Early Onset Alzheimer's Diease

[Anonymous]

DW's mother had it and now hasit.. Her cognition I'd nil as is her ability to communicate. I am able to manage her care thus far.
I met another woman while at day care with DW. We are "dating" Am I cheating?

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Wtf? You are dating another woman and you're not sure if this is cheating? How is this related to the Alzheimer's? Did i just fall for a troll?

[Anonymous]

Your post is badly written. What I think you are saying is that your wife has dementia and has no clue who you are and you are caring for her and she goes to daycare.

At her daycare a women who takes her husband to adult day care is dating you.

If that is the situation, I don't think it is cheating. I think it is an open marriage.

If I had dementia I would expect my H to make sure I was some place and being cared for but I also would expect him to go on with his life, find a loving partner and creat a happy home for my children.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP I was distraught when I wrote that incomprehensible post. You described my emotional moral conundrum, perfectly.
My DW has lost all cognitive ability, she no longer can communicate. This related to Alzheimer's because the person I loved and was 100% loyal to has ceased to exist. I have been told to place her in a NH, not to sacrifice my life. I have discussed this other women with our two daughters who reacted - Dad, we don't know how you do it, caring for mom as you. You're entitled mom would want you to be happy. She's a lucky lady to have you. (they've met at DC)
Why can I accept this all I end up feeling is guilty

[Anonymous]

I think you are far from the only person to be in this situation. Is there some kind of online or IRL community where you could discuss these issues? I'm a social conservative and part of me says "yes it is cheating", but I also know you are in a very hard place and the rest of us who are not caring for a demented relative just have no idea what you are going through. I have a 74 year old aunt who is caring for a severely demented husband at home with quite a it of home health care (which varies a lot in quality). Whenever I talk to her, she says the loneliness is the worst part of the whole situation.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Anonymous]

quite a bit NOT quite a it

[Anonymous]

OP, I am 16:25. I unfortunately am a close friend of somebody in your situation. She is raising 3 kids alone and caring for her husband. I know you are doing the best you can but there are people trained to care for people with dementia. You take time from you daughters to care for you wife. If I were your wife I would not want that for my children. Eventually you will need to put her somewhere.

There was and article in the Washington Post magazine about a women in your situation who got remarrried and they both care for her 1st husband, he is in a NH but they visit and take him to lunch. It is a great story. I feel this is still honoring your vows. I can't find the link right now.

It is such an incredibly sad situation.

What would your wife want for her daughters. A happy dad, holidays with a family, laughing and loving each other. That does not mean you forget your wife. You care for her and make sure she is safe in her environment. But your daughters need joy in their lives even in this sad circumstance.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for what you are going through OP. I have no real advice as I haven't been in your shoes, but can say as a wife that if this happens to me I would hope and pray my husband could find someone to spend time with to help ease the pain and loneliness, and the loss of our dreams for a lifetime together. I love my husband and want him to be happy, and would hate for him to be in your shoes and racking himself with guilt over finding some happiness.

And again, I am so sorry for the loss of time and dreams that your family has suffered.

[Anonymous]

I saw a TV show about a famous TV presenter who was in this situation - I can't remember who it was (his wife with dementia was also a reporter). He found peace with his situation and new love. I think it would be really good for you to see that. I hope it is on Youtube or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP I was distraught when I wrote that incomprehensible post. You described my emotional moral conundrum, perfectly.
My DW has lost all cognitive ability, she no longer can communicate. This related to Alzheimer's because the person I loved and was 100% loyal to has ceased to exist. I have been told to place her in a NH, not to sacrifice my life. I have discussed this other women with our two daughters who reacted - Dad, we don't know how you do it, caring for mom as you. You're entitled mom would want you to be happy. She's a lucky lady to have you. (they've met at DC)
Why can I accept this all I end up feeling is guilty

sorry, OP - But as a daughter, I'd hate you.

My mother did indeed sacrifice her life and her money to care for my father at home. And believe me when I say that men were coming out of the woodwork.

Do what my uncle did. He put his wife in a home and divorced her. And then he moved on and never gave her a second thought, as she became her kids' responsibility. At least he wasn't cheating on that poor soul.

[Anonymous]

PP I certainly have a far different relationship with my daughter's.
I asked their opinion we discussed the situation. No child of mine would ever react with hate They too are intimately aware of AD. We cared for their grandmother, wife's mother, in our home from late stage until her passing. They have been born into a genetic minefield and are far more sympathetic Both were dumbfounded by the harshness of your response.
The thought of throwing my wife into a snake pit of a nursing home and divorcing her is not the way one treats the love of their life. We met as young teens married while in our teens, she PG. We both earned graduate masters level degrees and enjoyed financial success beyond our wildest dreams.
I have long term health care insurance, and savings aplenty, but I choose not to toss my DW trash heap. I feel for you, that you know so little of true love

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel so sad for you. No advice but I wish you all the very best.

[Anonymous]

Sorry my mom has dementia and I would hate you as well. When someone gets sick you focus on them and family ..dating is not part of the bargain. I am sure your daughters are nice people..so nice that they are letting you dump this problem on them. I actually suspect this op may be a troll because if all was so happy..you would have no need to convince strangers. FYI ..my dad has taken to dating admit has been awful and also confusing for his grandchildren. I have asked my dad to get divorced and own his behavoir ..but no he still (maybe like you if you aren't a troll) likes to play the loving husband. Sorry it doesn't work this way.