Early Onset Alzheimer's Diease
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Anonymous
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OP. to Pp
Not a troll this is reality you insensative SOB What do you nean dump this problem on my daughters? Niether daughter lives within 500 miles I am caregiver to my DW. I shared my feelings with the,, they were 100% understanding and sympathetic to the fact that I needed adul companionship one or two evenings a week. I wouldn't involve my grandchildren were it geographically possible, that's poor judgement. FYI I don't "play" the role of loving husband. I am a loving husband. Why don't you care for mom, single handed for just a week. No other adult social interaction, just you and Mom. Day care is out now due to wandering away, so it's just you and Mom 24 hours a day. Keep in mind 90% of your friends have abandoned you for all the well known reasons. Then compound your feelings of the need for companionship x 4 years of it. I think your judgmental, arrogant, pompous "that's not the way it works" comment may change FYI Caregivers like you dad and I burn out. statistically the stresses result in the patient out living the caregiver |
Anonymous
| I am definitely thinking this is a troll. Four year is nothing..and early onset moves quickly much quicker than later alzheimers and again..if you want to hook up..get divorced..don't try to act like the great guy. You aren't. My father has screwed up everything in my family--it is a mess and my children are bewildered. If you need companionship..have friends..you are married..act that way. Look you asked for it..you asked how it looked, I am telling you as someone who is dealing with it..it is awful and if this isn't a troll..you are awful..own it. |
Anonymous
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PP
I don't disagree with the anger directed at YOURfather for introducing what should his private affairs, pun intended, to his grandchildren. THAT IS INEXCUSABLE RE EOAD- DW was Dx in 07 at age of 64. I was in denial for at least a year before taking her to a Neuro. Her mom had it too and passed in her early 70's bad gene pool. DW is now at a Fischer Scale 6E http://www.alzinfo.org/clinical-stages-of-alzheimers I'm sharing part of a venting essay I wrote for one of the Alzheimer's forums to provide you with a little understanding of what I live day in and day out and maybe your Dad too. May this will alleviate your troll concerns: Alzheimer’s Disease isolates. In terms of spouses of Alzheimer patients, isolation is usually discussed in the context of friends and family deserting the Alzheimer couple. This desertion occurs for a variety of reasons – the afflicted partner is no longer able to participate in the commonly enjoyed activities; friends do not want to see the afflicted spouse “that way”; friends do not know what to say to either the PAD (person with Alzheimer’s) or the spouse; friends and AD spouses no longer have anything in common. The reasons are varied, but the result is the same. The Alzheimer couple sits home alone. The Alzheimer spouse is isolated and lonely, conversing with a childlike spouse to whom every sentence must be explained. More often than no the spouse incapale of c comprehending or responding just stares off into space. Whomever you are, I'm sorry that Alzheimers has hurt your family so. It's more the norm than you would think as I've learned from several Alz forum boards I participate on. I'm not looking for a hook up,as you call it or getting laid as you imply. I'm looking to fill the void left by the loss of my wife. She's with me physically, and I care for her in a very loving fashion. I will not divorce her, I will only as a very last resort place her in a nursing home, I will care for her as any loving husband would. She's nearly catatonic, can barely walk any longer. There is nothing left of what was my wife. She shits and pee's in her pants and I clean her up, I feed her three meals a day Own it? Sweet heart I wish I had an alternative. You work on YOUR Daddy issues and stop the name calling I'm not a troll |
Anonymous
Even overworked nurses don't work 7x24 shifts. You judge far too harshly |
Anonymous
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The best thing you can do for your wife is to ensure she is cared for, loved, safe and as happy as she can be. Hopefully this involves you physically going and seeing her sometimes, which I believe you are.
The best thing you can do for your children is be there for them, facilitate a bond with their mother - who she was and is - and create a safe, loving, nurturing environment for them. It sounds as if you are, and that they are in turn creating a similar environment for you. Which is lovely. The best thing you can do for you is to rock on with your bad self and enjoy life, have meaningful relationships, and care for others. I don't hold it against you for one second. Seen what this does to a family; sometimes things are complicated. |
Anonymous
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OP, if you're religious, this is definitely something to speak to a religious advisor about.
A close family member went through this, and in time couldn't care for the spouse (who no longer even knew who he was). The death of the relationship was a real and horrible thing to live through. They did not divorce, but he did move on with a new relationship and eventually remarried once he was widowed, with the children's blessing. FWIW, my DH and I have talked about this sort of situation, and we wouldn't want each other to be martyrs for our sakes. I would want to be cared for lovingly, but if I can no be the wife I would want to be, I would want him to go forward and be happy in his life. (And knowing him, I know he would be respectful to me and sensitive to our children and grandchildren.) Here's some relevant articles: http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/till-death-or-illness-or-dementia-us-do-part/2012/02/08/gIQAJ2AXzQ_story.html http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/a-family-learns-the-true-meaning-of-the-vow-in-sickness-and-in-health/2011/11/04/gIQAahyAdP_story.html |
Anonymous
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OP, my grandmother and two siblings all had/have Alzheimer's and all did better in a nursing home than at home. My great-aunt and great-uncle had early-onset, declined rapidly, and then stayed alive in a near-vegetative mental state for many years (as is common with early-onset because people are still physically sound in their 60s). My great-uncle did start dating someone, with the consent of his son (and my grandmother, actually, as the two sisters were extremely close) and we all accepted that.
Only you can know how your wife and family would feel and only you can know whether you are cheating. By the letter of the law, so to speak, you probably are, but only you and your family can determine the spirit. |
Anonymous
Not my siblings! |
Anonymous
| I don't get these critical posters saying companionship of another is out of the question. I'd go even further with my question: Why is it okay to divorce a spouse unless you wait until they become catatonic, then you're stuck with them? Vows are societal frameworks, like supreme court rulings, you want them to be the final word but sometimes they need re-visiting when the foundation shifts. |
Anonymous
| You are not cheating. You need support that your wife is unable to ever provide for you....she is not the same person and you are taking care of her and that is the important part. I don't think people can understand what it is to watch someone go through that and to be the caretaker. I can not imagine if she loves you that she'd want your life to stop. This is a horrible situation. The people who are judging you are in fear for their own relationships and lives. Their responses aren't about you. |
Anonymous
| Take care of your wife. Take care of your kids. Get a fuck buddy on the side for a while. A full on relationship might not be in the cards until your kids are older. |
Anonymous
| Oh sorry, it's seems your daughters have given you their blessing. You are ok. Go for it. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm sorry this is such a nasty thread. There are awful posters on DCUM. That's the nature of an anonymous forum. Cowards hit and hide, and there are many cowards here.
I'm sorry about your situation. It's very tough, and I can understand that you feel guilty about needing companionship when your wife is still alive, but no longer a companion to you. If your daughters are OK with you finding a new love, and your wife is well cared for, then what's the problem? Why do you feel guilty? Your wife doesn't have any idea what's going on. She doesn't even recognize you. Make sure she's comfortable and not mistreated in any way, and go out and have some fun! It's a terrible loss for you, a living death, really, and you need some relief. Best of luck to you. My father had alzheimer's and it was a lose-lose situation for all of his family, no matter what we did. It's sad, and you have to make the best of a sad situation and make choices you can live with. |
Anonymous
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OP HERE
DW has taken rather precipitous downhill slide after months of status quo. Due to the physical demands and the depression resulting from our MD saying, I think it's time to have a Hospice case manager stop by from an evaluation, the original reason I wrote that first post is moot. To the poster who had such Daddy issues, unless you've sacrificed "self" for many years don't judge him too harshly. To those who offer support I thank you |
Anonymous
| I don't have daddy issues..at least I didn't used to. Early onset goes quickly so hearing that you have to sacrifice for a few years..goes nowhere with me...and nowhere with our siblings. If OP wanted companionship he could do so privately but seems like he wants to wear the badge of caring husband while dating..can't do both..sorry you can't. I am thinking you don't want to divorce as that could put your assets in question..cold reality and again..want to look like a great guy--kind of goes hand in hand with having to have a woman right away..very narrcissistic.. Early onset is sooo tough and family dynamics are at play. If this is a situation where kids are not close to mom and there aren't grandchildren involved then it could be different. Maybe his kids didn't love mom as much as our family did and yes we are very involved with are with mom. Our family was a close one..when mom got sick..dad couldn't handle it so started a relationship--very confusing to all of us and our kids. With a new relationships comes dealing with the other person's "stuff." It has been a nightmare and I think many of the people who have been "cheering" the OP on..haven't been through this. It is awful and it has forever changed how I feel about my dad. My husband is also disgusted..he took care of his father for many many years as did his mom and he couldn't believe how quickly my dad needed a new lady. Again..for the uninitiatd..early onset is quicker than later alzheimers--usually early onsets goes within a few years..later alzheimers can go on and on for sometimes decades and starts out with mild cognitive decline..the end stages for both forms many times do need hospice care..but again..just because someone is dying doesn't mean it's party time. As for companionship..you can always have friends.. Apparently OP needs some sex and the ability to go out and about and feel good about himself. I am not going to give him that. The fact that he was asking means deep down he knows this is wrong. It is wrong. Again..this is an awful awful disease..it really is but I feel like how you handle this really decides what kind of person you are..it really cuts out the excess baggage. Sad but true. But the way OP I am not an SOB...I have stepped up to the plate and will continue--my dad..does his check in and writes a check but as his relationship deepens..less time with mom. Very sad for a couple who was happily married..for 40 years. |