I really dislike my SIL. How to improve my attitude?

[Anonymous]

"See if you have even one thing in common, books, movies, music and go from there. Booze is a stupid idea. "

A lack of a sense of humor is much, much worse.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long have you been married? i've only been married five years but already my situation with SIL has gotten remarkably better. And there are so many similarities, including the weird forced return-to-childhood dynamic that exist when grown kids stay in their childhood home - with spouses and kids no less - for a week or so around the holidays. I've never seen anyone, including my own family, resist the temptation to return to their childish roles completely. It gets old fast! Especially when everyone indulges someone's bad behavior. So my thing is, I stopped indulging it. I can't make MIL or FIL or DH call SIL on her antics, but I started treating her like I'd treat my own sister if she tried to pull that shit. Trust me, I still tried to be nice, but I started treating her like my own family. In that, I behaved as though I LOVED her, but didn't have to agree or even pretend to agree with everything she said. Since when do we all have to be so cowed by our inlaws? Are they not just human, too? We're family with these people, so why not behave like family?

It was remarkable the difference it made. Not that SIL was instantly nicer, because she wasn't. But, once I stopped feeling like I had to tolerate every insult silently or accommodate every demand, there was an enormous reduction in the pressure. Once I stopped walking on eggshells, and took off the kid gloves I didn't have to be responsible for her feelings AND mine about "us," it relieved a lot of pressure. And she called me on some stuff too, some of it I had no idea I'd been doing.

Parenting anxieties are tough. My guess is that she's not super happy if she is as anxious as you say she is. A little sympathy would go a long way in this case, and so would some candor. Better to just say "SIL, do you really think he's gonna die by block injury?" may be better than just thinking it while rolling your eyes hard when she's not looking. She's surely picking up on your feelings whether you voice them or not, so why not just be honest (kindly) and discuss? And if she's unreasonable, then just manage? You don't have to like her, but you absolutely have it within your power to stop letting her drain your energy. Just don't do it anymore.

[Anonymous]

I too can't stand my SIL (husband's sister). She gossips and complains incessantly and she is prone to angry outbursts. I also find her manipulative and she has had and often instigated relationshio dramas her whole life.

You know what? I may not like her, but I have empathy for her. She had a MUCH harder childhood than I had and she didn't deserve that. She continues to try to have a healthy relationship with her self-absorbed and emotionally abusive parents (my lovely MIL and FIL) and over and over she gets back emotional abuse from them. She is a caring mother. She makes an honest living. So I remind myself of these things.

I also distance myself. I am polite, but detached. I will not get sucked into her drama and you really can't have a close relationship with her if you won't join in.

I'm all for booze too!

She hates me by the way because I am not looking to be close pals. She gossips about me. She tries to convince DH I'm a controlling bitch keeping him from his family (ha! I encourage him to see them!) I forgive her because she hasn't really had a model of a healthy relationship in her life and she has no females to look up to who are compassionate and mature.

[Anonymous]

Wow, 5:04, I think you have some great input. My rationship with one SIL is very strained....and the interesting thing is that I feel like I always went out of my way to avoid conflict. She would rant and ramble about everything and I would mostly respond with a, "mmmm hmmmm?" so as not to set her off on me as well. I prefered to keep my mouth shut rather than engage in a true discussion because I have seen over and over that she becomes defensive or cuts people out that don't see things her way.

Well, since she has effectively cut me out, it's has ended up being a huge relief on my end. No more pretending. And should our relationship improve, i'd like to think I ready to take 5:04's advice and stop cowing (or otherwise remaining silent) to her bullshit. Why did I do that for so long in the name of peace??!? It was an emotional drain and only made me dread seeing her for the most part. FWIW, my DH has said all along that I should feel free to speak my opinions (politely of course) and not worry about how she decided to take the info in.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is a total bitch, and I could NEVER spend days with her in the same house. I don't care how big it is. Some people you just cant deal with. I would stay at a hotel, or shorten the stay. We have never spent a Thanksgiving with my ILs because of their DD. It is actually my DH's choice, he stopped spending it with them when he was in college. SIL is either gossiping or starting drama. And if she does not get what she wants, the whole family must suffer. I choose to not spend family holidays with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you not like about her?

I don't like my SIL's loudness and her speaking over me when I'm talking. To think, she's a teacher and she cuts off her students when they talk.

She's very fearful that something will happen to her toddler all the time, even just playing with blocks on the floorI feel bad for her but the idea of our having children around the same time bringing us closer has evaporated. She's tense all the time and every conversation is an opportunity for some inexplicable miscommunication, even an irrelevant conversation about which cheese to serve. It's walk on eggshells all the time. But then she has moments of lashing out with overconfidence to tell others they are wrong. It's just draining draining draining.

To the other PP, I don't hate her and I am asking for advice to improve the situation. What is your point?

You may not be as anonymous as you think you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you not like about her?

I don't like my SIL's loudness and her speaking over me when I'm talking. To think, she's a teacher and she cuts off her students when they talk.

She's very fearful that something will happen to her toddler all the time, even just playing with blocks on the floorI feel bad for her but the idea of our having children around the same time bringing us closer has evaporated. She's tense all the time and every conversation is an opportunity for some inexplicable miscommunication, even an irrelevant conversation about which cheese to serve. It's walk on eggshells all the time. But then she has moments of lashing out with overconfidence to tell others they are wrong. It's just draining draining draining.

To the other PP, I don't hate her and I am asking for advice to improve the situation. What is your point?

You may not be as anonymous as you think you are.

Oh please. This description fits several women I know, all of whom are someone's SIL.

Is the cheese the problem? Yes, we has a thanksgiving cheese dispute. SIL lives in CA and doesn't read this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, 5:04, I think you have some great input. My rationship with one SIL is very strained....and the interesting thing is that I feel like I always went out of my way to avoid conflict. She would rant and ramble about everything and I would mostly respond with a, "mmmm hmmmm?" so as not to set her off on me as well. I prefered to keep my mouth shut rather than engage in a true discussion because I have seen over and over that she becomes defensive or cuts people out that don't see things her way.

Well, since she has effectively cut me out, it's has ended up being a huge relief on my end. No more pretending. And should our relationship improve, i'd like to think I ready to take 5:04's advice and stop cowing (or otherwise remaining silent) to her bullshit. Why did I do that for so long in the name of peace??!? It was an emotional drain and only made me dread seeing her for the most part. FWIW, my DH has said all along that I should feel free to speak my opinions (politely of course) and not worry about how she decided to take the info in.

17:04 here - I think you were referring to me but not sure... Anyway, good for you. You know what I think is part of it? When I first met DH's parents, I was his girlfriend. I immediately sensed that they weren't sure about me. I thnk they wanted him to move back "home" after a few years working in DC and when he met me it became less likely. I think they hoped he'd marry his H.S. girlfriend (who lived in his hometown). Etc. Meantime, DH is crazy about his family, does not see all the flaws, sees the good in them because he grew up with them. So when we were dating, I wanted them to like me. I thought I can win them over just by being myself. And, I mean, when you're visiting someone's family home for the holidays and his sister starts being kind of snippy to you, if you're just dating you are in a vulnerable position. I think that's fair enough and only human, when dating, and even early on in a marriage. But some of us, me included, might let it stay that way forever. ESPECIALLY if we only see these people occasionally. There is never really enough time to "get family like" with them so you are always standing on ceremony a little bit. I tried seeing them more often, or at least calling them, but neither SIL nor MIL was interested in talking to me very much. So I was like, okay, if I can't really get close to them, I've got to fake it til I make it. So I just tried to keep a patient and positive spirit up, and when they hurt my feelings I would say "Ouch. That hurt my feelings." Seriously, I know, almost like a kid, but it seemed better than striking back and still allowed me to object / call them on their behavior. I could go into detail about the ways I stood up for myself but the important thing is that I forced myself to stop sinking into myself (my natural tendency) when they hurt my feelings / pissed me off / etc and forced myself to stop swallowing it for the sake of peace, and just said "oh come on. Really?" or "hey, you just hurt my feelings saying that. Did you mean it to sound like that?" Or "what do you mean by that?" I tried to swap out my SIL's face for my sister's face, who I adore-adore-adore but who has her own quirks, and just behaved as if I was "safe" speaking my mind. For this to work, you have to believe you really ARE safe. Because you are. You're married. It's not license to be a dick, but it makes you family. Another part of the problem is that some men continue to keep their wives "on trial" almost, where the wives feel like they must continue to try to please the family. My husband thankfully, did not do this. I feel safe and secure in our marriage, enough that I know if I refused to every see his mom and sister again, we'd survive it (though I'd hope it never came to that). Just knowing that I wasn't "trying out" anymore, that I was in, boosted my confidence and comfort level.

Hope that makes sense!

[Anonymous]

I used to have a strained relationship with my SIL. It got strained after she became a mother (I had already been one for 2 years). She worked at home full-time and had her baby in daycare 1/2 mile away from their house and then quit her job because it was "too hard" without the baby. I had (and still do) a long commute and her "too hard" comment sent me over the edge.

A few years later, our relationship is much improved.... because I have just decided to ignore all her "work is so hard" issues and concentrate on I know she is focusing the best she can on her kids and wants the best for them. I respect that. I don't agree with all her parenting methods, but I also tell myself "It's not my kids, so I don't have to agree."

So try to focus on what is best about your SIL and ignore everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, 5:04, I think you have some great input. My rationship with one SIL is very strained....and the interesting thing is that I feel like I always went out of my way to avoid conflict. She would rant and ramble about everything and I would mostly respond with a, "mmmm hmmmm?" so as not to set her off on me as well. I prefered to keep my mouth shut rather than engage in a true discussion because I have seen over and over that she becomes defensive or cuts people out that don't see things her way.

Well, since she has effectively cut me out, it's has ended up being a huge relief on my end. No more pretending. And should our relationship improve, i'd like to think I ready to take 5:04's advice and stop cowing (or otherwise remaining silent) to her bullshit. Why did I do that for so long in the name of peace??!? It was an emotional drain and only made me dread seeing her for the most part. FWIW, my DH has said all along that I should feel free to speak my opinions (politely of course) and not worry about how she decided to take the info in.

17:04 here - I think you were referring to me but not sure... Anyway, good for you. You know what I think is part of it? When I first met DH's parents, I was his girlfriend. I immediately sensed that they weren't sure about me. I thnk they wanted him to move back "home" after a few years working in DC and when he met me it became less likely. I think they hoped he'd marry his H.S. girlfriend (who lived in his hometown). Etc. Meantime, DH is crazy about his family, does not see all the flaws, sees the good in them because he grew up with them. So when we were dating, I wanted them to like me. I thought I can win them over just by being myself. And, I mean, when you're visiting someone's family home for the holidays and his sister starts being kind of snippy to you, if you're just dating you are in a vulnerable position. I think that's fair enough and only human, when dating, and even early on in a marriage. But some of us, me included, might let it stay that way forever. ESPECIALLY if we only see these people occasionally. There is never really enough time to "get family like" with them so you are always standing on ceremony a little bit. I tried seeing them more often, or at least calling them, but neither SIL nor MIL was interested in talking to me very much. So I was like, okay, if I can't really get close to them, I've got to fake it til I make it. So I just tried to keep a patient and positive spirit up, and when they hurt my feelings I would say "Ouch. That hurt my feelings." Seriously, I know, almost like a kid, but it seemed better than striking back and still allowed me to object / call them on their behavior. I could go into detail about the ways I stood up for myself but the important thing is that I forced myself to stop sinking into myself (my natural tendency) when they hurt my feelings / pissed me off / etc and forced myself to stop swallowing it for the sake of peace, and just said "oh come on. Really?" or "hey, you just hurt my feelings saying that. Did you mean it to sound like that?" Or "what do you mean by that?" I tried to swap out my SIL's face for my sister's face, who I adore-adore-adore but who has her own quirks, and just behaved as if I was "safe" speaking my mind. For this to work, you have to believe you really ARE safe. Because you are. You're married. It's not license to be a dick, but it makes you family. Another part of the problem is that some men continue to keep their wives "on trial" almost, where the wives feel like they must continue to try to please the family. My husband thankfully, did not do this. I feel safe and secure in our marriage, enough that I know if I refused to every see his mom and sister again, we'd survive it (though I'd hope it never came to that). Just knowing that I wasn't "trying out" anymore, that I was in, boosted my confidence and comfort level.

Hope that makes sense!

\

NP here. I am sincerely glad this works for you, but in reading your message, I realized I have come to the opposite conclusion and that is one which has worked for me, so I geuss, different strokes for different folks! I am like, 'Hey, I"m just an in-law. . .ti's their family. . .I am never going to be as close to them as I am to my own family, and that is okay. I am not going to try to force it. I am not going to try to pretend we're BFFs when we live half the country apart, and we see each other 2x/year. It is what it is. We are different people, and that is ok." So, I just wnated to add this "angle" in case this helps anyone else!

[Anonymous]

My SIL is not my favorite person in the world either. She did the old switcheroo...was really nice to all of us in the beginning esp to my brother when they were dating and as soon as they got married she changed. Now they have a kid and my brother is stuck. She is mean to him (and to us, but we don't live with her so it doesn't affect us as much), doesn't take good care of my niece, and makes it sound like a sacrifice to be a SAHM. It's a bad situation. The only way I can cope is just to be civil when she's around. I love everyone else. My BIL is great and I love his family, I love my SIL's family too. I wonder why she's not like them.

[Anonymous]

OP, some SILs are just very difficult and do *not* like having new women in the family. Quite frankly, they are jealous and insecure of anything different. I think that sometimes they have their own problems that they never worked out and the family could really use it! The important thing is that you not take on their problems as your own. Don't get sucked in.

How long are you traveling to get there? Do you have to go, or can you just let your DH "enjoy" them?

ITA with PP that many ILs do the old "switcheroo" once you are married! It is no fun when there are so many of them and only one of you!

[Anonymous]

I generally like most of my in laws, but there are some of them who are just SO different than me. I don't dislike them, but I feel I have to be "on" with them. The thing I've decided to do is just see the best in all of them. Oh sure, my SIL is a religious zealot and I have to mind my Ps and Qs around her. But she's sweet, and means well. So I just watch my cussing and talk to her about neutral topics. My other in laws HATE alcohol. Like, will not be in its presence. So wine is out! But you know what- they are GREAT with my DC and they make me laugh. You just can't focus on the things that make them different than you. Focus on what is good about them and just go with it. You don't have to see them all the time, just some of the time. I also refuse to gossip or speak badly about any of them. Because the more you do that, the easier it is to find things to nitpick about. And then you feel guilty next time you see them which makes you feel worse and then you dislike their presence more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about my SIL. She doesn't do anything deliberately mean, we are just very different people and I find her draining to be around. I am not really a huge fan of my DH's brother (her husband) either. I have noticed that all family events that include them are high stress for everyone because they ratchet up the energy in any gathering and have to be the center of attention.

We also stay at my IL's house for days during the holidays and I have found that it is possible to retreat to another part of the house, volunteer to help in the kitchen, take my LO upstairs for a rest, go for a walk with the dog, etc. every now and then during the visit to get a break. It might also be worthwhile to take charge of a few things during the visit - plan a meal, outing, activity, craft, etc. for the whole group - so that you are the one making decisions and directing the group. It is easier to deal with a dominating personality from a position of strength and authority, even if it is only for a little while.

Take walks, bury myself in playing with the kids and helping in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Lower your expectations, disinvest, treat her politely like an acquaintance, and try to focus on the fact that it must be hard to be her and you are happier than she is. Escape to a different room when you can, hide by finding ways to be useful elsewhere, and remind yourself that you're dealing with her because you love your spouse and because you want your kids to have family and get to know their cousins. And at night you can post here and vent to all of us!