How to gracefully decline social invitations for financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

My family has a lot of debt and finances are very, very tight and will be for the foreseeable future, maybe forever. Most people in our social circle do not seem to have money problems to speak of -- they go on vacations, live in large houses, in some cases drive nice cars, and can afford to get a babysitter and go out to eat. We do not have/cannot do any of these things and won't ever be able to. Even little things like taking the kids to frozen yogurt or to a bounce house would have to be a very occasional treat for us, not an everyday occurrence. Any advice on how to gracefully decline the constant invitations to spend money I don't have without seeming antisocial or rude? I have pretty much stopped inviting anyone over to our home because it is too embarrassing to me for them to see our tiny house and how our children have to share a room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family has a lot of debt and finances are very, very tight and will be for the foreseeable future, maybe forever. Most people in our social circle do not seem to have money problems to speak of -- they go on vacations, live in large houses, in some cases drive nice cars, and can afford to get a babysitter and go out to eat. We do not have/cannot do any of these things and won't ever be able to. Even little things like taking the kids to frozen yogurt or to a bounce house would have to be a very occasional treat for us, not an everyday occurrence. Any advice on how to gracefully decline the constant invitations to spend money I don't have without seeming antisocial or rude? I have pretty much stopped inviting anyone over to our home because it is too embarrassing to me for them to see our tiny house and how our children have to share a room.

We used to be in this boat. We started to invite friends over anyway and hosted them the best that we could. It's fine. We simply decline activities that we can't afford. Our friends understand and, really, it's fine. Our friends understand that some people have more money than others. Don't let embarrassment rule your life; your kids will pick up on this and may begin to live a life of "not enough" instead of "abundance".

[Anonymous]

I agree-- just say you're sorry you can't make it and try to offer to host. (Our house is tiny too, but it's partly because we'd rather a small house close in than a larger house further out).

[Anonymous]

Here's another thought, OP. Can you make plans to do a picnic or maybe take the kids to the zoo or free museum? Summer concerts are often free and loads of fun. I hope you can think of some creative ways to stay connected socially. It can be lonely to have to isolate yourself completely!

[Anonymous]

My children share a room in our tiny fixer-upper in a lovely neighborhood near downtown Bethesda. I love my dollhouse and am proud to show my friends our latest little renovations and decorations.

My friends know that we watch every penny, because I tell them in casual conversation! We don't have a TV, rarely go out, and when we do, arrange for other friendly parents to babysit - we have no family to help out in this area. Our kind friends thus invite us to things that we can afford, and we have lots of fun together.

Why would you be ashamed of your lifestyle???
Or maybe you need new friends?

As for the answer to your question, just say: "I'm sorry, we would love to, but it's a little expensive for us. What about doing this instead?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My children share a room in our tiny fixer-upper in a lovely neighborhood near downtown Bethesda. I love my dollhouse and am proud to show my friends our latest little renovations and decorations.

My friends know that we watch every penny, because I tell them in casual conversation! We don't have a TV, rarely go out, and when we do, arrange for other friendly parents to babysit - we have no family to help out in this area. Our kind friends thus invite us to things that we can afford, and we have lots of fun together.

Why would you be ashamed of your lifestyle???
Or maybe you need new friends?

As for the answer to your question, just say: "I'm sorry, we would love to, but it's a little expensive for us. What about doing this instead?"

I agree with this poster - maybe you need new friends if your friends can't understand that not everyone can afford everything. And real friends shouldn't be judging your small house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I agree with this poster - maybe you need new friends if your friends can't understand that not everyone can afford everything. And real friends shouldn't be judging your small house.

I'll pile on this point by saying that hardly anyone cares about your financial situation. Only an awful person would hold your modest lifestyle against you (and you probably distanced yourself from them back in 11th grade).

[Anonymous]

We can be friends!! My house is shit!! I have crabgrass and all manner of weeds out front too. Also, the lights flicker if i turn on my laundry. For dinner I'll cook you pasta. It might not be fancy, but goddamnit you are gonna like it cause its fucking delicious as hell. There is also wine. Copious amounts.

[Anonymous]

You should just politely decline without mentioning that it's for financial reasons. It is awkward and unnecessary to bring up money as the reason.

I ditto the others saying try not to feel embarrassed about your house and life. If your friends are really judging you for having a small house and your kids sharing a room, they are shallow people and you need new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should just politely decline without mentioning that it's for financial reasons. It is awkward and unnecessary to bring up money as the reason.

I ditto the others saying try not to feel embarrassed about your house and life. If your friends are really judging you for having a small house and your kids sharing a room, they are shallow people and you need new friends.

Ya I just always say we can't for various reasons but I also always invite them over for a playdate or dinner or whatever. I can make homemade pizza for super cheap and it's always a hit despite sitting in my family room since my 1100 sq ft house has no eat in kitchen! Don't sweat it OP not everyone is rolling in it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I agree with this poster - maybe you need new friends if your friends can't understand that not everyone can afford everything. And real friends shouldn't be judging your small house.

I'll pile on this point by saying that hardly anyone cares about your financial situation. Only an awful person would hold your modest lifestyle against you (and you probably distanced yourself from them back in 11th grade).

While I completely agree, I do see this happen all the time. I dont think its a "hold it against you" kind of thing as much as a being in a fundamentally different spot. Couple A with the beamer and weekend nanny want to take the kids to see Disney on Ice. Couple B with the 88 pontiac might not. Couple A might not be looking down on couple B, but they will still want to go to the show, so I know a lot of couples who would just invite someone else to come along when Couple B says no thanks. They might not even realize couple B said no for financial reasons.

Its a tough spot because obviously you dont want to broadcast your financial troubles, nor of course do you want to loose a friend. My advice is to tell them that you guys are trying to save as much for college as possible or something of the sort (never mind that might not be true) and just use that as the 'excuse' to do something less 'fancy'. Point is....before you kick all your friends to the curb, figure out which ones are actually dickfucks who wont be your friend because your paycheck isnt big enough and which ones are just oblivious and dont even realize. I dont think we make a lot, and half the time I feel like I'm the poor one who can't afford shit ("Oh your kids are going to summer camp for 3 weeks? Mine are going to "Mow the fucking lawn and take out the trash every week" camp this summer).... and half the time I have to remind myself that relative to some of other friends, *having* a lawn to mow makes me rich to them.

[Anonymous]

15:59 is correct. Refuse too many invitations, and anyone's going to think, "I don't think XYZ likes us all that much. Let's stop inviting XYZ."

Propose alternatives that are lower cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:59 is correct. Refuse too many invitations, and anyone's going to think, "I don't think XYZ likes us all that much. Let's stop inviting XYZ."

Propose alternatives that are lower cost.

Yeah, definitely don't make it about money. "Oh, that sounds awesome, but we can't! Thanks so much for thinking of us, though. Are you free to go do something next weekend?"

And as far as your house-if you want to be proud of it, make it welcoming, really clean, etc., and it will be a nice place to be and visit. No one needs to know if you save all your money or if you don't have much money, so try to remember that your house doesn't necessarily reflect anything to anyone. (Except, I guess, really snotty people and I'm assuming you'd rather not hang out with them, anyway.)

[Anonymous]

I would not want to be friends with someone who judged me because I had a small house. Are there that many people who judge people for having a small house? That's pretty lame. My bigger issue is people who like to split the bill in restaurants. I want to be like "uh, do you think I ordered a garden salad and tap water because that was my top choice?" I order less and pay less. If they want to call me cheap behind my back, so be it. They ain't paying my credit card bill.

[Anonymous]

As a white kid from west of the park who grew up going to a public school with lots of OOB kids, I actually grew up feeling slightly worried that people would think that I was spoiled and stuck up for having a big house. I was a little jealous of my friends who lived in apartments, I thought that was cool.