How can I be a good mom when I hate my SIL?

[Anonymous]

I hate my sister in law. As in, really, really hate her. I won't waste a lot of time on the details because it's not really important, let's just agree that I have reasons to not like her and not trust her, and that she's not a very nice person. I have children with my husband, however, and she is their aunt. And she has kids, they are my kids' cousins. Does anyone out there have any good strategies for how to navigate the situation? I want to be a good parent to my kids, and I want them to have a good relationship with my husband's family, but I am having a hard time with it because I have such strong feelings against this woman.

[Anonymous]

First question -- do they live nearby?

[Anonymous]

I've never really seen some kind of direct correlation between one's feelings for a particular relative and one's fitness as a parent.
It would be interesting to know your DH's opinion of his sister. Is she genuinely toxic, or is this hostility and animosity only felt by you? Of course, your DH's opinion is shaped by having grown up in that family, but if you are the only one with this strong negative reaction, you might want to explore that. Are there other people that you have this much hatred for? What are the origins of this hatred.
Also agree with PP who asked about location. If this is someone you only see once a year, you're methods of dealing with it will be radically different than if you see her every week.

[Anonymous]

OP- you are my mom. My aunt (now ex-aunt) is a miserable and vile person. She caused my mother many tears over her hurtful words and stabbing in the back. When I was really little (like baby to 7), my mom tried to tolerate her the best she could for the sake of the cousins and her mom. After one brutal Christmas where my aunt accused my mom of manipulating her mother into living with us (she lived in an in-law apt attached to our house from when I was 5 - 21) so that she could control her. None of that was true, of course. After that, I really didn't see my cousins until I was much older.

When I was 21, my grandmother passed away. 2 days after the funeral my ex-aunt threw out my uncle, saying that now that his mom is dead, she can finally ask for a divorce. After that, my cousins and I really rekindled our friendship and one of them is now one of my closest friends. My mom has also worked on her relationship with her brother, which was destroyed in the years that my mom and ex-aunt did not speak to each other.

Sorry for the tangent, but if you can, just try to suck it up for the time you have to see her. If the kids are older, maybe do kid activities with just you and the kids and no SIL. (My mom used to do this) How do you feel about BIL? How does DH feel about them? Sometimes its worth it to drink some wine, hold your tongue, and as soon as SIL leaves, call your best friend to vent.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They live in the suburbs so unfortunately we do have to see them.

My husband does agree she's toxic. I think everyone in the family does but their dynamic is really weird. They seem to be afraid of her - she sort of runs their family with an iron fist and gets away with whatever she wants.

The problem for me is I am a loud mouth. In my own family, we air our grievances with each other, so it's very hard for me to be quiet about her being a jerk. That's what worries me - that I'm going to say things in front of my kids someday (who are too small right now to understand). Or that they will sense how much I hate her.

[Anonymous]

The reason actually does matter. If its a personality clash, that's one thing. If you really have a valid reason to not trust her, and a good reason to believe she is not a good person, that's another.

[Anonymous]

OP again - Thank you 10:48. That is a really interesting perspective.

[Anonymous]

10:49 - I think it's probably a mix of both. Yes, our personalities do clash (because I am more likely to speak out about her shenanigans than she is used to) but there is sold agreement in the family that she is a trouble maker. It is not rare for her to have major blowups at family gatherings about petty things. She is very selfish - everything has to be on her schedule, the way she likes it, or else she will be upset. She also talks a lot behind people's backs and so spreads gossip and drama within the family.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same about my SIL and MIL. I obviously won't limit my kid's interaction with them, but I also feel strongly that kids figure this stuff out very early - they're very intuitive. My friend has a very toxic MIL and she kept her mouth shut for ages and saw her little son become totally infatuated with grandma... Then, he turned 5, and one day said to his mom "grandma doesn't like you. She hates you. Why does she hate my mommy? If she hates my mommy, she can't really like me."

I don't think he us smarter or more intuitive than Amy other kid; I truly believe all kids figure this stuff out on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They live in the suburbs so unfortunately we do have to see them.

My husband does agree she's toxic. I think everyone in the family does but their dynamic is really weird. They seem to be afraid of her - she sort of runs their family with an iron fist and gets away with whatever she wants.

The problem for me is I am a loud mouth. In my own family, we air our grievances with each other, so it's very hard for me to be quiet about her being a jerk. That's what worries me - that I'm going to say things in front of my kids someday (who are too small right now to understand). Or that they will sense how much I hate her.

OP you decide what comes out of your mouth. There are many situations in which you hold your tongue because what you want to say is not appropriate for your kids. You are presenting this like you have no control over the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:49 - I think it's probably a mix of both. Yes, our personalities do clash (because I am more likely to speak out about her shenanigans than she is used to) but there is sold agreement in the family that she is a trouble maker. It is not rare for her to have major blowups at family gatherings about petty things. She is very selfish - everything has to be on her schedule, the way she likes it, or else she will be upset. She also talks a lot behind people's backs and so spreads gossip and drama within the family.

10:48 here again. This sounds EXACTLY like my family. My mom def. speaks her mind and lets it be known when something is bothering her. Ex-aunt is exactly as you describe SIL. I remember one Christmas when I was about 6, my mom brought the deviled eggs that my uncle loved (it was my grandmother's recipe). Ex-aunt was BS about it, complained about it (i dont' really remember specifics, I just remember being really uncomfortable) and then she said she was sick and went upstairs until after we left. That was kind of the start of the end, because I can't really remember many instances afterwards where my ex-aunt was part of the festivities. I remember a lot of "headaches" and "colds" coming up during family events.

it sucks. Are the kids all close in age? My brother and I are almost the same ages as our cousins, so I know it pained my mom that we did not grow up with their friendship (they lived about 45 min away). I really recommend the wine + biting your tongue+ having a close friend who you can call and bitch to. thankfully my mom's best friend had and equally as bitchy sister, so they vented to each other. But I also want to say, thank you for not wanting to subject your kids to it. My mom def. let my brother and I know how she felt about my ex-aunt (just overhearing conversations etc) and the few times I would see her when I was older was really uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like our family.

1st - be aware that just b/c your children are young - does not mean that they are not aware of conversations you may be having w your husband about the situation. I usually vent in the car ride home and have realized I can no longer do that.

Each year I have a new coping mechanism. This year when my SIL was doing her thing, I walked away saying I needed to check in on the kids. Left her mid-sentence.
I also sing or humm to myself the song "Let there be peace on earth...." it really grounds me to the situation, takes my stress level down and allows me to step back in a way that will not flame the fire.

[Anonymous]

I don't like my SIL either, for reasons that I feel are very valid. She is extremely rude, entitiled and aggressive. At family gatherings, I generally try to interact with her as little as possible. If I feel I need to set my foot down, I try to do so in a way that is not rude.

[Anonymous]

You're getting good advice, OP. I would add that one positive way you can look at this is an opportunity for you to model for your kids how they can handle themselves when dealing with difficult people. (A skill that will always come in handy.)
You say that members of her own family seem to be afraid of her. You don't necessarily need to tell her exactly what you think, but you also don't have to "play along" either. You can choose to disengage, to deflect, to not get wrapped up in her drama. If she can't make you "toe the line" like her other family members, she will still feel like she is "scoring" off you when she sees how mad she has made you. Don't give her the satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

I hate hate hate my brother in law (and am not too fond of my sister). They live close and have several kids who are close in age to my kids. We suck it up and make time for the kids to play together. I won't allow my kids to stay with them without DH or me, but for the most part, we just refuse to engage in the drama. Bottom line, you know what's best for your kids. In my case, this is the only extended family my kids have so we make it work. I had a great relationship with my cousins growing up (and still do) and didn't find out until I was grown that some of the adults had major beefs with each other. I don't care if my kids have a great relationship with their aunt and uncle, but I want them to have their cousins.

You might also look at it as a benefit to her kids. If she's so awful, her kids could use the positive role model that you provide. Be the bigger person, and it will always reflect on you.