Am I Overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has no history of abusing you I think you are overreacting. Men are wired to be a little violent. Restraining you on one occasion if never repeated is really not such a big deal. You can all scream as much as you like but from a male perspective, I think you need to cool it.

Please dont listen to this idiot!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has no history of abusing you I think you are overreacting. Men are wired to be a little violent. Restraining you on one occasion if never repeated is really not such a big deal. You can all scream as much as you like but from a male perspective, I think you need to cool it.

You do yourself a disservice when you expect so little of yourself. That, and you're an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're under-reacting.

I agree. I assume that you are in love and I understand strong partnerships and feelings, but this love of your life just broke something sacred, 100x worse than any affair, he hit you. Say it out loud. He shoved me, he threw me down on the bed, he held me hostage with his physical stength and threatened more violence only to pretend that it wasn't a big deal and suggested make-up sex through manipulation of your love?!?

Is this really the first time? I wish you the strength to find a path to safety, calm and solace. Please keep posting OP and find your strength. I know you can do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has no history of abusing you I think you are overreacting. Men are wired to be a little violent. Restraining you on one occasion if never repeated is really not such a big deal. You can all scream as much as you like but from a male perspective, I think you need to cool it.

You do yourself a disservice when you expect so little of yourself. That, and you're an asshole.

NP. OP has told a one-sided story and has emphasized the physicality of the episode. But it seems like the husband was not being offensively aggressive but was insisting that they keep working on their disagreement. It was a bad approach and shouldn't have been done, but this was different from hitting a spouse, etc. He isn't necessarily an abuser or remotely similar to wife beaters.

[Anonymous]

Under-reacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has no history of abusing you I think you are overreacting. Men are wired to be a little violent. Restraining you on one occasion if never repeated is really not such a big deal. You can all scream as much as you like but from a male perspective, I think you need to cool it.

You do yourself a disservice when you expect so little of yourself. That, and you're an asshole.

NP. OP has told a one-sided story and has emphasized the physicality of the episode. But it seems like the husband was not being offensively aggressive but was insisting that they keep working on their disagreement. It was a bad approach and shouldn't have been done, but this was different from hitting a spouse, etc. He isn't necessarily an abuser or remotely similar to wife beaters.

I think the OP gets to decide that, don't you? In other words, the person being pinned, unable to move, and overpowered physically gets to decide if it's "offensively aggressive." Nice deflection and choice of words by the way.

[Anonymous]

I think it is very disturbing and inappropriate. I would explain that it can never happen again, or you are leaving. I would not leave if it happened only one time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is very disturbing and inappropriate. I would explain that it can never happen again, or you are leaving. I would not leave if it happened only one time.

Ditto. OP, set up an exit plan, so you CAN leave, if this happens again.
The make-up sex thing is a big red flag.

[Anonymous]

If he has no history of abusing you I think you are overreacting. Men are wired to be a little violent. Restraining you on one occasion if never repeated is really not such a big deal. You can all scream as much as you like but from a male perspective, I think you need to cool it.

This is exactly the attitude you have to avoid OP! In a sense, this asshole has done us all a service by posting because it shows exactly the type of bullshit rationalizations that enable abuse: e.g. YOU are overreacting, it's not a "big deal," ALL men are just "wired to be violent," Restraining /=/ "real" violence, it won't be repeated. I mean you have the greatest hits of dangerous excuses right in one place!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If he has no history of abusing you I think you are overreacting. Men are wired to be a little violent. Restraining you on one occasion if never repeated is really not such a big deal. You can all scream as much as you like but from a male perspective, I think you need to cool it.

This is exactly the attitude you have to avoid OP! In a sense, this asshole has done us all a service by posting because it shows exactly the type of bullshit rationalizations that enable abuse: e.g. YOU are overreacting, it's not a "big deal," ALL men are just "wired to be violent," Restraining /=/ "real" violence, it won't be repeated. I mean you have the greatest hits of dangerous excuses right in one place!

I have to agree with this. In fact I find it quite sad that there are men out there who actually beleive this. OP, good luck and I hope that it all works.

[Anonymous]

** works out **

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

What's scary here is he seemed to justify the pushing with an intimidating assertion that if he wanted to hurt you, he could. All before apologizing. I would make clear that this is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it, but with a tone that you want to learn to avoid future escalations together. I would suggest couples therapy, if you think it would help. Did he black out?

And the fact that he also tried to justify his shoving you on the bed with the fact that he was mad. "I was mad so I slapped you", "I was mad so I punched you". Please pay attention to this OP. A person who is genuinely sorry will say that without rationalizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has no history of abusing you I think you are overreacting. Men are wired to be a little violent. Restraining you on one occasion if never repeated is really not such a big deal. You can all scream as much as you like but from a male perspective, I think you need to cool it.

This is total bullshit. It doesn't matter how men are wired (and saying you're wired that way is just another bullshit excuse), hitting other people (or shoving or pushing or kicking or holding down while they scream and try to get away) is a crime which means that society does not see this behavior as acceptable. There is no need for an adult to ever "restrain" another adult unless they are preventing that person from hurting someone. Further, that is not what happened here: he pushed her into a room, shoved her down, and held her on the bed. That's abusive, and it doesn't matter that our fathers/brothers/uncles do it or that it happens all the time on TV, it's not acceptable.

I am a woman who grew up in an abusive family and when I get angry I scream and yell and have no doubt that I am capable of violence, since I am "wired" that way from what I learned in my family. The difference between me and you is that I don't use that as a justification for abuse, I use that as a reason to do whatever it is I need to do to not repeat that cycle in my own family. I don't hit my child and I don't shove or hit my spouse. How much rage I feel inside is my own problem, not something to justify abusing other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has no history of abusing you I think you are overreacting. Men are wired to be a little violent. Restraining you on one occasion if never repeated is really not such a big deal. You can all scream as much as you like but from a male perspective, I think you need to cool it.

You do yourself a disservice when you expect so little of yourself. That, and you're an asshole.

NP. OP has told a one-sided story and has emphasized the physicality of the episode. But it seems like the husband was not being offensively aggressive but was insisting that they keep working on their disagreement. It was a bad approach and shouldn't have been done, but this was different from hitting a spouse, etc. He isn't necessarily an abuser or remotely similar to wife beaters.

He is exactly like an abuser. He pushed her, shoved her down, and held her there while she was screaming. He then interrogated her perceptions and refused to take her seriously unless she could exactly replicate the hold he was using, as if the specific position of his hands was the problem. Any normal person would have been shocked into stopping by OP hitting him back and telling him to keep her hands off her, if indeed the first push was unintentional or unaware. If that didn't stop a person, having someone you love screaming in fear because of something you are doing should have done the trick. Finally, if you were too dense to understand what that reaction meant, the thing to do is apologize when someone tells you that you've hurt and scared them. Her husband did none of these, and that is abusive.

I really hope your wives are reading this and thinking about whether they've heard these bullshit justifications come out of your mouths and what that means for their own marriages.

OP, take a hard look at this and be honest with yourself about your DH's behaviors. They will escalate (they ARE escalating) and you need to take them seriously. He is not going to calmly let you and your daughter walk away from this, so you need to be careful and prepare well in advance. Start by clearing your browsing history each and every time you check the internet, because he is going to come straight to this thread.

http://www.helpingservices.org/Domestic_Sexual_Abuse/power-control-wheel-domestic-violence.shtml

[Anonymous]

OP here -

For the comment in reference to 'men wired to be violent'....i'm sorry, but that is pure nonsense. Us humans have a thing call free will, the right to choose. Men are not robots. Any person has the choice to react a certain way, but that is never an excuse to be violent towards another person. If you sir are 'wired' to give way to violent tendencies, then I suggest you get rewired! My reason for posting was not to look for an excuse for his actions, I feel they were inappropriate, but to see if red flags really should be going off in my mind. I don't want to mistakenly sweep something under the rug when warning signs are there. But at the same time, I don't want to jump to unnecessary conclusions. Thank you all for your encouraging posts.