How can I be a good mom when I hate my SIL?

[Anonymous]

I don't think being a good parent depends on having a good relationship with ILs. If it did, all of DCUM would be effed. OP, if your household is like many others, women make the plans for their family. You don't have to engage in a full out battle, just stop helping. If your SIL calls you directly to make plans for something, either tell her you guys can't make it or tell her thanks for the invite, get the details *this part is key*, and then say you will check things out with the husband and call her back. As long as you have gotten the details, you can plan your contact. Once you have your plan, involve your husband and call her back.

For example, if she calls and says, the plan is we are all going to the 5pm children's mass, then dinner, then gift opening, and everyone is spending the night. You have 2 choices.

#1: Oh sorry, Amy, but our plans for Christmas Eve are already made. (Note: DO NOT get into any discussion of dropping off gifts, etc. Just say no thanks. She may ask what your plans are DO NOT commit to anything specific. "We are keeping things quieter this year." "Our kids make things difficult for everyone when they are off schedule.")

#2: Sounds wonderful, Amy. I promised my mom we would do Christmas mass with her this year, so we will plan on heading to your place for the gift opening, but we will be leaving after. We prefer to wake up at home for Christmas morning.

If she doesn't call you to make plans as a matter of course, think about the following...

As women, I think we were trained to be helpful and to make things happen. So that's what we do...even if we don't whatever the thing is to happen. Just stop helping. Stop filling in the next step for people. If your husband asks what are we doing with my family for the holidays or have you talked to my MIL/SIL about it. Just look up from the dishwasher or your book and say, "No." Go back to what you are doing. Chances are your husband will shrug and walk away. If he doesn't or if he presses, say, "Things were such a knee-walking disaster last year, I will wait to hear from them." If your husband doesn't understand why you don't like his family say, "I haven't heard from anyone yet. I am sure SIL/MIL will call soon. If you are concerned about it, feel free to get things going." Be pleasant and cheerful during this exchange -- it can't sound like "Eff you and your effing family. I don't care if we never see those aholes."

I started doing this with my MIL several years ago. I make the plans for what is important to me. I leave it to my husband to make plans the rest of the time. I am down to seeing her 3 or 4 times per year and she lives locally. My husband makes his own plans to see her without me whenever he wants to and he takes our kids with us so nobody can say that I am keeping my children from her. I am simply preserving my sanity.

[Anonymous]

omg - Thank you for this thread, OP. It sounds like we are related (and to some of the other PPs, too).

My SIL is ALWAYS the one to start trouble (every fight that ever occurs in their family starts with her). This last dramafest, I thought - yes, this does not involve me AT ALL. I'm in the clear. Well, she managed to try to pull me in. I refused to engage, but she complained to her mother (my MIL) about her brother/me. My husband (much to my surprise) stood up to his mother/sister and refused to let them say a word about me. He said, this does not involve her. She did nothing to anyone. Why do you think it's ok to treat her this way?

This is HUGE for my DH. He is really, really close to his mother and I never thought he'd stand up to them.

Anyway, they invited wine for a reason. Enjoy and let your miserable SILs stew in their own juices

[Anonymous]

11:57 this is OP - and this thread is making me feel way more normal too. Thank goodness for DCUM. It breaks my heart to read your post though because what I wish more than anything is that my DH would stand up for me (without me having to prod him to) in the way you are describing. He has stepped in and said such things to SIL in the past, but only after huge fights between me and DH in which I basically told him to do so. So in a lot of ways I feel very alone in the situation because my ILs are too effed up to deal with SIL among themselves and when she does lash out at me DH won't stick up for me. There are so many good suggestions on this thread though, I am sure they will help next time I am in this situation with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:57 this is OP - and this thread is making me feel way more normal too. Thank goodness for DCUM. It breaks my heart to read your post though because what I wish more than anything is that my DH would stand up for me (without me having to prod him to) in the way you are describing. He has stepped in and said such things to SIL in the past, but only after huge fights between me and DH in which I basically told him to do so. So in a lot of ways I feel very alone in the situation because my ILs are too effed up to deal with SIL among themselves and when she does lash out at me DH won't stick up for me. There are so many good suggestions on this thread though, I am sure they will help next time I am in this situation with her.

I'm glad this thread is providing some validation for you, OP. It can be really, really, REALLY hard for some one to break out of role/pattern that has been in place their entire life, even if rationally they know it's correct, and that's what it sounds like is happening with your DH.

Some time you should try to sit down with him (not immediately after a bad visit) and calmly discuss how difficult it is for you when he is not able to provide support when his SIL is attacking you (not when she's being annoying in general, because in the grand scheme of things--not a big deal--but when she is actively attacking you). Suggest that the two of you need to come up with some strategies for how to deal with these situations when they come up. Again, I'm talking about direct attacks on you, not just general bad behavior. I think that if he's not able to provide you with more support when these situation arise, it is reasonable for you to as a family to decide to see SIL less frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:57 this is OP - and this thread is making me feel way more normal too. Thank goodness for DCUM. It breaks my heart to read your post though because what I wish more than anything is that my DH would stand up for me (without me having to prod him to) in the way you are describing. He has stepped in and said such things to SIL in the past, but only after huge fights between me and DH in which I basically told him to do so. So in a lot of ways I feel very alone in the situation because my ILs are too effed up to deal with SIL among themselves and when she does lash out at me DH won't stick up for me. There are so many good suggestions on this thread though, I am sure they will help next time I am in this situation with her.

In the past, I didn't think it was possible, either. His family (mostly his sister) has been the cause of many fights between us. So, if he can do it, it's can happen for your husband, too. I think this time, when he vented about his family, I didn't jump on the opportunity to bash her. (this is what I used to do). But I did express how her actions affected us and our little girl wasn't involved, yet she is neglected by them because the drama.

Good luck, OP! Don't let her pettiness bring you down!!