I really dislike my SIL. How to improve my attitude?

[Anonymous]

We don't have direct conflicts but I find being around her draining. My in-laws have a large house where we all stay for days at a time during holidays.

How can I improve my attitude? What steps do you take when you wish you liked an in-law who you just don't?

[Anonymous]

Booze.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Booze.

Crap, I'm pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same about my SIL. She doesn't do anything deliberately mean, we are just very different people and I find her draining to be around. I am not really a huge fan of my DH's brother (her husband) either. I have noticed that all family events that include them are high stress for everyone because they ratchet up the energy in any gathering and have to be the center of attention.

We also stay at my IL's house for days during the holidays and I have found that it is possible to retreat to another part of the house, volunteer to help in the kitchen, take my LO upstairs for a rest, go for a walk with the dog, etc. every now and then during the visit to get a break. It might also be worthwhile to take charge of a few things during the visit - plan a meal, outing, activity, craft, etc. for the whole group - so that you are the one making decisions and directing the group. It is easier to deal with a dominating personality from a position of strength and authority, even if it is only for a little while.

[Anonymous]

Do you have to sleep there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have direct conflicts but I find being around her draining. My in-laws have a large house where we all stay for days at a time during holidays.

How can I improve my attitude? What steps do you take when you wish you liked an in-law who you just don't?

See if you have even one thing in common, books, movies, music and go from there. Booze is a stupid idea.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you not like about her?

I don't like my SIL's loudness and her speaking over me when I'm talking. To think, she's a teacher and she cuts off her students when they talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have direct conflicts but I find being around her draining. My in-laws have a large house where we all stay for days at a time during holidays.

How can I improve my attitude? What steps do you take when you wish you liked an in-law who you just don't?

She probably knows you hate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have direct conflicts but I find being around her draining. My in-laws have a large house where we all stay for days at a time during holidays.

How can I improve my attitude? What steps do you take when you wish you liked an in-law who you just don't?

She probably knows you hate her.

No, these bimbos are totally clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you not like about her?

I don't like my SIL's loudness and her speaking over me when I'm talking. To think, she's a teacher and she cuts off her students when they talk.

She's very fearful that something will happen to her toddler all the time, even just playing with blocks on the floorI feel bad for her but the idea of our having children around the same time bringing us closer has evaporated. She's tense all the time and every conversation is an opportunity for some inexplicable miscommunication, even an irrelevant conversation about which cheese to serve. It's walk on eggshells all the time. But then she has moments of lashing out with overconfidence to tell others they are wrong. It's just draining draining draining.

To the other PP, I don't hate her and I am asking for advice to improve the situation. What is your point?

[Anonymous]

If you are pregnant, take naps and read books.

[Anonymous]

Make it a game. Find something to appreciate about her every day you see her. It may not be obvious, but there's always something positive to say about someone. If you try hard enough, you'll find it . . . and by focusing on finding the good thing(s), you'll shift from fixating on her flaws and annoying traits.

P.S. To up the ante, involve your kids. Challenge yourself to say things to them like, "You know, I really like how Aunt Suzie does X" or "Aunt Suzie is really great at Y" or "It's fun to talk with Aunt Suzie about Z."

[Anonymous]

Limit the time you spend there when she is there. Make the visits shorter. Since you'll have a little baby soon, that's a good excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you not like about her?

I don't like my SIL's loudness and her speaking over me when I'm talking. To think, she's a teacher and she cuts off her students when they talk.

She's very fearful that something will happen to her toddler all the time, even just playing with blocks on the floorI feel bad for her but the idea of our having children around the same time bringing us closer has evaporated. She's tense all the time and every conversation is an opportunity for some inexplicable miscommunication, even an irrelevant conversation about which cheese to serve. It's walk on eggshells all the time. But then she has moments of lashing out with overconfidence to tell others they are wrong. It's just draining draining draining.

To the other PP, I don't hate her and I am asking for advice to improve the situation. What is your point?

It feels draining because you're getting sucked in. Remember -- her fears, anxiety and tensions do not need to be yours. Let her be stressed and fearful. Stop trying to prevent or fix it by "walking on eggshells" around her. Just be you and let her be her. For example, when she's tense or lashes out, just let it roll off your back. It's not your responsibility or problem to avoid or fix. (Repeat to yourself, "Yep. That's just SIL being SIL again. Maybe she'll lighten up someday.")

P.S. It's time to accept that having kids at the same time has not brought you closer as you had hoped. It would have been nice. But it didn't happen. So let go of that dream, at least for now. It's not happening.

[Anonymous]

Does she make your brother, or BIL a better person? If so, just focus on that.

I find my brother and his wife very draining, as well. We keep the visits short, and all focus on our commitment to be a family even though we didn't choose each other. Plus, one of their kids really needs our calm influence.