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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wow, 5:04, I think you have some great input.  My rationship with one SIL is very strained....and the interesting thing is that I feel like I always went out of my way to avoid conflict.  She would rant and ramble about everything and I would mostly respond with a, "mmmm hmmmm?" so as not to set her off on me as well.  I prefered to keep my mouth shut rather than engage in a true discussion because I have seen over and over that she becomes defensive or cuts people out that don't see things her way.

Well, since she has effectively cut me out, it's has ended up being a huge relief on my end. No more pretending. And should our relationship improve, i'd like to think I  ready to take 5:04's advice and stop cowing (or otherwise remaining silent) to her bullshit.  [b]Why did I do that for so long in the name of peace??!?  [/b]It was an emotional drain and only made me dread seeing her for the most part.  FWIW, my DH has said all along that I should feel free to speak my opinions (politely of course) and not worry about how she decided to take the info in.[/quote]

17:04 here - I think you were referring to me but not sure... Anyway, good for you. You know what I think is part of it? When I first met DH's parents, I was his girlfriend. I immediately sensed that they weren't sure about me. I thnk they wanted him to move back "home" after a few years working in DC and when he met me it became less likely. I think they hoped he'd marry his H.S. girlfriend (who lived in his hometown). Etc. Meantime, DH is crazy about his family, does not see all the flaws, sees the good in them because he grew up with them. So when we were dating, I wanted them to like me. I thought I can win them over just by being myself. And, I mean, when you're visiting someone's family home for the holidays and his sister starts being kind of snippy to you, if you're just dating you are in a vulnerable position. I think that's fair enough and only human, when dating, and even early on in a marriage. But some of us, me included, might let it stay that way forever. ESPECIALLY if we only see these people occasionally. There is never really enough time to "get family like" with them so you are always standing on ceremony a little bit. I tried seeing them more often, or at least calling them, but neither SIL nor MIL was interested in talking to me very much. So I was like, okay, if I can't really get close to them, I've got to fake it til I make it. So I just tried to keep a patient and positive spirit up, and when they hurt my feelings I would say "Ouch. That hurt my feelings." Seriously, I know, almost like a kid, but it seemed better than striking back and still allowed me to object / call them on their behavior. I could go into detail about the ways I stood up for myself but the important thing is that I forced myself to stop sinking into myself (my natural tendency) when they hurt my feelings / pissed me off / etc and forced myself to stop swallowing it for the sake of peace, and just said "oh come on. Really?" or "hey, you just hurt my feelings saying that. Did you mean it to sound like that?" Or "what do you mean by that?" I tried to swap out my SIL's face for my sister's face, who I adore-adore-adore but who has her own quirks, and just behaved as if I was "safe" speaking my mind. For this to work, you have to believe you really ARE safe. Because you are. You're married. It's not license to be a dick, but it makes you family. Another part of the problem is that some men continue to keep their wives "on trial" almost, where the wives feel like they must continue to try to please the family. My husband thankfully, did not do this. I feel safe and secure in our marriage, enough that I know if I refused to every see his mom and sister again, we'd survive it (though I'd hope it never came to that). Just knowing that I wasn't "trying out" anymore, that I was in, boosted my confidence and comfort level.

Hope that makes sense! [/quote]\

NP here.  I am sincerely glad this works for you, but in reading your message, I realized I have come to the opposite conclusion and that is one which has worked for me, so I geuss, different strokes for different folks!  :)  I am like, 'Hey, I"m just an in-law. . .ti's their family. . .I am never going to be as close to them as I am to my own  family, and that is okay.  I am not going to try to force it.  I am not going to try to pretend we're BFFs when we live half the country apart, and we see each other 2x/year.  It is what it is.  We are different people, and that is ok."  So, I just wnated to add this "angle" in case this helps anyone else!  :)[/quote]

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