not like they are moving in with you. Also just because someone says they are moving does not make it a sure thing.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you would divorce your husband over something that is not even his decision?

[Anonymous]

OP here. He is disrespectful to me whenever I am talking to my children. He is always, and I mean, ALWAYS questioning my parenting tactics, from how much time I spend helping kids with their school projects to how involved they are in their extracurricular activities. If it was up to him, they would be sitting in front of the TV with a bowl full of candy. Whenever my kids hang around him, they are always overstimulated, agitated and often aggressive towards us and each other. He's simply too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you would divorce your husband over something that is not even his decision?

He fully supports that decision, so yes, it is his decision for them to move 20 minutes away from us.

And if you think they will be picking up the kids from school, taking them to soccer and piano practice - forget it. They are here and I quote, "to enjoy being close to us."

[Anonymous]

Focus on the behaviors. And make your husband do the fighting. That is the key to all of this. People don't divorce their spouse because ILs move nearby. They divorce because their spouse is not supportive and undermines the other spouse.

If FIL criticizes your parenting, it's your husband who needs to respond: "Dad, you need to keep your comments to yourself. Suzie and I make the decisions about how to raise our kids and we'll let you know if we need your opinion." Husband needs to be "Team Suzie."

If you're worried about the kids getting overstimulated, then limit the time they spend with grandparents.

If you don't want to listen to FIL or have him in your home, figure out a schedule with your husband, ie one dinner a month with them. If he insists that they come over more, then you leave and he can host dinner for his parents. No law saying you have to be present.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand, OP. A large part of why we moved to the area was to get away from the dreaded ILs. Occasionally they make noise about following us and it makes my blood run cold in my veins. No advice, just sympathy.

[Anonymous]

I guess you have to accept that they are moving here. If I were you I'd just figure out ways to avoid them. And I definitely wouldn't let the FIL get his way anymore. You should also tell your hubby that you don't think that his dad is good for the kids. Your hubby might not see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus on the behaviors. And make your husband do the fighting. That is the key to all of this. People don't divorce their spouse because ILs move nearby. They divorce because their spouse is not supportive and undermines the other spouse.

If FIL criticizes your parenting, it's your husband who needs to respond: "Dad, you need to keep your comments to yourself. Suzie and I make the decisions about how to raise our kids and we'll let you know if we need your opinion." Husband needs to be "Team Suzie."

If you're worried about the kids getting overstimulated, then limit the time they spend with grandparents.

If you don't want to listen to FIL or have him in your home, figure out a schedule with your husband, ie one dinner a month with them. If he insists that they come over more, then you leave and he can host dinner for his parents. No law saying you have to be present.

The PP is right. You need DH on your team whether the ILs are 5 miles away or 500. And it sounds like it is long past overdue for you to set some boundaries and speak up for yourselves.

You and DH need to talk about what's acceptable behavior and what isn't...and from there I think the point you want to make is that their lives shouldn't revolve around yours. It's not healthy to put that burden and expectation on you. I would hope DH would be able to have a conversation where he says that you all will be glad to have them nearby, but what research have they done about meeting all their needs/wants here, not just the need/want of being closer to family? Put it back on them that their lives are still theirs to direct, not yours.

Tell DH that if FIL continues to treat you poorly, FIL won't be welcome in your home. You can't control who moves where, but you can control who enters your home and keep those who act horribly to you out.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to figure out how to deal with your husband on this issue. Obviously he is not in control of where his parents move. Could he be less supportive of their decision? Maybe, but that that would make him a jerk also. Maybe he's actually happy his parents are moving closer to him.

Your FIL sounds like my grandfather. We were all walking on eggshells around him for years. My grandmother (before she got sick) catered to his every whim and made excuses for his shitty behavior. It was horrible to watch and I always felt shitty for participating in it. But it wasn't my relationship, so my take home message was that that was not the kind of marriage I personally wanted. I think the dynamic changes a lot when you're not on visitor-host terms. When family comes to visit us, it's often assumed that our regular routines should just stop. That everyone is suddenly on vacation together. I haven't had family move to the area, but I have had friends move to the area who have had similar assumptions when they've visited. The best you can do is establish your family routines independent of what your in laws are up to. This is why I say that you need to work on things WITH your husband. Throwing ultimatums at him and being as unwilling to compromise as he is to discuss is not going to win you any support - from him or anyone on this board. You need to figure out how to have this conversation respectfully with your husband like grown up partners.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to maintain appropriate boundaries with your soon-to-be local in laws. You could schedule a weekly dinner or brunch. You could schedule your husband and kids to go over and visit with his parents while you do something unrelated. They will only be as involved as you let them be. What you need to deal with is being on the same team as your husband. That will involve being a hell of a lot more grown up than threatening to divorce him and not speaking to him when he disagrees with you.

[Anonymous]

If OP tells her DH that FIL is not welcome in their house unless he does XYZ, DH may say, "well, I don't want to see your parents here." It sucks but that's the way a lot of DHs are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP tells her DH that FIL is not welcome in their house unless he does XYZ, DH may say, "well, I don't want to see your parents here." It sucks but that's the way a lot of DHs are.

If I told my partner that his dad was not welcome in our house because his dad was disrespecting me, and his response was "well, I don't want to see your parents here" in a purely retaliatory way, rather than something related to disrespectful behavior toward him, I would be shocked that I'd married a vindictive child instead of the mature adult I thought I was getting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you would divorce your husband over something that is not even his decision?

He fully supports that decision, so yes, it is his decision for them to move 20 minutes away from us.

And if you think they will be picking up the kids from school, taking them to soccer and piano practice - forget it. They are here and I quote, "to enjoy being close to us."

Lady, you're a piece of work. He has no say in what his parents decide to do after retirement. Its not a crime to want your parents nearby. Get a grip.