How to gracefully decline social invitations for financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

If you want to have a social life, I think you are going to need to get over your shame about your home, and also be really proactive about doing the inviting.

1) Have people over (If you can't afford to provide a full meal, have people over at non-meal time for light snacks, or host a potluck)

2) Meet at the park (friends can bring their starbucks, you can bring stuff from home)

3) Plan for free/low cost activities and invite others (check out passes to museums from the library, watch for free concerts and free museum days and plan to go with friends on those days)

For big stuff, like if your friends are planning a weekend at the beach, I think it's fine to say "Oh that sounds fun, but it's not in our budget this year." For smaller stuff, it's probably better to just politely decline, but I would decline with a follow up invitation, "We aren't free to go out to lunch, but we'd love to meet up in the park."

I agree with the pp who said that you shouldn't assume the worst about your current friends. Just give it some time, if people are still friendly that's great, and if they do drop you, find some new friends. There are plenty of poor people who have active social lives. There are plenty of people who would like to be able to socialized without spending a ton of money. There are plenty of people who would just be happy to be invited. Instead of spending money, you'll need to spend energy finding those people.

[Anonymous]

People who judge you for size of home aren't worth having as friends. But I really doubt anyone actually is. Plenty of people live well below their means because they'd rather have $$$ in the bank anyway.

I would say something like: we can't do x because we're on a tight budget, but we'd love to do something else. Then they know for the future. And this says nothing about your financial situation. For all they know, you're saving up for a vacation home or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not want to be friends with someone who judged me because I had a small house. Are there that many people who judge people for having a small house? That's pretty lame. My bigger issue is people who like to split the bill in restaurants. I want to be like "uh, do you think I ordered a garden salad and tap water because that was my top choice?" I order less and pay less. If they want to call me cheap behind my back, so be it. They ain't paying my credit card bill.

Up to a point.... That type of stuff cuts both ways...

If its a group of 6 people or something and you want to be the one person who says you owe $19 instead of $24, rather than just splitting the bill, I find that pretty irritating... and inevitably they person who does this usually doesnt end up paying their fair share anyway. Rounding a $9.50 garden salad up to $10 isn't going to cover tax and tip. Happens every time. You always end up counting money and somehow you are $40 short and everyone just sort of looks at the floor and says 'I only ate bread' or whatever. So of course someone ends up having to cover the extra $40. I've had people get into how much of the wine they owe because they had 2 glasses and some other couple had 3 glasses. Okay, so now we are going to sit at this fucking table dividing a $22 bottle of wine by the number of glasses people had?

Similarly - and to your point - I find it really irritating when someone orders the most expensive thing on the entire menu - Oh yes sir, I'll have the surf and turf for $64 - and then wants to split the bill evenly. I NEVER pull that shit. If I order a $50 porterhouse steak, I'm going to offer to pay more than the even split because I'm not a total fuckhead. I remember one couple we went out with both ordered surf and turf - then asked us what kind of wine we liked - we said white, they said 'oh we prefer red', and proceeded to a bottle which they drank entirely on their own. The bill came and our total was maybe $60 - there's was more like $180. We split the bill evenly cause I didnt want to be 'that guy', but we've never been out with them again. I'm pretty sure they just invited us as a way to cushion their expense.

Point is, be reasonable on both sides of that equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I agree with this poster - maybe you need new friends if your friends can't understand that not everyone can afford everything. And real friends shouldn't be judging your small house.

I'll pile on this point by saying that hardly anyone cares about your financial situation. Only an awful person would hold your modest lifestyle against you (and you probably distanced yourself from them back in 11th grade).

While I completely agree, I do see this happen all the time. I dont think its a "hold it against you" kind of thing as much as a being in a fundamentally different spot. Couple A with the beamer and weekend nanny want to take the kids to see Disney on Ice. Couple B with the 88 pontiac might not. Couple A might not be looking down on couple B, but they will still want to go to the show, so I know a lot of couples who would just invite someone else to come along when Couple B says no thanks. They might not even realize couple B said no for financial reasons.

I'd say this is the best description of it. We just gradually drift away from these types of people ("Couple A") b/c our lifestyles are just not compatible. While we don't have an '88 Pontiac, we are more like "Couple B"!

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it, but folks have limited time to socialize and if the couples have different entertainment budgets, it will limit the time spent. I like to "just hang out" with our neighborhood friends who don't spend money going out, but I do not want to have a social life entirely made up of free nights. I want to go out to a new restaurant, I like the Kennedy Center, I like Blues Alley.

[Anonymous]

Pp here re splitting check. I make 37,000 dollars a year representing indigent clients. I figure out what I owe and add thirty percent to cover tax and tip. If my friends who make more money dont want to hang out with me because I can't afford to subsidize their steak and three drinks that they can afford because they make hundreds of thousands of dollars defending corporations, they can stop being friends with me. I should not have to go into credit card debt to hang out with my friends. And yes, they want to go to fancy restaurants, and I am happy to go and hang out with them and eat less and pay less.

[Anonymous]

Pp again re splitting check. As 1046 said, he wants to go to a new restaurant. By itemizing the check, I can afford it, and he gets to go to the restaurant. He would probably prefer that to splitting the bill at corner bakery.

[Anonymous]

In the end true friends don't care about what you have. They want to spend time with you. Find out who you're true friends are and don't worry about the other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We can be friends!! My house is shit!! I have crabgrass and all manner of weeds out front too. Also, the lights flicker if i turn on my laundry. For dinner I'll cook you pasta. It might not be fancy, but goddamnit you are gonna like it cause its fucking delicious as hell. There is also wine. Copious amounts.

Hee hee. Love your style. We have a tiny fixer upper and I used to refuse people to come over and would say way. I have friends with grand houses and I am far more bothered by it than others. We don't have to watch our budget as much as the OP but we don't overspend either.

Anyone decent would be fine with just going to the park, zoo or somewhere else low cost. We have a zoo membership so I'd absolutely agree to that over a germ infested bounce house, even though we like those too.

[Anonymous]

We should hold our heads high and be proud individuals regardless of our finances. It is much more important to be a person who is knowledgable, interesting, and well spoken. and Also, that abundance of wine is always a plus


When people carry and present themselves as knowledgable and refined people, it is difficult to be influenced by any lack material trinkets.

People who've had a couple glasses of wine are far more fun than gazing at expensive wall hangings all night long.

[Anonymous]

10:34, I think I love you!

OP, I agree with the PPs who've said you need to look for other, lower cost opportunities for socializing. And maintain or find some friends who are more interested in seeing you, than in seeing how much money you've got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the end true friends don't care about what you have. They want to spend time with you. Find out who you're true friends are and don't worry about the other people.

This is completely true. It's also true that you need to be ready to offer alternatives to things that cost money or people who have the money to spend will drift away because they will spend more time with families who want to go to Disney on Ice or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not want to be friends with someone who judged me because I had a small house. Are there that many people who judge people for having a small house? That's pretty lame. My bigger issue is people who like to split the bill in restaurants. I want to be like "uh, do you think I ordered a garden salad and tap water because that was my top choice?" I order less and pay less. If they want to call me cheap behind my back, so be it. They ain't paying my credit card bill.

Up to a point.... That type of stuff cuts both ways...

If its a group of 6 people or something and you want to be the one person who says you owe $19 instead of $24, rather than just splitting the bill, I find that pretty irritating... and inevitably they person who does this usually doesnt end up paying their fair share anyway. Rounding a $9.50 garden salad up to $10 isn't going to cover tax and tip. Happens every time. You always end up counting money and somehow you are $40 short and everyone just sort of looks at the floor and says 'I only ate bread' or whatever. So of course someone ends up having to cover the extra $40. I've had people get into how much of the wine they owe because they had 2 glasses and some other couple had 3 glasses. Okay, so now we are going to sit at this fucking table dividing a $22 bottle of wine by the number of glasses people had?

Similarly - and to your point - I find it really irritating when someone orders the most expensive thing on the entire menu - Oh yes sir, I'll have the surf and turf for $64 - and then wants to split the bill evenly. I NEVER pull that shit. If I order a $50 porterhouse steak, I'm going to offer to pay more than the even split because I'm not a total fuckhead. I remember one couple we went out with both ordered surf and turf - then asked us what kind of wine we liked - we said white, they said 'oh we prefer red', and proceeded to a bottle which they drank entirely on their own. The bill came and our total was maybe $60 - there's was more like $180. We split the bill evenly cause I didnt want to be 'that guy', but we've never been out with them again. I'm pretty sure they just invited us as a way to cushion their expense.

Point is, be reasonable on both sides of that equation.

I have to agree on this. We went to PF Changs when it was the new place to eat (we lived in a different city) and DH and I ordered 3 or 4 things for us to share. Couple with us ordered one thing to share. It was so awkward. When the bill came, we made the mistake of covering ours in cash including tax and tip so the other couple simply paid the difference and left a $3 tip. We wouldn't have known any better if the waiter didn't flag us down as we were leaving asking why he got such a lousy tip so we then paid even more. Never went out with that couple again more because it was just irritating.

To the OP, I feel ya' on this though. For us, we have friends that invite our child to classes we simply can't afford and they do like 20 of them. I just say they conflict or when they are really pricy that it's just not in our budget since we have two kids. We've still been able to maintain our friendship but she's dripping with money which is one thing we are not!

[Anonymous]

It's pretty simple arithmetic. Figure out what you owe and add thirty percent. Count at end to make sure waiter is getting sufficient tip.

[Anonymous]

Um, are you suggesting the other couple should have split the bill even though you ordered four dishes and they ordered one??